We Have No Secrets

Okay, today I’m taking on an even tougher topic than co-habitation (if there is one more difficult than that).  It’s the issue of our past mistakes and how much we share them with a new partner.  Love the second time around is different because now we have a pretty colorful history.  Some of it is wonderful, and some of it is, frankly, regrettable.  Part of moving on, clearly, is learning from our mistakes so as not to repeat them.  Yet, in order to do that, must we share, or confess even, our past errors to our new partners?

I tend to think that in the beginning of a relationship, you want to put your best foot forward and show what a great partner you can be.  Of course, I am a huge optimist that always looks for the good in people, and I can be blind to people’s faults (which is usually a good trait).  However, every now and then a voice of doubt creeps into my head and makes me wonder if history is doomed to repeat itself.

A year ago, I wrote a blog piece on this topic, but I never published it.  Back then I was listening to my friends talk about their lovers.  One friend was devastated to receive a phone call from her boyfriend’s ex-wife, regaling her with horror stories from their past.  Another friend was concerned because her lover admitted that he had cheated on his wife, and she was fearful that once a cheater, one is always a cheater.  Yet another man told me that he ended a relationship with a woman because of the problems that she had with her daughter.  He was concerned that indicated that she would not make a good step-mom.

All of these friends are quite politically liberal.  One works for a social justice organization; another is on the board of directors of a local anti-poverty group; the third is a therapist.  As I heard them talk about their lovers’ pasts, I kept thinking, shouldn’t our political and philosophical beliefs dictate that we give them a second chance?  If we are working for social change, shouldn’t we also believe that personal improvement is possible?  Should marital infidelity or other relationship mistakes be a black mark on someone’s record rendering them as unlovable as an ex-convict is unemployable?

Yet now that it is me who is going through such a situation, I can see much more clearly why my friends were feeling insecure.  I really do believe that people can change.  I’ve seen it happen in myself and in others.  I do think that we can learn from our mistakes and be not only productive members of society, but also skilled practitioners of relationships.  In short, I want to judge someone’s potential by how he treats me now, not how he treated someone else five years ago.  I want to be a compassionate lover who accepts and loves my partner despite his flaws (man, we all have them).  Nevertheless, Carole King’s song “We Have No Secrets” keeps popping into my mind. “Sometimes I wish.  Often I wish that I never knew some of the secrets of yours.”  Followed by Sheryl Crow’s “Lie to me. I promise I’ll believe.”

So, my friends who are experiencing love for the second time around, how do you deal with this issue?  How do you listen compassionately to your partner when they share difficult past experiences without worrying that they might come back to haunt your current relationship?  How do you have an honest and open relationship without judging your partner?  Is there such thing as unconditional love?  I hope so.