We Have No Secrets

Okay, today I’m taking on an even tougher topic than co-habitation (if there is one more difficult than that).  It’s the issue of our past mistakes and how much we share them with a new partner.  Love the second time around is different because now we have a pretty colorful history.  Some of it is wonderful, and some of it is, frankly, regrettable.  Part of moving on, clearly, is learning from our mistakes so as not to repeat them.  Yet, in order to do that, must we share, or confess even, our past errors to our new partners?

I tend to think that in the beginning of a relationship, you want to put your best foot forward and show what a great partner you can be.  Of course, I am a huge optimist that always looks for the good in people, and I can be blind to people’s faults (which is usually a good trait).  However, every now and then a voice of doubt creeps into my head and makes me wonder if history is doomed to repeat itself.

A year ago, I wrote a blog piece on this topic, but I never published it.  Back then I was listening to my friends talk about their lovers.  One friend was devastated to receive a phone call from her boyfriend’s ex-wife, regaling her with horror stories from their past.  Another friend was concerned because her lover admitted that he had cheated on his wife, and she was fearful that once a cheater, one is always a cheater.  Yet another man told me that he ended a relationship with a woman because of the problems that she had with her daughter.  He was concerned that indicated that she would not make a good step-mom.

All of these friends are quite politically liberal.  One works for a social justice organization; another is on the board of directors of a local anti-poverty group; the third is a therapist.  As I heard them talk about their lovers’ pasts, I kept thinking, shouldn’t our political and philosophical beliefs dictate that we give them a second chance?  If we are working for social change, shouldn’t we also believe that personal improvement is possible?  Should marital infidelity or other relationship mistakes be a black mark on someone’s record rendering them as unlovable as an ex-convict is unemployable?

Yet now that it is me who is going through such a situation, I can see much more clearly why my friends were feeling insecure.  I really do believe that people can change.  I’ve seen it happen in myself and in others.  I do think that we can learn from our mistakes and be not only productive members of society, but also skilled practitioners of relationships.  In short, I want to judge someone’s potential by how he treats me now, not how he treated someone else five years ago.  I want to be a compassionate lover who accepts and loves my partner despite his flaws (man, we all have them).  Nevertheless, Carole King’s song “We Have No Secrets” keeps popping into my mind. “Sometimes I wish.  Often I wish that I never knew some of the secrets of yours.”  Followed by Sheryl Crow’s “Lie to me. I promise I’ll believe.”

So, my friends who are experiencing love for the second time around, how do you deal with this issue?  How do you listen compassionately to your partner when they share difficult past experiences without worrying that they might come back to haunt your current relationship?  How do you have an honest and open relationship without judging your partner?  Is there such thing as unconditional love?  I hope so.

Am I in a Relationship?

The last time I posted (over a month ago!), I wrote about ending a budding romance with a guy who was freshly separated from his wife and not ready to get exclusive with anyone.  I told him that I, on the other hand, was ready to open my heart and get intimate with someone.  As much as I enjoyed his company, I needed to stay true to that desire.  I actually felt some empowerment getting clear about what I wanted and being honest about it.

A couple of weeks later, I reconnected with someone who I had dated back in August.  In fact, our first date was the day after I moved to town.  As we started to get intimate again, I let him know the same thing that I had told the architect.  I want to date one person only.  I don’t want to do the online dating buffet of eligible dates anymore.  I want to explore getting to know one person and see if they are indeed someone I could spend my life with (yikes, I just said that).  I don’t want to feel like the ABC Bachelorette comparing the great qualities of different men and wishing that I could have a pastiche of them all.

His initial response was that he was jealous of my clarity because he was not so sure what he wanted, and so we decided to continue being friends.  The next day, however, he met me at work for lunch, and quite frankly had the googly eyes (does anyone say that anymore?).  He said that I was having an impact on him, and then asked me to blow off work for a few days and get my ex to take care of my kids so that I could go to Cabo San Lucas with him.  Of course, I had to politely decline his spontaneous offer.  Quite honestly, I wasn’t really sure if it was for real (hadn’t he turned me down just the day before?).

Well, he returned from Mexico having had the epiphany that he did want to be with me, and he drove straight from the airport to tell me so (a Jerry Maguire moment, perhaps).  In the following days, he took down his OkCupid profile, met with the other women that he was dating to break it off with them, and then posted about us on Facebook.  He is clearly now “in. “  Yet this whirlwind of restarted romance has had me questioning: “Am I now in a relationship?”

Let’s see.  First it started with him picking up my prescriptions at the pharmacy.  I had thought that only spouses or family members could do that.  Then he spent the night and my son jumped in bed with us the next morning and cuddled with us both.  Oh yeah, and he changed his relationship status on Facebook and I had to confirm it.  I do believe the notification read, JL has asked to confirm that you are in a relationship with him.

I confirmed it and then immediately hid that information from my wall.  So his wall says that he is in a relationship with me.  Mine coyly says nothing, yet that doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.  My kids’ godmother friended him on Facebook and wrote on his wall that since he was in a “relationship” with one of her dearest friends, she couldn’t wait to meet him.  Another friend called me on the phone to say that her 14-year-old son had informed her that I was in a new “relationship.”  So, as much as I am trying to downplay that term, everyone else seems to be embracing it.

So why am I hesitating?  Aren’t I this open-hearted woman ready for love?  Isn’t this exactly what I wanted? A man who wants to “show me off on Facebook” (his words) and who takes obvious delight in introducing himself as my boyfriend?

Yes it is, and I am touched by his enthusiasm, big heart, and lack of inhibition.  But it’s just going to take a little getting used to.  I’m a divorcee.  I have dated quite a bit in the last four years.  Those facts are just part of my history and my identity and make me a bit more mindful of the different directions in which romance can go.  I’m not cynical.  In fact, I am quite hopeful and am enjoying every minute of this.  Yet I need some time to let it all sink in.  Perhaps Winnie the Pooh captures it best.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh,” he whispered.

“Yes, Piglet?”

“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

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I know it has been a while since I have posted, and many of you have sweetly contacted me and said that you miss me blogging.  I miss me blogging too.  I’m going to do my best to keep this up, especially since this new relationship has given me so much food for thought.  And I have a great guest post coming up that I have been meaning to post for over a month, so stay tuned…

50 Ways to Love Your Ex

I wrote this list a year ago but am reposting it in honor of Father’s Day.  It is so easy to focus on how angry your ex makes you, but can you think of the ways in which you appreciate him, especially as a father?

This list was inspired by two sources: Mom-in-a-Million who recently wrote a blog piece entitled “50 Ways to Love a Man” and Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,” which is my buddy Tobey’s favorite song.  It was a bit of a challenge to come up with fifty qualities that I love about my former hubby, but once I wrote it, I sure felt like I had the greatest ex in the world.  Sometimes it’s all about focus.

These are the wonderful things he does:

1) Tells me he loves me every day

2) Gives our kids a life perspective that I don’t have

3) Cleans my kitchen after he eats dinner with us (much better than I would)

4) Sometimes cleans other parts of the house just because (like our garage)

5) Draws beautiful pictures with our daughter (I am so not an artistic mama) Read the rest of this entry »

Post-Divorce Love

He doesn’t live in my house

But still resides in my heart

We might not share a bed,

But we raise two beautiful children

He is no longer my husband

Yet he is my life partner

Because our kids are our life.

Read the rest of this entry »

My Second Hand Man

Like me, you will have a

Few battle scars, albeit nicely healed.

You will have loved well and

Been loved, tenderly, passionately, maybe even

Too well, like a child’s bear

With lumpy stuffing, missing some hair.

You will crave companionship, yet need

Your independence, and that precious thing

We call space (a man cave?).

You will know yourself and do

what makes you happy, and I

Will gladly do the same. You

will take pleasure in my laugh,

And I will use it often

When you walk into the room.

We will not be each other’s

Lives, but merely be the finish

That allows the wood to shine.

You will delight in my children,

As all my friends do, really.

And my California family, no one

Can resist their energy and charisma.

And I will embrace your package

As well (no pun intended please!).

I’m sure to find you in

Some unexpected corner, behind used books

Or some funky sweaters or boots.

There you will be, waiting for

Me, my lovely second hand man.

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It is a Six Word Friday.