How Did I Get a Peaceful Divorce?

The Peaceful Divorcees

The last two nights friends have told me their horror stories about their exes and how poorly they handled their breakups.  As I listened, I wondered to myself how did I get so lucky to have a peaceful divorce.  I mean…was it luck?  Do I just have an extraordinary ex husband (I’m sure he’d like to think so)?  While he is undoubtedly wonderful, I do believe that they were some strategies that I somewhat unwittingly employed that helped keep us on a peaceful path and away from ugly confrontations with lawyers.

1) I had a clear vision of what I wanted our relationship to be.  He had been my best friend for thirteen years and I was adamant about maintaining our friendship.  I wanted us to continue to be a family that had dinners, went on trips, and shared holidays together.  I imagined us (and still do) with new partners all celebrating together at parties.  Luckily my ex was in agreement about this.  He didn’t want to lose me as a friend either.

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Traveling and Texting

This is my new Match profile pic. What do you think?

You all know the proverbial dangers of drinking and dialing.  You have a cocktail or two, and your perspective changes, not just about the people in front of you, but also about the people in your life, or your past.  So you decide to call them, which can be sweet, hurtful or simply will lead you down an overgrown path that you have no hope of clearing.

When I was in California, I found myself waxing a bit rhapsodic for several men from my past.  First it was my ex hubby, who you might remember was feeling nostalgic himself right before we left on our trip.  When I talk to him on the phone in Cali, he is so funny, tender and loving, and I don’t have to deal with anything concrete with him.  So it seems like so much fun.  One day we Skyped him and I felt like I was looking at him with new eyes.  When he smiles and is relaxed, he is so damned handsome, as many women pointed out to me after we broke up (which I thought was strange, why tell me then?).

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Fifty Percent Californian

Jonan and his cousin Paxton on Fourth of July

As we were driving to the airport to leave San Jose, I saw a license plate frame that said 100% Californian.  Well, I used to be that, but after fifteen years on the East Coast, I have to admit that I am now only fifty percent Californian.  Oh but what an important half of my identity and history it is.  Jonah proudly identifies himself as half Californian and half Puerto Rican.

As synchronicity would have it, one of my favorite blogs, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, did a piece yesterday on happy memories of a place associated with your grandparents.  As I look back on the five weeks that we have spent in California, I can’t help but think about what great memories my kids are forming of their grandparents.  My ex says that this is why he selflessly agrees to have me bring Jonah and Layla here for so long (even though he misses them terribly).  He knows how much they adore their Papa Bear and Po and what a great time they have here.

Here are some of the highlights of the trip and the memories that will live on in my kids’ minds.

Me at the drum circle with Layla in the foreground.

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Letting Things Go

Despite my harmonious relationship with my ex, we still have conflicts, disagreements, and occasionally hurt each other’s feelings.  Just yesterday we butted heads over who would take the kids on Wednesday night.  I am heading home to Northampton after being in California for five weeks and, frankly, I can’t wait to get some time to myself.  Yes, we have had an incredibly fun vacation.  Yes, my family has entertained and cared for the kids.  Yes, I love all the togetherness time, but I am also dying for a break from being a solo parent (my heart goes out to the single moms and dads who don’t have help from a co-parent).

My ex keeps telling me how much he misses Jonah and Layla, so I assumed (never assume, never assume) that he would want to have them our first night back in town even though it’s not his usual night.  So I made plans with a girl friend to go to yoga and then to her house afterwards.  I mentioned this to my ex on the phone the next time we talked (in the midst of Chinatown while waiting for a cable car and with a dragon parade in the background, perhaps not the best venue for this), and he said, sure they can stay with me…after yoga (did I mention that he goes to my yoga studio too?  There are a few stories there.)  So I got a little pissy about the fact that he has had five weeks free of parental duties and thought couldn’t he miss yoga this one time.  He said we’ll talk about it later. Read the rest of this entry »

Teach Your Children Well

The kids were fighting in the back seat of the car today, not a common occurrence but one that nevertheless elicits an inner groan from me.  Before I could say anything, however, Layla sweetly changed her tone of voice and said to Jonah, “I’m sorry that I smacked you with my shoe.”  Then she leaned over and started kissing his ear, her favorite body part on everyone.  So the admonishment that I was working up to turned to praise, as I quickly commended her for changing her attitude and asking for forgiveness.  This little moment filled me with immense appreciation and love for these two kids of mine that, on the whole, treat each other with such affection and respect.

When we were alone later, I asked her where she had learned to do that.  I had first assumed that she had been taught that at school while playing with other kids.  No, she said.  My mind examined other options, one of which was had she seen my ex and me apologize to one another?  I couldn’t possibly remember all the conversations that she has overheard from us, but I did hold out hope.

We’ll of course never know what our kids would have been like had we not broken up.  However, I do know what they are like now, and frankly, they are doing great.  Jonah is a very thoughtful and intuitive boy, who seems to naturally understand what motivates people to do the things they do.  He also is easy going and flexible and gets along with most people.  Layla, as I have mentioned, is much moodier yet has a sweetness about her that seems to charm even the most inveterate grumps.  Her smile lights up her face, and a room.

I am careful not to identify too closely with my children or accept too much credit, or blame, for their actions.  I tend to believe the Kahlil Gibran saying that children are not part of you but instead come through you.  They are their own people.  Yet I cannot help but experience a sense of pride at seeing how well my kids get along with each other and others, how they express deep love not only for their immediate family but for countless friends and adopted family as well, and how they seem to understand that conflict and anger are natural parts of life that can be quelled with the right attitude.  Despite our previous times of tension, I believe that with our peaceful divorce and ongoing friendship my ex and I have maybe, just maybe, been positive role models.