A Proper Apology

Jon and I have a new term that we have been using: “second time around.”  It is a play on one of the lines that I put in my online dating profile that I like a man as I like my clothes: stylish, gently used, and previously loved.  It is also the name of a vintage clothing store chain in Boston where he recently bought me a little, black skirt.

As divorcees with kids, Jon and I are both conscious of the fact that we are experiencing love for the second time around.  There are both pros and cons to this, as we certainly don’t have the blind, innocent infatuation that we did the first time around.  However, the self-knowledge that comes from the introspection that we both did after our marriages fell apart is, frankly, priceless.

We are both aware that we want to do things differently and better, obviously, and as a result, comparisons to our previous spouses are somewhat inevitable.  Such a comparison came this week, when we had a little bump in the road, and fortunately for me, Jon came out smelling like roses.  The conflict arose after we returned from our Thanksgiving road trip in which we traveled to Philadelphia, New York City and Vermont, where I got to meet two of his three brothers and his ex-wife.  It was wonderful trip, so good that I didn’t blog about it because it would be too saccharine for my style.  You all know that I like a good conflict to overcome and learn from, and, well, I got one.

I won’t go into the details of the fight (something has to be private, right?).  Suffice it to say that we returned from this really great trip where we got to experience some wonderful intimacy, and on Monday morning, Jon mentions to me this really petty thing that I do that, well, annoys him… a lot.  And it’s something that I can’t easily change.  He brought it up because in his version of second time around, he is trying to be more honest and deal with conflict more openly instead of stuffing things inside where they might fester and explode.  Ironically, though, my marriage taught me the opposite because I felt like I told my ex too many things that bothered me about him, thereby hurting his feelings.  Since then, I have been trying to let more small things go and appreciate Jon, instead of discussing issues to death.

In a nutshell, Jon was trying to do what he thought was best for our relationship, but I felt judged and hurt, and it made me retreat and close up my heart a little.  However, Jon handled the situation really well.  He apologized profusely for hurting me and acknowledged that it was his issue.  Then he sent me a dozen roses the next day.

I was really touched by this gesture and by his attitude in general.  In the past (here comes the comparison), I felt like my ex never really apologized when he did things that hurt me.  He would say that he was sorry, but there was always a caveat attached to it.  There was usually a justification about how it was really me who brought the issue on.  To be fair, I’m sure he would say that I did the same thing.  Yet from where I stand here and now, post-divorce, the second time around, I am extremely appreciative that Jon was able to give me a pure and unadulterated apology.

The conflict, which at first made me question our compatibility, in the end brought us closer.  Not only was I impressed with his ability to make amends, but I also felt even more intimate with him.  I allowed him to see some of my vulnerability and insecurity, and he accepted me nonetheless.  Dealing with our tension also forced me to admit that he is a man worth fighting with, and for (sorry for the dangling prepositions, Jon.)

In short, I learned that sometimes a little bump in the road makes you appreciate the smooth ride afterward.

The Words I Speak

“Three words that became hard to

say: I and love and you”

Love isn’t always the dominant emotion

I feel when dealing with him

Oh I understand anger, even rage

When I find myself resenting him

Loving words are difficult to speak

Yet they also hold some magic

Not enough to preserve our marriage

But enough to save our family

The words I speak do not

Convince him yet they influence me

That underneath it all, love persists

“I love you”

Just say it.

* * * * * *
Melissa at Six Word Fridays asked us to “speak.”  Words are powerful things.  I must choose them wisely.

Making Love Bloom

The secret to my peaceful divorce?

We never stopped loving one another

Maybe we got lucky that way

Love often seems abstract and ephemeral

Quite difficult to find for many

Love isn’t something you fall into

Like a pothole in the road

It takes steady cultivation and dedication

Like the care of seedling plants

People are not always so lovable

Their actions can anger or hurt

Yet if we stop judging them

And appreciate their tender inner beings

We often find love blooming brightly.

* * * * *

Melissa wanted to know what love is.  This is my take, for today.  I love you all, my readers and fellow bloggers.  I just wanted you to know that.

Loving What Is

There are so many ways life

Can go, so many different paths

What if we had not divorced

What if we were still together

I do not entertain those thoughts

Those outcomes don’t belong to me

I am walking along my path

The one that was given me

The one that I somehow created

Sometimes we have to give up

The life that we previously planned

In order to enjoy the life

That is right here and now

I appreciate a hydrangea without asking

What if she were a rose.

* * * * *

Melissa at Six Word Fridays asked “What if?” and I responded.

Lessons Learned from My Divorce

Photo by Lisa Echevarria

Recently I read a really satisfying article on divorce yesterday in the New York Times’ Modern Love column cheekily titled “Let’s Get a Little Divorced.”  The author, Rachel Zucker, a woman who has been married for over thirteen years, wrote about the ways in which her parents’ and her friends’ divorces have shaped her vision of her own marriage.  As she watched many of her friends blossom and find real happiness after their divorces, she asked herself whether there were some positive lessons from divorce that she and her husband could incorporate into their own marriage.  I loved the article because not only did she point out some real benefits from divorce but she also bucked the notion that divorce is contagious and instead decided to be inspired by others’ divorces to make her own marriage better.

In discussing this article with one of my divorced friends, I learned that he really couldn’t articulate the benefits of his own divorce.  I asked him to make a list of the ways in which his life was better, and he was a bit stumped.  So, in part to help him find his own list, I am making one of my own, a sort of gratitude list of the positive lessons that I have learned through my own breakup.

• I am now more appreciative of my ex husband. When we were living together, things had gotten really tense.  We were certainly no longer enjoying each other’s company and were often engaged in vocal disagreements.  Now, with the distance, I am able to appreciate the ways in which he is a great father to our kids and a loving friend to me.  I am so happy to be able to enjoy spending time with him again and for us to have peaceful interactions. Read the rest of this entry »