My First Thanksgiving Without the Kids

The kids just left with my ex and his girlfriend.  They are driving to the DC area to see his sister and his mother, who is flying up from Puerto Rico.  This is the first time that Jonah and Layla will see their grandmother and their cousins in about six years.  They were very excited, and I was happy to see that.

However, it must be said that this is going to be my first Thanksgiving without the kids, and I am also feeling sad.  In past years, my ex has come to my house, and we have celebrated as a family.  I love to cook, and the kids’ godparents usually join us.  This year is a departure from that tradition.  Considering how much our lives have changed since my move to Boston, I guess it is a change that makes sense.

As I stood outside the kids’ school waiting to pick them up today, I felt an aching in my heart and a lump in my throat.  Yet, the longer I stood there, the more I realized that I was lucky to be able to pick them up from school like I do because my ex doesn’t do that anymore.  I know that he feels sad to be missing out on that mundane yet also meaningful ritual.  Certainly, there are many parents, married or divorced, that miss key events in their kids’ lives because of their jobs or other responsibilities.  It is hard to make it to everything, and it is literally impossible to be with them for every important moment because some of them have to be experienced without parental involvement.  This thought made me feel better.

I may not get to experience this Thanksgiving dinner with them, but I get to have my own fun.  I am going on a road trip with my new boyfriend Jon.  We are heading to Philadelphia tomorrow night to eat a deep-fried turkey with one of his brothers.  His sister-in-law is going to take me to a yoga class with her (clearly my kind of woman).  On Friday we are heading to New York City to pick up Jon’s son, and then we go North to Vermont to eat yet another meal with a different brother.  On Sunday we are swinging back to Northampton to pick up the kids at my ex’s place.  Jonah wants to show Jon and his son his favorite Noho spots, namely Sam’s Pizzeria and GoBerry.  Finally, we return to Newton, hopefully with enough time for Jon to make a fort with the boys, as per Jonah’s request.

I am really excited about these plans.  It’s fun not having to plan and cook a big meal.  It’s fun getting to be someone’s guest and meet new people.  It’s fun to explore new places, even at a whirlwind pace.  And it will be great to be with Jon for one of his favorite pastimes: driving.

As I got a little choked up as the kids left, Layla promised to call me everyday, and Jonah looked me in the eye and said “I know that you will miss us, but you have Jon.”  I think that made him feel better, knowing that I won’t be alone and will be having my fun too.

In divorce, sometimes you just have to admit that you can be both sad and happy.  Sad that you may not be with your kids all the time, sad that you lost a meaningful love relationship, sad at how things have changed.  Yet at the same time, there is much to rejoice in.  In my case, I am happy to be living in a fun new city, happy that I have a great new job that is challenging me in exciting ways, and thrilled that I have started a relationship with a kind, funny, generous, and loving man.  At this holiday of gratitude, I can’t help but acknowledge the momentary sting of my children leaving.  Yet more than anything, I choose to focus on, and give thanks for, the abundant, sweet goodness of my life.

Deposit on a New Life

Paid: a deposit on an adorable

Apartment in Newton: three bedrooms, fireplace

Sunroom with French doors, dining room

Kitchen with plentiful cabinets, good light

Backyard, deck, own laundry in basement

Minutes from the train to work

Walkable to stores and cafes

It’s everything I put on my

Wish list made at a California

Beach last weekend with my sis.

Paid: deposit on a new life

A new school with new friends

One of the state’s best districts

Everything is coming together for us

What excitement we have in store

As our investment bears new fruit.

* * * * * *

Sorry this post is a little late on a Friday.  I was in Boston until late last night but I knew this would be a perfect topic to write about for Melissa’s prompt of paid.

A Fine Line

There is a fine line between

Fear and ecstasy, nausea and exhilaration

A lovely tan and downright burning

Laughter and hysteria, togetherness and smothering

I’ve crossed this line several times

While visiting my family in California

But I’d never do it differently

Because that’s the nature of love.

* * * * *

Melissa wanted to know the bottom line, so I gave it to her.  It was inspired by our trip to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

Sorry I missed you all last week.  I didn’t dare take time away from my family to write a post.

American Toes

Here are our American toes.

Four years ago in July, my sister visited me right after Independence Day, both America’s and my own.  My husband had just moved out of our house and I was feeling sad and confused.  A visit from my sister was exactly what I needed.

She arrived with lots of love, support, inspirational CDs (which actually helped quite a bit) and…laughter.  No one can make me laugh like my sister.  We just get onto a topic and get so goofy that it becomes an unending laugh-a-thon.  One of the reasons that my sister is so funny is that she has a sweet innocence about her that sometimes leads her into comical misunderstandings with people.

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How Divorce Gave Me My Groove Back

Don't I look groovy?

Reading Pamela Paul’s NYT article  “How Divorce Lost Its Groove” made me feel like I had just been kicked out of a club that I didn’t even know I belonged to.  The opening section transported me back four years to the feelings of failure, fear and stress that I felt when my husband announced that he was leaving our marriage.  Many of my friends reported similar reactions of chest tightness and stomach lurches upon reading the article.  One woman said that the article made her rue her divorce and wish that she could have made it work, despite the fact that she is madly in love with a great new guy.  Others said that it reactivated their feelings of shame.

When Paul interviewed me, I mentioned the ways in which my life had improved after divorce, but she was more interested in exploring the supposed newfound conservatism towards divorce amongst college-educated women.  As I read about Susan Gregory Thomas, the Park Slope matron turned Red Hook divorcée, I found myself wanting to know more than just how she was shunned by her married peers.  I wanted to ask her “How do you feel in your new marriage with your new baby?  Don’t you feel joy at having found love again?”  Like my aforementioned friend who is having a great new relationship, divorce can be an opportunity for a second chance at life, whether it be at love, career, parenting or self-actualization.  While divorce may not be viewed among upper-middle class married women as liberating, for those of us in difficult marriages, it can be just that.

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