Model Exes: Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen

I usually find the magazines in the supermarket checkout so depressing.  In fact, now that I think about it, that may be one of the things I like best about Whole Foods and River Valley Market.  They don’t peddle garbage to you as you are trying to leave.

However, today I was behind someone slow at Stop n Shop and saw an article in People magazine that grabbed my attention.  Valerie Bertinelli got remarried recently, and her famous ex husband Eddie Van Halen was in attendance.  Bertinelli and Van Halen wed in 1981, when I was fourteen, and it made an impression on my young adolescent mind.  As the years passed, and they outlasted all expectations, I was actually happy that they beat the odds.  But like many long-term Hollywood marriages, like Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, theirs did not last.  Marriage is difficult under so-called normal circumstances, it would seem damned near impossible for people who have a constant stream of attractive admirers offering themselves up.

Now that I seem to have morphed into the new role of peaceful divorcee, my impressionable middle-aged mind looks around for signs of happy divorced couples that are still friendly and doing a good job of co-parenting together.  I know that it is a bit quixotic to look to celebrities for role models, but the truth is that they do get a lot of our society’s attention.  I have been disappointed in the way that the Huffington Post has reported celebrity break ups (usually train wrecks).

Call me an optimist, but when I read about Elizabeth Edwards’ death and heard that John was with her at the end, I imagined peace.  I imagined forgiveness.  I imagined nothing but the expression of love, for the family that they created, and for each other.  None of us will probably know what when on in that room, but that’s my vision of it.

So I was delighted to see that Bertinelli and Van Halen are still good friends.  People reported that Van Halen and his new wife were guests at the small wedding, and there are photos of the bridegroom hugging the ex-husband.  I couldn’t help but feel my heart melt a bit at that photo (you’ll have to check out the magazine to see it because it’s not on-line).  It was a genuine expression of affection and happiness over his ex-wife’s new union.  Who knew that I would turn to Eddie Van Halen as a role model?  Maybe he hasn’t handled everything in his life the way I would, but he seems to have handled his divorced life well.

That’s how I envision my future: my ex and I happy for each others’ successes and pleased that we have found other partners, having extended family celebrations together, maybe even attending each others’ weddings.  It certainly takes time to get there, but I feel like we have come to a place where we could do that.  Already I have come to see that his current girlfriend is both great for him and the kids (a future post in the making).  So here’s to deep and loyal friendship after divorce.  If two celebrities with high pressure lives can do it, so can anyone.

Sustainable Marriage, Sustainable Divorce

In yesterday’s New York Times, Tara Parker-Pope published a sustainable marriage quiz that posited some very thought-provoking questions about how much your partner expands your knowledge and makes you feel like a better person.  I was particularly interested in this quiz because I recently speculated that my own parents’ marriage has lasted 49 years because they have continually helped each other learn and grow.  Since my divorce, I feel like I am a student of marriage, as I continue to ask myself why my own union didn’t last in the hopes of making better relationship decisions in the future. Read the rest of this entry »

How Did I End Up Divorced?

Yesterday I posted about the inspiring longevity of my parents’ marriage and received admiring comments from some of my divorced friends, Michele, T, MomZombie, and AAC.  As I read them, I wondered if they, like me, felt just a twinge of sadness at their inability to hit similar marital milestones.  I suppose that every couple that gets married assumes that they will stay together forever.  However, with my parents as role models, I was especially convinced that I had all the ingredients and tools for a lasting union. Read the rest of this entry »

49 Years

Aren't my parents a dishy couple?

They met in 1961.

On a blind date.

While she was pinned to someone else.

That guy was soon forgotten,

As she agreed to marry my dad a few days later.

My Oma dropped a plate in surprise.

Then my mom took off for Europe for three months,

And they were married after Christmas.

A romantic, yet impulsive, beginning.

Throughout the years,

They have had their conflicts.

No doubt.

But they always work them out,

And neither of them holds grudges,

Nor takes the fights too seriously.

Their secret?

It’s not passion, nor values, nor their kids, nor sheer dedication,

Although they’ve had them all.

Mom says theirs is a spiritual union.

That doesn’t mean they’re united in God’s eyes,

And thus will be forever connected.

It means that they continue to help each other grow and learn.

And that’s an excitement that never gets old.

* * * * * * * *

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.  Your relationship is an inspiration to everyone who knows you.  I love you both very much.

Do any of you have any marital secrets you’d like to share?  I’d love to know them…

Happy Election Night

I had forgotten what today was.  I voted of course.  My Facebook friends reminded me to do that (you’ve got to love the social media).  No, I had forgotten something of arguably greater importance in my personal life until my ex texted me and said “Happy Election Night! xoxo”

He and I went out on our very first date on election night, 1994.   I had just started graduate school but had been working previously on political campaigns in California so I was invested in the outcome.  I had noticed that my ex had been the last person to leave my party on the prior Saturday night so I thought he might be interested in joining me to watch election returns.  In addition, he was the only grad student I knew that I thought would actually take time off from studying on a Tuesday night.

Sure enough he accepted.  We had beers at the Anchor in New Haven and then went back to my house and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to hear the returns from the West Coast.  It was a bad night to be a Democrat as Bill Clinton’s party lost their majority to Newt Gingrich’s Contract with America.  But it was a good night to be me because I connected with the man that would be my husband and the father of my two beautiful children Jonah Gabriel and Layla Esperanza.

A girl never forgets her first true love.  I am glad that, despite our differences, bitterness has not hardened our hearts and that we can fondly remember the beginning of something really big in our lives.  Yes, divorce is disappointing, but it shouldn’t make us forget the love that once existed.