A Proper Apology

Jon and I have a new term that we have been using: “second time around.”  It is a play on one of the lines that I put in my online dating profile that I like a man as I like my clothes: stylish, gently used, and previously loved.  It is also the name of a vintage clothing store chain in Boston where he recently bought me a little, black skirt.

As divorcees with kids, Jon and I are both conscious of the fact that we are experiencing love for the second time around.  There are both pros and cons to this, as we certainly don’t have the blind, innocent infatuation that we did the first time around.  However, the self-knowledge that comes from the introspection that we both did after our marriages fell apart is, frankly, priceless.

We are both aware that we want to do things differently and better, obviously, and as a result, comparisons to our previous spouses are somewhat inevitable.  Such a comparison came this week, when we had a little bump in the road, and fortunately for me, Jon came out smelling like roses.  The conflict arose after we returned from our Thanksgiving road trip in which we traveled to Philadelphia, New York City and Vermont, where I got to meet two of his three brothers and his ex-wife.  It was wonderful trip, so good that I didn’t blog about it because it would be too saccharine for my style.  You all know that I like a good conflict to overcome and learn from, and, well, I got one.

I won’t go into the details of the fight (something has to be private, right?).  Suffice it to say that we returned from this really great trip where we got to experience some wonderful intimacy, and on Monday morning, Jon mentions to me this really petty thing that I do that, well, annoys him… a lot.  And it’s something that I can’t easily change.  He brought it up because in his version of second time around, he is trying to be more honest and deal with conflict more openly instead of stuffing things inside where they might fester and explode.  Ironically, though, my marriage taught me the opposite because I felt like I told my ex too many things that bothered me about him, thereby hurting his feelings.  Since then, I have been trying to let more small things go and appreciate Jon, instead of discussing issues to death.

In a nutshell, Jon was trying to do what he thought was best for our relationship, but I felt judged and hurt, and it made me retreat and close up my heart a little.  However, Jon handled the situation really well.  He apologized profusely for hurting me and acknowledged that it was his issue.  Then he sent me a dozen roses the next day.

I was really touched by this gesture and by his attitude in general.  In the past (here comes the comparison), I felt like my ex never really apologized when he did things that hurt me.  He would say that he was sorry, but there was always a caveat attached to it.  There was usually a justification about how it was really me who brought the issue on.  To be fair, I’m sure he would say that I did the same thing.  Yet from where I stand here and now, post-divorce, the second time around, I am extremely appreciative that Jon was able to give me a pure and unadulterated apology.

The conflict, which at first made me question our compatibility, in the end brought us closer.  Not only was I impressed with his ability to make amends, but I also felt even more intimate with him.  I allowed him to see some of my vulnerability and insecurity, and he accepted me nonetheless.  Dealing with our tension also forced me to admit that he is a man worth fighting with, and for (sorry for the dangling prepositions, Jon.)

In short, I learned that sometimes a little bump in the road makes you appreciate the smooth ride afterward.

My First Thanksgiving Without the Kids

The kids just left with my ex and his girlfriend.  They are driving to the DC area to see his sister and his mother, who is flying up from Puerto Rico.  This is the first time that Jonah and Layla will see their grandmother and their cousins in about six years.  They were very excited, and I was happy to see that.

However, it must be said that this is going to be my first Thanksgiving without the kids, and I am also feeling sad.  In past years, my ex has come to my house, and we have celebrated as a family.  I love to cook, and the kids’ godparents usually join us.  This year is a departure from that tradition.  Considering how much our lives have changed since my move to Boston, I guess it is a change that makes sense.

As I stood outside the kids’ school waiting to pick them up today, I felt an aching in my heart and a lump in my throat.  Yet, the longer I stood there, the more I realized that I was lucky to be able to pick them up from school like I do because my ex doesn’t do that anymore.  I know that he feels sad to be missing out on that mundane yet also meaningful ritual.  Certainly, there are many parents, married or divorced, that miss key events in their kids’ lives because of their jobs or other responsibilities.  It is hard to make it to everything, and it is literally impossible to be with them for every important moment because some of them have to be experienced without parental involvement.  This thought made me feel better.

I may not get to experience this Thanksgiving dinner with them, but I get to have my own fun.  I am going on a road trip with my new boyfriend Jon.  We are heading to Philadelphia tomorrow night to eat a deep-fried turkey with one of his brothers.  His sister-in-law is going to take me to a yoga class with her (clearly my kind of woman).  On Friday we are heading to New York City to pick up Jon’s son, and then we go North to Vermont to eat yet another meal with a different brother.  On Sunday we are swinging back to Northampton to pick up the kids at my ex’s place.  Jonah wants to show Jon and his son his favorite Noho spots, namely Sam’s Pizzeria and GoBerry.  Finally, we return to Newton, hopefully with enough time for Jon to make a fort with the boys, as per Jonah’s request.

I am really excited about these plans.  It’s fun not having to plan and cook a big meal.  It’s fun getting to be someone’s guest and meet new people.  It’s fun to explore new places, even at a whirlwind pace.  And it will be great to be with Jon for one of his favorite pastimes: driving.

As I got a little choked up as the kids left, Layla promised to call me everyday, and Jonah looked me in the eye and said “I know that you will miss us, but you have Jon.”  I think that made him feel better, knowing that I won’t be alone and will be having my fun too.

In divorce, sometimes you just have to admit that you can be both sad and happy.  Sad that you may not be with your kids all the time, sad that you lost a meaningful love relationship, sad at how things have changed.  Yet at the same time, there is much to rejoice in.  In my case, I am happy to be living in a fun new city, happy that I have a great new job that is challenging me in exciting ways, and thrilled that I have started a relationship with a kind, funny, generous, and loving man.  At this holiday of gratitude, I can’t help but acknowledge the momentary sting of my children leaving.  Yet more than anything, I choose to focus on, and give thanks for, the abundant, sweet goodness of my life.

What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding?

Well, it has happened.  Jon has met my ex.  It’s surprising, really, because my ex rarely makes it to Boston.  We usually meet in lovely Auburn, MA, a burb noted for nothing more than being halfway between Boston and the Pioneer Valley and being easily accessible from the turnpike.  However, this week, Jonah was missing our Friday night dinners together so my ex graciously offered to come all the way here.

I was eager to revive our past tradition (or perhaps recreate it in a new way), yet I also had a date with Jon.  He was returning from a business trip in Atlanta and was anxious to come over to my place right after landing.  So I had a potential crossing of the paths, or meeting of the men, on my hands.  Jon perceived that right away and said that he had no problem meeting my ex, but wondered if he’d feel uncomfortable.  I decided to adopt a “don’t find trouble until trouble finds you” attitude and said that I thought he’d be fine with it.

So as we were heading out to dinner, I let my ex know that Jon might be showing up before he had left.  He was very cool about it and asked a few questions, like how does Jonah feel about him (Why only Jonah? That must be a guy thing.)  Over dinner he started asking me other questions, such as does he like beer.  I said, doesn’t everyone, and the kids said yes.  Then he asked if he’d be bringing some beer over to the house.  I said, I have beer in the house if you’d like one.  Then I realized what he was really getting at, and I asked him if he wanted to have a beer with Jon.  He said yes, which I thought was good sign.

The rest of the story is really rather uneventful.  It was a little quiet, maybe a tad awkward, but the kids filled the room, as always.  My ex didn’t stay long since he needed to drive back to Northampton.  As they were leaving, we discovered that one of my neighbors had blocked his car in so the kids and I went looking for them.  As I looked behind us, I did see the two of them leaned against my van having a brief conversation.  My heart swelled at the sight.  We’re just one step closer to my ultimate vision of peaceful world domination, in which we all join hands and sing “We are the world.”

The Road I Chose to Travel

There are times in life when you are made imminently aware that you have made a good decision.  Today was one of those days.  Those of you who have read my last two posts know the story about the architect that I was dating and how I discovered that his ex wife had written hate graffiti all over his bathroom and that I subsequently stopped dating him.  And you also know that I since have started dating someone that I really like.

The fact that I am in a happy new relationship is of course proof enough that I made the right decision when I ended things with the architect.  However, I got even more proof today when the architect and I met for lunch for the first time since we broke things off.  His whole life is in upheaval.  He can’t afford to keep his house and has taken a roommate, his wife consequently refused to let him have his visitations with the kids, and his ex-mother-in-law assaulted him.  Needless to say, he expressed that he is under a lot of stress.

As I sat and listened to him tell me his horror stories, I’ll admit that my first thought was not necessarily compassion for a fellow divorcee, but instead one of deep relief.  The architect is still a sweet, smart, and charming fellow, but he is going through an extremely difficult moment in his life, a moment that frankly no woman should have to share with him.  As he fully acknowledges, he is in no place to get emotionally connected to his lovers (which may beg the question as to why he is dating in the first place).

I felt myself thinking about Jon, the guy I am with now, and appreciating his emotional availability, his desire to spend time with my kids, and his enthusiasm to build a future together (I am spending Thanksgiving with him and his brothers, and he is visiting my family in California over New Year’s).  The relationship (yes I am using that word now) that we are building is exactly the kind that I was hoping for.

In a nutshell, as I was nodding along and responding at appropriate times to the architect, I was having an internal dialogue with myself: “I knew it! I so made the right decision not to try to stick it out with him, hoping that he would eventually want something more.  Thank God that I am not involved with a guy who is going through so much emotional turmoil.  I am so grateful that I had the courage to state what I wanted and get out when he couldn’t provide that.  Oh, and I can’t wait to get home to blog about this.”

Later on in the discussion, when he told me that his new roommate doesn’t even care that there are cheater, liar, adulterer messages all over their bathroom, we talked about my decision to end our budding romance due to his clearly acrimonious relationship with his ex wife.  He said that he understood my reaction and expressed regret for having exposed me to it.  I told him that it was actually a blessing in disguise because that situation made me not only clarify what I wanted from a relationship but also gave me the courage to be vocal about it.  If that hadn’t happened, I don’t know that I would have been so honest with Jon about what I later wanted from him.

I know that life doesn’t always turn out the way that you plan it, nor does it even necessarily make sense.  Yet sometimes you are lucky enough to take a step that leads you down a really good path.  Today I am celebrating the road that I decided to travel.

Am I in a Relationship?

The last time I posted (over a month ago!), I wrote about ending a budding romance with a guy who was freshly separated from his wife and not ready to get exclusive with anyone.  I told him that I, on the other hand, was ready to open my heart and get intimate with someone.  As much as I enjoyed his company, I needed to stay true to that desire.  I actually felt some empowerment getting clear about what I wanted and being honest about it.

A couple of weeks later, I reconnected with someone who I had dated back in August.  In fact, our first date was the day after I moved to town.  As we started to get intimate again, I let him know the same thing that I had told the architect.  I want to date one person only.  I don’t want to do the online dating buffet of eligible dates anymore.  I want to explore getting to know one person and see if they are indeed someone I could spend my life with (yikes, I just said that).  I don’t want to feel like the ABC Bachelorette comparing the great qualities of different men and wishing that I could have a pastiche of them all.

His initial response was that he was jealous of my clarity because he was not so sure what he wanted, and so we decided to continue being friends.  The next day, however, he met me at work for lunch, and quite frankly had the googly eyes (does anyone say that anymore?).  He said that I was having an impact on him, and then asked me to blow off work for a few days and get my ex to take care of my kids so that I could go to Cabo San Lucas with him.  Of course, I had to politely decline his spontaneous offer.  Quite honestly, I wasn’t really sure if it was for real (hadn’t he turned me down just the day before?).

Well, he returned from Mexico having had the epiphany that he did want to be with me, and he drove straight from the airport to tell me so (a Jerry Maguire moment, perhaps).  In the following days, he took down his OkCupid profile, met with the other women that he was dating to break it off with them, and then posted about us on Facebook.  He is clearly now “in. “  Yet this whirlwind of restarted romance has had me questioning: “Am I now in a relationship?”

Let’s see.  First it started with him picking up my prescriptions at the pharmacy.  I had thought that only spouses or family members could do that.  Then he spent the night and my son jumped in bed with us the next morning and cuddled with us both.  Oh yeah, and he changed his relationship status on Facebook and I had to confirm it.  I do believe the notification read, JL has asked to confirm that you are in a relationship with him.

I confirmed it and then immediately hid that information from my wall.  So his wall says that he is in a relationship with me.  Mine coyly says nothing, yet that doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.  My kids’ godmother friended him on Facebook and wrote on his wall that since he was in a “relationship” with one of her dearest friends, she couldn’t wait to meet him.  Another friend called me on the phone to say that her 14-year-old son had informed her that I was in a new “relationship.”  So, as much as I am trying to downplay that term, everyone else seems to be embracing it.

So why am I hesitating?  Aren’t I this open-hearted woman ready for love?  Isn’t this exactly what I wanted? A man who wants to “show me off on Facebook” (his words) and who takes obvious delight in introducing himself as my boyfriend?

Yes it is, and I am touched by his enthusiasm, big heart, and lack of inhibition.  But it’s just going to take a little getting used to.  I’m a divorcee.  I have dated quite a bit in the last four years.  Those facts are just part of my history and my identity and make me a bit more mindful of the different directions in which romance can go.  I’m not cynical.  In fact, I am quite hopeful and am enjoying every minute of this.  Yet I need some time to let it all sink in.  Perhaps Winnie the Pooh captures it best.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh,” he whispered.

“Yes, Piglet?”

“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

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I know it has been a while since I have posted, and many of you have sweetly contacted me and said that you miss me blogging.  I miss me blogging too.  I’m going to do my best to keep this up, especially since this new relationship has given me so much food for thought.  And I have a great guest post coming up that I have been meaning to post for over a month, so stay tuned…