Change of Relationship Status

My parents recently celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary.  They met on a blind date, got engaged three dates later, and were married within six months (three of which my mother spent alone in Europe).  This kind of impulsive, romantic love has become a big part of our family lore.   My sister and I were a bit more cautious, yet we fell in love very quickly with our future spouses and within months were living with them.   I guess you could say that excitement and optimism over love’s potential is a family trait.

When Jon and I started our relationship, I thought I might show some restraint.   I know that infatuation doesn’t always last and that it takes time to see if true compatibility exists.   Yet Jon’s enthusiasm was infectious, and within mere weeks we were talking about moving in together.   As we relished in our new found connection, we fantasized about buying a place, and he sent me real estate listings and spreadsheets on how we could afford them.  We made daily Facebook updates about our amorous adventures.   A month later I met his family during the Thanksgiving holiday.   Two months later he came to California to meet mine.   I was thrilled at the thought of having found a future life partner, especially one with so much energy, zeal for life, and dedication to family.

Yet as many love stories do, this one has come to an end.   I think it started back in December when I noticed him getting more distant, distracted, and moody.  When we were together, he was spending more time checking his iPhone and less time looking me in the eye.  I tried to reach out and talk to him about it, but to no avail.  I found myself playing a Joni Mitchell lyric over and over in my head, “I sat up all the night and listened to thee/ Just to see who in the world you might be/ And what you might mean to me.”  In his words, Jon still showed the same commitment to our relationship, but I was starting to wonder if this was the kind of relationship that I wanted because I like to have a strong, constant, and intimate connection with my partner.

I spoke with my family and friends, especially those with spouses who worked long hours and traveled a lot to see how they dealt with the moments of separation and potential disconnection.  I told myself to accept him on his terms, to focus on what I liked best about him and our relationship, and I tried not to give too much attention to my concerns.  Yet I also set an intention at the New Year to gain some clarity on the situation.

When we returned to California, he brought up the question again of cohabitation.  I said that we should think about it, and, as I often do when I am trying to figure something out, I blogged about it. I tried to imagine what our life might be like together.  On Monday, after we hadn’t seen each other in a week, and hadn’t been alone in two weeks, I felt the need to talk to him about how I felt that we weren’t connecting.  He didn’t know how to respond to me, clammed up, and said that he couldn’t talk at that moment since he was at work, which was understandable, yet it had been his suggestion to talk that morning.

Later that day, in another attempt to process my feelings, I wrote a blogpost about our past mistakes and how to avoid allowing them to ruin our present relationships.  Ironically, it did just that.  Jon felt very hurt by the post and wanted to talk to me about it right away.  At that point, I was with my kids so it was impossible to talk on the phone for long.  So we started an email and IM exchange where a lot of our feelings and frustrations were finally aired.

I took the post down and edited it.  I sent it to a few close friends, asking for their input.  I was having a really hard time understanding why he was so upset about what I wrote, then he got angry that I didn’t understand him nor show sufficient compassion and sensitivity.  Then I got frustrated that he was so willing to talk about his concerns, when I felt that he had dismissed my concerns earlier in the day.  We basically hit an impasse.

The next day, clarity came to me.  We made plans for him to come over after the kids’ bedtime to talk.  I knew that there were two options: that we were going to decide that we were emotionally incompatible or we would find a way to take some concrete steps to improve our communication and connection.  He decided on the former.

This morning, as I drove my kids from a dentist appointment, a song by the Tedeschi Trucks band caught my attention on the radio.  “I’m gonna learn how to love you. I’m gonna show you show me how.”  I guess we never really learned how to love each other, at least in the way that each wanted to be loved.  Yet is true love something we learn or does it come naturally?  I don’t know, but I do know that I learned a tremendous amount about myself in this whole process.  And I truly believe that I have gained a dear friend along the way because when I care about someone, a breakup can’t change that.  I’ve had a change of relationship status (which Facebook has duly noted), not a change of heart.

American Toes

Here are our American toes.

Four years ago in July, my sister visited me right after Independence Day, both America’s and my own.  My husband had just moved out of our house and I was feeling sad and confused.  A visit from my sister was exactly what I needed.

She arrived with lots of love, support, inspirational CDs (which actually helped quite a bit) and…laughter.  No one can make me laugh like my sister.  We just get onto a topic and get so goofy that it becomes an unending laugh-a-thon.  One of the reasons that my sister is so funny is that she has a sweet innocence about her that sometimes leads her into comical misunderstandings with people.

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