I’d Do It All Again

On this day in 1998, I got married to the man I loved.  It was a very special ceremony with just 36 guests on the top of a cliff overlooking the confluence of the Russian River and the Pacific Ocean.  I never felt more in love or in sync with another human being as I did that day.

Thirteen years later, we are no longer together, both maritally and geographically.  I woke up this morning from a terrible dream in which we had had a huge fight.  It was so realistic that I had a tension headache and tightness in my chest.  I felt very powerless and angry.

Many of my readers tell me that they would like to have a peaceful and loving relationship with their exes, but that they can’t seem to connect with them or even like the person that they chose to spend their lives with.  I can understand that feeling.  Since the move to Boston and the conflicts that it has stirred up, I too have experienced those emotions.  As I see my ex from afar, I wonder sometimes how we could have ever loved each other as much as we did.  We have such different temperaments and personalities.  Even my son recently told me that he couldn’t imagine us ever being married.

Last night I watched a melodramatic movie called “Bandslam,” in which the teenage protagonist is raised by a single mom, after his father goes to jail.  Despite having a supposed SOB for a husband, the mom says to her son that she would do it all again in a heart beat because it led to the birth of her beloved son.  Of course I feel the same way.  I have these two amazing children who are smart, sensitive, funny, and very loving.

However, my kids are not the only reason that I would marry him again.  Despite the pain, conflicts and inevitable loss, we also had some wonderful years together, and he has greatly contributed to the person that I am today.  He taught me that I could love someone so deeply that he seemed like an extension of myself.  With him, I learned to share my life, my goals and my dreams.  I’m not sure that I would have made it through the intense and isolating experience of graduate school without his companionship and support.  In short, he is woven into the fabric of my life even before we had kids.

And I certainly learned about myself through the tough times as well.  I think we both see where we made mistakes and are trying to do things differently now.  Trial and error are powerful teachers.  Sometimes in our striving for achievement, we forget that.

So today, when we would have been celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary, we will be briefly crossing paths at an Applebee’s off of the Mass Turnpike instead as I pick up the kids from him.  Nevertheless, I celebrate this day and the wonderful gifts that it has given me.  I love him still, and thank him for his mark on my life.

49 Years

Aren't my parents a dishy couple?

They met in 1961.

On a blind date.

While she was pinned to someone else.

That guy was soon forgotten,

As she agreed to marry my dad a few days later.

My Oma dropped a plate in surprise.

Then my mom took off for Europe for three months,

And they were married after Christmas.

A romantic, yet impulsive, beginning.

Throughout the years,

They have had their conflicts.

No doubt.

But they always work them out,

And neither of them holds grudges,

Nor takes the fights too seriously.

Their secret?

It’s not passion, nor values, nor their kids, nor sheer dedication,

Although they’ve had them all.

Mom says theirs is a spiritual union.

That doesn’t mean they’re united in God’s eyes,

And thus will be forever connected.

It means that they continue to help each other grow and learn.

And that’s an excitement that never gets old.

* * * * * * * *

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.  Your relationship is an inspiration to everyone who knows you.  I love you both very much.

Do any of you have any marital secrets you’d like to share?  I’d love to know them…

Happy Election Night

I had forgotten what today was.  I voted of course.  My Facebook friends reminded me to do that (you’ve got to love the social media).  No, I had forgotten something of arguably greater importance in my personal life until my ex texted me and said “Happy Election Night! xoxo”

He and I went out on our very first date on election night, 1994.   I had just started graduate school but had been working previously on political campaigns in California so I was invested in the outcome.  I had noticed that my ex had been the last person to leave my party on the prior Saturday night so I thought he might be interested in joining me to watch election returns.  In addition, he was the only grad student I knew that I thought would actually take time off from studying on a Tuesday night.

Sure enough he accepted.  We had beers at the Anchor in New Haven and then went back to my house and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to hear the returns from the West Coast.  It was a bad night to be a Democrat as Bill Clinton’s party lost their majority to Newt Gingrich’s Contract with America.  But it was a good night to be me because I connected with the man that would be my husband and the father of my two beautiful children Jonah Gabriel and Layla Esperanza.

A girl never forgets her first true love.  I am glad that, despite our differences, bitterness has not hardened our hearts and that we can fondly remember the beginning of something really big in our lives.  Yes, divorce is disappointing, but it shouldn’t make us forget the love that once existed.

Death in the Afternoon

A recent photo of Utah lovingly taken by Layla

“Madame, all stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true story teller who would keep that from you.” Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon

My husband said that he knew he liked me when he saw me walking my elderly dog in the streets of our neighborhood in New Haven.  Mona, a brindled beagle and pit bull mix, had found her way into my life in the winter before I knew that I was moving to the East Coast.  She was an older dog with an injured knee.  A friend of mine was dating a veterinarian who saved stray dogs and she asked me if I’d be willing to adopt her.  Now that I look back on it, it was kind of an impetuous decision but I said sure.

My dad took one look at her and said one of the most profound things that he has ever said to me, It looks like you have the same taste in dogs as you do in men.   Read the rest of this entry »