Start a Conversation, Start a Connection

When you read something good, you just have to share it, no?  Yesterday I read my friend Amy Gutman’s essay called “In praise of erring.”  Amy has a terrific new blog called “Plan B Nation” which bravely examines her life of relative unemployment despite her stellar education and impressive resume.  I realized that I had not added “Plan B Nation” to my blogroll, an oversight that has now been remedied because it hit me that what is more Plan B than a life after divorce?

Her post, that I literally cannot stop thinking about, addresses the issue of how we make decisions, and if we are to err in some way, doesn’t it make sense to err on the side of human connection?  She tells the story of approaching two women in a local café who seemed really interesting.  Although she was feeling a bit hesitant about whether to go talk to them, she summoned up the courage to do so and discovered that they were lovely people.  Her conclusion was that erring on the side of human connection will more often than not bring a richness to your life.

After I read her article, I started thinking about my closest friends and how I met them.  I met one woman in a chiropractor’s office where we casually discussed our kids and traveling to Puerto Rico.  We saw each other a few times at the Northampton Parents Center, then went several years without contact, only to run into each other one day in Whole Foods.  We struck up a conversation, I asked her for her email, and she is now one of my closest friends.  In fact, our connection was rekindled and deepened right before my ex and I split up, and she was instrumental in supporting me through that difficult time.

Years later, I started a conversation with a woman that I had seen a few times in yoga when I saw her with her kids at a pool in Northampton.  It turned out that she was going through a divorce, and I basically asked her out.  I can’t remember how, but I think I got her email and said let’s have drinks after yoga some night.  Again, she is now one of my dearest friends and, as a fellow divorcee, she and I have helped each other time and time again navigate the sometimes rocky terrain of co-parenting, dating, and having a friendship with your ex.

As many of you know, I recently moved to the Boston area after spending eight years in the friendliest town on Earth, where it is not so uncommon for people to reach out to each other.  It’s a little trickier in a big, busy urban area.  However, just this week, I had social engagements with three different people that I made an effort to get to know.

One was a mom from my kids’ school who had reached out to me on Curriculum Night.  I saw her again at parent dinner party, that I was attending solo and feeling somewhat uncomfortable about being in a roomful of couples.  I made a beeline for her (as she was the only familiar face in the room), and it turned out that not only did we have many interests in common, but we also both attended Yale at the same time (she was in med school and I was in grad school).

Another was a friend of Jon’s that I wanted to get to know better, yet I wasn’t sure how she would react after Jon and I broke up.  I brought that up to her, and she was fine with it.  But I could have easily assumed that she was just Jon’s friend, even though our breakup was amicable.  We have become fast friends and this week she brought me chicken soup when I was sick.

My third social date this week came about through circumstances that pushed me even farther out of my comfort zone.  At the New Year, I had set myself the intention of making more friends in Boston because I felt that I had gotten a little lazy about that while dating Jon.  So I contacted a guy that I had met only once and then become Facebook friends with.  He seemed funny and witty, so I told him about my intention and asked if he’d help me accomplish it.  He said yes, eventually we hung out together, and within minutes, we were laughing like a couple of schoolgirls.

My point with all these examples is to jump on Amy’s bandwagon and let people know that the simple act of taking a risk and starting a conversation with someone can lead to a connection that enriches your life immeasurably.  The connections that I have made with the aforementioned people have been instrumental in navigating my life as a divorced mom.

As a divorcee, you often lose the cocoon of having a built-in social life.  One of the things that I liked best about being married was that I always had a companion to play with on the weekends.  Now I have to seek out those companions.  And now that I am in a new city, I have to build a whole new support network (although Northampton is, thankfully, only 90 minutes away).

So, if any of you divorcees (or singletons or marrieds) are feeling a little lonely, just remember that a deep and meaningful connection may only be a conversation away.  Many of us put in time and effort online seeking dates.  If we would only take the risk to say hi to someone in public, to comment on the book they are reading on the bus, or remark upon their adorable child or pet, we might find that we can make connections in person.  So I encourage you to put down your iPhones and take out your ear buds and see if there is anyone around you who looks or sounds interesting.  It just might be the best move you ever make.

Thanks, Amy, for this reminder.  You’ve made me realize how the casual conversation at the pool, doctor’s office or jury duty has left an indelible impression on my life.

A Woman’s Role in Dating

This week I had my fourth session with my relationship coach Sheila Paxton.  On the agenda was a strengths inventory that was designed to get me to understand the ways in which I am a “catch” and would make someone a great romantic partner.  Since confidence is one of my strengths, it wasn’t difficult for me to do this exercise.  In fact, I had already written a blog post about what I liked most about myself, so I based it on that.  When re-reading the post, however, I realized that I should add much of that information to my online dating profile.  As soon as I did, some new men showed interest in me, so I suppose I can say that Sheila’s exercise has already paid off.

However, what I found most provocative about our session was our discussion about how my understanding of my strengths shapes my relationships with others.  I know that I am strong, smart, grounded, and emotionally aware.  I am a very competent and self-sufficient woman.  I confessed to Sheila that I often struggle in my relationships with men because it is really easy for me to take the initiative and be the assertive one.  There are many dating experts (and my friends included) who believe that men are the ones who should play that role, not women.  That has always felt uncomfortable to me, both personally and ideologically.  Sheila encouraged me to reach out to men online (or in real life) and ask them out.  She thought that was a great idea, but she did think that once we did have a first date, I should be patient and wait for them to reciprocate.  I immediately pounced on her word “patient” because it made much more sense to me than the other word that I was associating with this action, which is “passive.”  I have always had a rebellious feminist streak in me that disdains the social norms of female passivity in the face of male initiative.  In fact, I have basically resisted the concept of gender roles in general.  In my mind, each gender should be free to adopt or pursue any role that he or she sees fit.

However, Sheila placed this into a new context for me.  Instead of seeing it as a gender imperative, she pointed out that it is important that I teach others how I want to be treated.  If I always take the initiative, as I have done in a few of my past relationships, I send the subtle message that I like that role, when what I really want is a partner who will also take the lead.  As she was saying this, I realized that this dynamic is not only present in my romantic interactions, but also in parenting and friendship as well.  For example, I haven’t really taught my kids basic household chores like setting or clearing the table, cleaning up, or making snacks for themselves.  It is so easy for me to just do those things for them, and I know that they will be done quickly and well, if I do them.  So my strength and competence are both wonderful attributes and liabilities because they sometimes don’t allow others a way to give to me.

So my new goal is to think about what message my actions are sending, how I am teaching others to treat me.  My first step starts with my kids.  I have been encouraging them to pitch in more, and they have been responding well (with the occasional grumbling of course).  Sheila also gave me the homework of allowing my dates to do “more” in some way, shape, or form.  The first thing that came to mind was the way that I lead the conversation on most of my dates by asking them lots of questions about themselves.  I often leave dates disappointed that the men have not asked more about me, but I have to admit that I often don’t offer them much time and space to do so.  So I have to let them ask more questions.

In addition, I am trying to be mindful or intentional about how my actions subtly reinforce behaviors that I don’t want to support, like my children sitting on their butts and asking me to wait on them.  Or a friend of mine who often overreacts in anger towards me, while I plead for forgiveness even when I know I have done nothing wrong just because I want to keep the peace.  On the flip side, my discussion with Sheila also has me examining the relationships that are going well, and how my actions have positively contributed to that.  In other words, Sheila is certainly living up to her title as relationship coach because the insights I have made are not just applicable to romance.

So, my friends, I now invite your input.  Do you properly acknowledge your positive attributes?  Are there places in which your strengths can also be weaknesses?  Are there any relationships in your life in which your actions are subtly teaching others to treat you in a way you might not want to be treated?  Do tell…

I am Mad…at Myself

Disclaimer: I seem to be in quite the snarky mood, which is unusual for me.  I think it’s because my kids have been gone all week, and I decided to live off of salads and bits of dark chocolate.  I was feeling so skinny, so “beyond” the need to really eat dinner, and I thought it was an ingenious way to avoid cooking and cleaning.  Well, it don’t think it has been good for me, but I thought I’d blog while I’m in this mood because maybe a new kind of edginess would come out of my writing (like I’m so avant garde).

Anyway, have you ever gotten really, really angry at someone?  So angry that you wanted to burn all bridges and just let the person really have it?  And then you calmed down just a touch and you realized that the person that you were really mad at was yourself?

As many of you know, I have recently started working with a relationship coach, Sheila Paxton, of Intentional Relationships.  Yesterday was our third of ten sessions.  Her objective is to get people to think about dating and relationships in a new way so as to not repeat old patterns, and in order to find the kind of relationship that really suits their needs and jibes with their values.  As I have been doing her work, I have been finding a certain struggle between what I thought was my head and my gut.  For those of you who are interested in personality typing systems, I am an ENTJ in the Meyers Briggs and an 8 in the Enneagram, which means that I make decisions very intuitively, including decisions to get romantically involved.  As Sheila and I were talking yesterday, she was encouraging me to be more patient, more present, and not to make snap judgments about a date.  When I told her this was a struggle for me, she said that it would appear that my gut had led me astray in the past, and that I needed to be more objective and mindful (which, to me, sounds like using my head more).

Well, today when I got really mad at this person, I eventually realized that I was frustrated more at myself.  This person’s actions were, in a lot of ways, congruent with what I had seen when we were first getting to know each other.  However, I overrode my intuitions about him because I was hoping that we could make a relationship work.  I wanted him to be my prince charming, so to speak, and in a lot of ways, he played that role valiantly.  Yet the gut response that I had when we first met turned out to be right.  I certainly don’t regret anything that I did because 1) I had tons of fun doing it (until the breakup of course, that’s never fun) and 2) it has led me to some important insights.

My intellect and my intuition are not at odds, as I had led Sheila to believe, yesterday.  I’m just not always listening to my intuition.  Sometimes her voice is so subtle that I can’t hear her speak.  She is the quiet student in my class who infrequently raises her hand, but when she does, she has tremendous insight.  At times there are louder, more charming, more loquacious students who dominate the field, but this student will always have the right answer when I remember to call on her.

This is why I need yoga.  This is why working with a coach has been so fruitful.  This is why I need to write (or journal, as my friend says) because it helps me connect to that inner voice of wisdom, call it my higher self or my godhead (as the Gnostics would say).  Whew.  Now I can breathe again.

* * * * * * * * * *
Second disclaimer: Sheila has agreed to waive her fee in exchange for me writing about my work with her.  But as you all have come to expect from me, I’m always honest about what I think.  So far, her counseling has been very helpful.  Go check out her website.

Addicted to Fantasy

There is a great Sex and the City episode (yes, I love that show), where Carrie has plans for a first date with writer named Jack Berger.  He leaves a witty message on her answering machine (remember those?), and she declares to her friends that they are going to be very happy together.  Then she says, “I love that period before the first date when you can say that and really mean it.”

Fantasy can be one of the most enjoyable aspects of a romance, as we notice a few appealing characteristics about a man and then extrapolate a whole future with him based on the limited information we have.  I have always agreed with Carrie’s line because I love the excitement that a new potential romance holds.  However, my new relationship coach, Sheila Paxton, is encouraging me not to engage in this kind of fanciful speculation.

Why, you ask (and I sure asked it).  Because it clouds my vision.  She actually wants me to forgo even looking at a man and asking myself if he has long-term potential.  That was particularly surprising for me.  I know that I sometimes wear rose-colored glasses at the beginning of a relationship, but I thought that if I tried to choose a man who would make a suitable long-term partner, I would be taking a step in the right direction.  However, Sheila says that this is part of the fantasy as well because my desire to find a life partner could cause me to see a man not for who he really is, but for who I want him to be.

Instead, she wants me to approach dating like a scientist (not such a sexy term, is it?), collecting data on each man that I spend time with.  She wants me to make unbiased observations about each guy to see if he shares my core values (I am going to be doing a values inventory for our fifth session).  As a person that tends to make intuitive and instinctive decisions and judgments about people, my first reaction to this advice was, “I’ve never done it this way before.”  She cheerfully reminded me that the reason that I am working with a coach is to try a new approach.  And she’s right.

However, in order to adopt this approach, I am finding that I have to resist my natural impulses.  Being present in the moment isn’t hard for me when I am on a date, but before or after a promising date, I notice that my romantic enthusiasm tends to run wild.  When I feel chemistry with someone or have a fun or witty interchange, my mind tends to race ahead.  I feel like an excited teenager, who wants to make declaration about how great the guy is for me (a la Carrie Bradshaw).  Geez, I’m such a girl.  However, it just might be time to aspire to be an adult in romantic relationships.

On a final note, today my yoga teacher Brandon instructed us to “stay conscious and stay coachable.”  My work with Sheila is the first time that I have had a coach, and I am really enjoying the experience.  As Brandon gave me some really great assists in certain yoga postures, I realized that coaching feels analogous to his help, which allows me to explore the poses in a deeper way, in a way that I couldn’t quite get to on my own.  Sheila is giving me insight into some of my relationship patterns and helping me explore some uncharted territory.  I’m looking forward to seeing what unfolds.

Loving My Life

Today is Valentine’s Day and I considered re-posting what I wrote last year, a piece called Single Awareness Day. February 14th can be a tough day for singles, especially us women who are fans of romance and sometimes feel incomplete without a partner.  However, I realized that this year I have so many blessings to count that to even think twice about being single would be to squander them.

In addition, my seven-year-old daughter Layla showed me the Valentine that she wrote to herself.  It read: Dear Layla, I love being Layla and that will never change.  Happy Valentine’s Day. Love, Layla.  I was overwhelmed by her love for herself and realized that she certainly had the right idea.  Today, and all days really, we should celebrate our love for ourselves.  Without it, we can’t truly love anyone else anyways, at least not successfully.

In the past, I have written alove letter to myself and also appreciation lists (the best of which, perhaps, is “50 Ways to Love Your Ex“), so today I am going to continue that tradition and give you all an update of how life has changed for us in Boston and how we are thriving.

1)    I love my new job. It has turned out to be a great position for me.  I have taken on new responsibilities like mentoring graduate student teachers and sharing pedagogical tips with them, and that has been a wonderful new challenge and source of stimulation for me.  In addition, my university is sending me to Madrid for the summer to teach a six-week course.  Since it will be such a great cultural opportunity for them, my ex has agreed to let me take the kids with me for the whole time.  We are all very excited about this new adventure.

2)    Boston is a great city. It has been very fun to live in a bigger metropolitan area.  In the last few months, I have gone to more museums than I have attended in years.  I love the excitement and newness of living in a new place, and have enjoyed making new friends and exploring new places.  In addition, my kids are attending one of the best public schools in the state.

3)    Our new custody schedule is working well. When we lived in Northampton, my ex and I had the benefit of being only 5 minutes away, and we were able to see each other and the kids almost every day.  That has undoubtedly changed as we are now in Boston, and he is still in Western Mass, and we do miss him.  The kids now stay with me during the school week and spend the weekends with him.  We meet about halfway across the state in Auburn every Friday afternoon after school, and then I pick them up there again on Sunday evenings.  This has allowed the kids to have the consistency of one household during the school days, and I have enjoyed having my weekends free to socialize, do school work, and go to yoga.  Furthermore, the kids have half days on Tuesdays, and I have arranged my teaching schedule so that I could get some down time with them on those days.  All things considered, this change has happened with relative ease, and I am so appreciative of that.

All in all, this move has been a great one.  It has enabled us to have new and exciting experiences while maintaining our bonds with our family and friends in Northampton as well.  As I contemplate my present situation, I feel so very pleased to have had this opportunity.

In the spirit of Layla’s Valentine’s Day card to herself, one of my dear new friends posted on Facebook a beautiful poem by Derek Wolcott called “Love After Love.”  I share it with you now as an inspiration for each one of us to look for love from within, instead of focusing on who is giving us love from without.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another; who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.