The Right Approach to Divorce?

Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce had a big week in the blogosphere recently, as three different sites have discussed my approach to divorce.  Of course, their reactions couldn’t have been more different.  William Quincy Belle thought my article on peaceful divorce was a must read for anyone who is going through the divorce process and that I offer people hope during a grim time of personal crisis.  Cathy Meyer thought that I gave the impression that it was a divorcee’s own fault if she ended up with a hostile divorce and that with time my harmonious post-divorce family would dissolve, leaving me blind-sided and bereft.  The Bitter Divorcee rushed to my defense against Ms. Meyer and said that while my approach had made her envious at first, it also inspired her not to make peace with her ex (because that is impossible) but instead to make peace with herself.

As the topic of several of my posts has been my exploration of the attempt to get things right, I couldn’t help noting the irony that someone was angry with me for proffering my experience as the one and only right way to approach divorce.  As I question what is right for me and work through the process of finding it, I would hardly offer my experience as the only proper way to do it.  My way is certainly not the right way, nor is it the Truth with a capital T.  It is only right for me and my family, and the truth that I am expounding here is profoundly personal.  If it resonates with you, I am glad that I could share.  If it doesn’t, well thanks for stopping by.

Divorce is a gut-wrenching process that brings up a lot of anger and sadness.  Separating from the man that I loved most in this world did force me to take a look at myself, and I didn’t like all that I saw.  I’ll admit that I was very reactive and even angry and resentful in the last years of my marriage.  I over-reacted to my ex’s bad moods and let some of his habits really get under my skin.  I realized that I blamed him for my own unhappiness and that wasn’t fair.  I set about the process of forgiving myself for these faults, forgiving him for leaving the marriage and learning to appreciate us both in new ways.  I tried to be more mindful of my reactions and learned to stop myself in midstream when I was being argumentative with him.  I started to accept his behavior as beyond my control, and I actively appreciated the ways in which he was a good father and friend to me.  I decided to make our love more important than our conflict. Read the rest of this entry »

A New Perspective

Many of my readers write to me privately to tell me that they want a peaceful divorce but that their exes’ actions are causing them hurt feelings and anger.  Clearly, no one leaves a marriage feeling satisfied with their spouse’s behavior, and the post-divorce period usually makes things worse, as you have to make difficult financial and child rearing decisions.  So how do you find a way to forge peace between you and your ex?  By looking within yourself.

There is no way to control your ex’s behavior.  That was one of the first lessons that I learned post-divorce.  If I couldn’t control him when he was living with me, I certainly couldn’t once he was gone.  So I gave up trying, and that was a huge relief.

I came to realize that the only control I have is over my own thoughts and actions.  So I tried instead to look at myself and my divorce from a new perspective.  Once I was able see myself and my ex with new eyes, my world seemed a little brighter.

I just published this story today on the Huffington Post, so I invite you to look at me with new eyes and go check out the piece.  As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Getting It Right

If I’ve learned something with age

It’s that life isn’t about getting

It right because the trials and

Tribulations are what make you grow

As I face my new challenges

I have the opportunity for change

I have some dreams to fulfill

I’d like to be in California

Near my parents and my sister

Living in a cute one-story home

A citrus tree in the yard

Light streaming through the abundant windows

A view of the hills somewhere

Within driving distance of the ocean

The smell of eucalyptus wafting through

My sunshine man will be there

And I’ll have a good job

And time to write my book

This may be a fantasy, but

I’ll say, it sure feels right.

* * * * * * * *

I struggled a bit with Melissa’s topic of right this week.  Everything feels topsy turvy in my life now and it’s hard to know what the right step will be for us.  However, once I started writing, my inner vision of a new life came through, and everything felt right again.  Ah the power of writing!  It has the ability to take an unpleasant situation and make it feel like a thing of beauty.

If you are interested in the topic of right (as in I know that I am right, dammit!), check out my post “Do You Want to Be Right or Do You Want to Be Happy?”

Do you have any fantasies that make reality seem a little more palatable?  Do share…

A Novel Approach

I have been feeling stagnant recently

I need a fresh outlook, a

New approach so I have made

A resolution, a radical one maybe.

I’m going to disconnect, a bit,

From the internet this weekend (Gasp!).

I can’t go cold turkey because

I do have work emails to

Respond to, but, I am going

To take Layla’s “Sprench” class on

Saturday morning.  She has a two

Hour line-up of language and poetry

Scheduled for me.  In the afternoon

Brandon’s intermediate yoga class, followed by

Scrabble with friends at the new

Local hipster café (I’ll wear black).

Sunday I have a brunch date,

With a man I met virtually

I’m looking forward to a face-to-face

So I can see his eyes,

And hear his voice, and see

If there’s any chemistry beyond e-mail.

I’m hoping to clear my mind

Of who has read my blog

Or made a witty remark on

Facebook or looked at my profile.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love

Those things, but I need a

Change, so here I go, being

Present with what I can see

And touch and taste and smell.

Is that such a novel approach?

If you need me, give me

A call, or better yet, stop

By.  I’d love to see you.

* * * * * * * *

A “novel” Six Word Friday post.  Have you got any new approaches that you’re trying out?  My sister is always working on a new scheme, regime or philosophy.  That’s one of the things that makes her so fun.

Writing about my Exes

A friend of mine recently tweeted a picture of an e-card that said “I’m having a breakup party and all you need to bring is contempt for my ex.”  I was surprised at this because I know that she has a very harmonious relationship with her ex-husband.  She explained that she never felt contempt for her “baby daddy,” just for other exes.  I had to laugh at that because the other day one of my blog readers, who I have dated a few times, told me that I was much harder on my ex boyfriends than on my ex husband.  That got me thinking.  Do I have a double standard for men? Read the rest of this entry »