Field Notes on a Child of Divorce: My Son Gets It

Jonah, deep in thought, with his Egyptian headdress

Jonah and I have started a summer ritual of reading the Harry Potter novels together.  It’s become our thing, and we’ve never really had a thing before.  One of the most endearing (and also exasperating) parts of this ritual is Jonah’s non-stop analysis of the book.  I know my friends right now are simply laughing at me.  What did I expect when his two parents have doctorates in literature?

Yesterday we were reading the fourth volume The Goblet of Fire.  Harry and his best friend Ron are mad at each other over issues of trust and are not speaking to each other, although they clearly miss one another.  Ron is really the first person in Harry’s life that he has been able to count on.  So as we are reading yet another scene where they have a chance to make up but simply get more pissed off, Jonah says to me, I think Ron and Harry still really have love in their hearts for each other even though they are fighting.  I was stopped dead in my tracks because I realized in that moment, He gets it.  He understands that conflict doesn’t have to destroy love.

Jonah has always been a psychologically savvy boy.  He has told me a few times that he doesn’t understand why some people have a hard time getting along with others because he learned that in pre-school (with the presumption, Didn’t everyone learn that too?).  He always asks me about people’s motivations and wants to hear stories about everyone in my life.  When his dad was moving out of our house, he asked him why.  My ex took a deep breath to contemplate his response.  Before he could even reply, Jonah said, It’s so that you don’t get mad at Mama anymore, isn’t it?  That pretty much summed it up.  And that was all the explanation he needed.  He got it.

When I wrote the article about my ex losing his license and being grumpy and tense for a day, my friend Sarah, who has a beautiful parenting blog, asked me a poignant question.  Do I feel like I am leaving my kids vulnerable to my ex’s bad moods?  That was certainly something that I asked myself.

We have talked about my ex’s temper and what they do when it flares up.  They know that it is never their fault because that is just part of his personality.  They have learned to ignore him and find other activities to do until he calms down.  In a nutshell, they have learned to love someone even when that person seems unlovable.  They have learned not to take another person’s actions personally.  And they have learned that with enough patience, their adored father will return to his loving tender self.

The interesting answer, then to Sarah’s question, is that having to deal with their father’s moods (or by extension their parents’ breakup) has left them anything but vulnerable.  Instead it has empowered them to deal at an early age with some of life’s inevitable realities.  We all have our complexities and idiosyncrasies, but if we learn to accept others as they are, we can appreciate their wonderful characteristics as well.  People aren’t always easy to get along with, but we can love them anyway.

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Has there ever been a time when your children learned something important from a difficult situation?

Do you have any childhood memories of someone who was challenging yet instructive at the same time?

If you are a child of divorce, did you learn anything positive from your parents’ breakup or marital conflict?

Being a Family After Divorce

We took the kids trick or treating together last Halloween.

Last night I was having dinner with two divorcées and we were talking about our weeks.  As I gave them the run down I realized that I had spent a lot of time with my ex this week.  Then, ironically, he showed up to pick up our son, and my friend invited him to join us for dinner.  He didn’t stay very long, but his mere presence at social gathering of my friends is indicative of the kind of relationship we have.  We’re not only peaceful.  We are friends.  And, more importantly, we are family.

As I reflect back on the steps that have gotten us to such a place of unity, I decided to make a list of the most important things that divorcées can do to maintain a sense of a nuclear family both for themselves and for the sake of their children.

Put your personal conflicts aside and remember that you both want your kids to thrive.

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Fifty Percent Californian

Jonan and his cousin Paxton on Fourth of July

As we were driving to the airport to leave San Jose, I saw a license plate frame that said 100% Californian.  Well, I used to be that, but after fifteen years on the East Coast, I have to admit that I am now only fifty percent Californian.  Oh but what an important half of my identity and history it is.  Jonah proudly identifies himself as half Californian and half Puerto Rican.

As synchronicity would have it, one of my favorite blogs, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, did a piece yesterday on happy memories of a place associated with your grandparents.  As I look back on the five weeks that we have spent in California, I can’t help but think about what great memories my kids are forming of their grandparents.  My ex says that this is why he selflessly agrees to have me bring Jonah and Layla here for so long (even though he misses them terribly).  He knows how much they adore their Papa Bear and Po and what a great time they have here.

Here are some of the highlights of the trip and the memories that will live on in my kids’ minds.

Me at the drum circle with Layla in the foreground.

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Letting Things Go

Despite my harmonious relationship with my ex, we still have conflicts, disagreements, and occasionally hurt each other’s feelings.  Just yesterday we butted heads over who would take the kids on Wednesday night.  I am heading home to Northampton after being in California for five weeks and, frankly, I can’t wait to get some time to myself.  Yes, we have had an incredibly fun vacation.  Yes, my family has entertained and cared for the kids.  Yes, I love all the togetherness time, but I am also dying for a break from being a solo parent (my heart goes out to the single moms and dads who don’t have help from a co-parent).

My ex keeps telling me how much he misses Jonah and Layla, so I assumed (never assume, never assume) that he would want to have them our first night back in town even though it’s not his usual night.  So I made plans with a girl friend to go to yoga and then to her house afterwards.  I mentioned this to my ex on the phone the next time we talked (in the midst of Chinatown while waiting for a cable car and with a dragon parade in the background, perhaps not the best venue for this), and he said, sure they can stay with me…after yoga (did I mention that he goes to my yoga studio too?  There are a few stories there.)  So I got a little pissy about the fact that he has had five weeks free of parental duties and thought couldn’t he miss yoga this one time.  He said we’ll talk about it later. Read the rest of this entry »

Teach Your Children Well

The kids were fighting in the back seat of the car today, not a common occurrence but one that nevertheless elicits an inner groan from me.  Before I could say anything, however, Layla sweetly changed her tone of voice and said to Jonah, “I’m sorry that I smacked you with my shoe.”  Then she leaned over and started kissing his ear, her favorite body part on everyone.  So the admonishment that I was working up to turned to praise, as I quickly commended her for changing her attitude and asking for forgiveness.  This little moment filled me with immense appreciation and love for these two kids of mine that, on the whole, treat each other with such affection and respect.

When we were alone later, I asked her where she had learned to do that.  I had first assumed that she had been taught that at school while playing with other kids.  No, she said.  My mind examined other options, one of which was had she seen my ex and me apologize to one another?  I couldn’t possibly remember all the conversations that she has overheard from us, but I did hold out hope.

We’ll of course never know what our kids would have been like had we not broken up.  However, I do know what they are like now, and frankly, they are doing great.  Jonah is a very thoughtful and intuitive boy, who seems to naturally understand what motivates people to do the things they do.  He also is easy going and flexible and gets along with most people.  Layla, as I have mentioned, is much moodier yet has a sweetness about her that seems to charm even the most inveterate grumps.  Her smile lights up her face, and a room.

I am careful not to identify too closely with my children or accept too much credit, or blame, for their actions.  I tend to believe the Kahlil Gibran saying that children are not part of you but instead come through you.  They are their own people.  Yet I cannot help but experience a sense of pride at seeing how well my kids get along with each other and others, how they express deep love not only for their immediate family but for countless friends and adopted family as well, and how they seem to understand that conflict and anger are natural parts of life that can be quelled with the right attitude.  Despite our previous times of tension, I believe that with our peaceful divorce and ongoing friendship my ex and I have maybe, just maybe, been positive role models.