Crisis Management

This past week, something very troubling and sad happened in our lives, something that many of you may have seen on the news.  My daughter’s second grade teacher was arrested and charged with the possession and creation of child pornography.  This event was disturbing on so many levels, but the one that I want to mention is that it made me question my ability to trust people, especially men.

Layla’s teacher was a truly amazing and dedicated educator, and the allegations against him made me wonder what secrets each of us is keeping.  My faith in humanity was truly rocked.  This man, whom so many parents and children adored, had a secret life that was not only illegal but also quite harmful to the same people that he professed to care about.  The irony of this situation was quite painful and confusing for me.

Fortunately, a silver lining appeared in this incredibly dark cloud that was hovering above me.  People started reaching out and demonstrating a tremendous amount of kindness.  As is always the case, my Facebook community responded with overwhelming support.  I disagree with the criticisms made about the superficiality of social media connections because my online community has buoyed me in several moments of turmoil, and their love and admiration for my response to this situation helped restore my faith not only in humanity but also in the role of the Internet in our society (very bad for the dissemination of child porn, excellent for social support).  In addition, the parents at my kids’ school reached out to me, and we shared and bonded in a profound way that wouldn’t have been possible if not for a crisis that made us forget about our busy schedules and take time to talk to each other in a meaningful way.

In this difficult time, I want to mention two people who were particularly supportive to me, two people whose presence in my life I appreciate so much: my ex husband and Jon.  When I first heard the news, my immediate reaction was to call my ex.  It didn’t matter that we had just had a disagreement over plans for the kids’ February break about five minutes before.  I knew he’d care.  And I knew that he would listen to me.

I literally sobbed on the phone.  The mere fact that we could turn to each other in a time of crisis was so important.  No matter how much anyone cares about our kids, no one has the love and investment in them that we both do.  As a divorced couple, we don’t get to share that daily.  However, due to our peaceful relationship and continued friendship, we do have the ability to bond over the big things.  It was very helpful for me (and for him too, I believe) to process this together.

Jon was another great source of support.  I was really blunt with him about how this was coloring my view of men and eroding my ability to trust.  He said something that might seem small to some, but spoke volumes to me.  He reassured me that I could trust him.  He reminded me that he had been honest with me from day one.  As I had mentioned in an earlier post, sometimes that honesty seemed too much for me.  I wanted a rosy, romantic view of him.  Yet in this moment, when I was feeling a devastating lack of trust, I realized how right he had been.  By being forthright with me, he showed me an integrity that not all people are capable of.  And that felt really comforting.

So here I am, once again attempting to find the positive lesson in a very trying situation.  My heart was deeply saddened by the news that someone that my family had admired and trusted had allegedly betrayed that trust.  And it temporarily closed down.  Yet the presence of so many good people (and I use that word deliberately) in my life ended up opening it up wider than it had been before.

Maybe now you can see why I work to keep my exes in my life.  They enrich it in so many ways.  And for that, I am extremely grateful.

Sunshine Man

I received some startling news yesterday.  My ex-boyfriend D just got married, to a woman that he was seeing for less than a year.  D holds a special place in my heart because he was the first guy that I dated after my ex and I split up.  Maybe it was because I was at a tender place in time or because he was so patient and understanding with me or because he was ultimately so ambivalent, but I have always held a little flame for him.  In fact, just last summer I tried to fan that flame, but he turned me down.

I knew that he wasn’t “the one,” as it were.  Despite his dedication to me, he could be very aloof and distant.  Once I was feeling down and asked him if he would just stroke my hair, and he said that was too intimate for him.  I certainly believed that we had already done much more intimate things.  He used to tell me that he was emotionally broken and was incapable of love.  He was a workaholic who ended up with full custody of both of his children due to his ex’s problems.  He kept saying that he didn’t have room in his life for a girlfriend.

Read the rest of this entry »

Moment By Moment

First we were awkward, nervously asking

Pleasant questions about each other’s lives.

Then he launched into his meaculpa

I got sassy and asked if

He was in therapy.  He laughed.

My initial response was to say

This isn’t necessary. I’m taking care

Of it myself, inside of me.

But he continued talking, kindly, openly.

I started to weaken, tears welled

Inside of my throat, I refused

To let them out, to let

Him experience how vulnerable I felt.

He (admirably?) persisted in his quest.

I kept resisting until I realized

Resistance makes feelings stronger, more powerful.

And so I let go and

Opened my ears and heart to

What he was saying, and I

Finally accepted what he was offering.

I found myself softening and relaxing

Thereby feeling so much better, lighter.

We were even able to talk

About happy memories of times together.

In the end, he was right.

Talking did help facilitate some peace.

It brought us to a moment

Of clarity, warmth, connection, and love.

As I contemplated each moment of

Our interchange I thought of a

Joni Mitchell lyric that had been

On my mind during the day:

“All I really want our love

To do is to bring out

The best in me and in

You too.”  (Such optimism from Joni!)

In that moment, I do believe

That we brought out the best

In each other despite the pain.

A lofty goal achieved in one

Single moment.  Could we all strive

For that in each interchange we

Have?  I’d like to think so.

I’d like to be my best

Self at this moment, and each

And every one that comes along.

* * * * * * * *
This post is about the meeting that I had yesterday with my ex boyfriend Marc, the famous wound splitter and grey sweatsuit guy.  I told him about his monikers.  Amazingly enough, he still doesn’t understand what is wrong with the grey combo.  What could I possibly do with that?

This poem, as is my Friday tradition, is linked to Six Word Fridays.  I did cheat a bit by making mea culpa one word (it’s my fault).  This week’s topic was “at this moment.”  And what are you up to at this moment (other than reading this blog)?

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

I thought this was going to be my year.  I was feeling so serene at the change over, open to whatever you brought me without strong expectation or attachment.  Then you created a snow storm that canceled my weekend date.  That should have been no big deal but due to child care schedules, it seems like it will take another two weeks to re-schedule.  It made me question his interest in me and wish for some fire and passion.

So a few days later, you fire-bombed me, sending a man who asked me to join him at the local greenhouse, apparently hoping that things would get steamy.  Read the rest of this entry »

Kids Ask Tough Questions

The kids have been asking me some really tough questions lately about God, death, wars, and stuff like that.  So I should have been prepared for today’s hardball.  It’s actually a question that they have asked me before, and I have only given a perfunctory answer.  Layla asked me if I liked my ex husband’s girlfriend.

I took a breath, as I often do these days when I need a chance to access my higher self as it were, and responded truthfully.  I don’t really know her very well, but she seems nice because she loves them so much.  Layla said, Oh you would love her.  Jonah followed up with more questions.  I told him that it was a little uncomfortable for me to be friends with a woman who is with the man that I was with for thirteen years.  Even though I don’t want to be married to their dad anymore, my heart still hurts a little thinking about him with someone else.  I asked him if he understood and he said that he did.

A few minutes later, while eating frozen yogurt at GoBerry, Layla asked a follow-up question, presumably because she was thinking about the people that my ex and I have dated.  She asked me if I still liked Marc (my ex bf, aka wound splitter, aka grey sweat suit guy).  I said no, and Jonah, my peacemaker, said, but you are still friends, right?  I told him that I didn’t really consider him to be a friend because he wasn’t honest with me.  Although I have forgiven him (I certainly don’t want to teach them to hold grudges), I have decided that he is not the kind of person that I want to be friends with.  Again I asked if he understood and he said he did.

Later on at dinner Layla asked me if I loved to fart.  Jonah followed up with, Do we fart louder as we get older?  I was definitely grateful for the softballs this time.