Memories from my Happy Marriage

I just finished Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking.  I’m not sure why I read it.  Maybe because recently I’ve gone out a few times with a widower.  Maybe because I was curious to see what Didion’s concept of magical thinking was.  Or maybe just because it got great reviews.  What I do know is that I did not read it thinking that it would be a poignant account of a very special marriage.  And I did not read it thinking that it would make me reflect on my own once very special marriage to my ex.

Didion and Dunne were married writers who spent pretty much all of their time together.  They would accompany each other to medical appointments, take regular lunch breaks together, and, of course, read and edit each other’s writing.  They were best friends that practically shared their every thought with one another. Her grief over his passing was obviously to be expected.  What did take me by surprise, though, was how much their marriage reminded me of my own.

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Making Peace With Divorce

The reader comments on my recent Huffington Post article on sons of divorce have been fairly eye opening for me.  I am a bit amazed at the amount of hostility towards divorcees.  Some of these comments come from jilted spouses who are determined to make everyone see that divorcees are uncaring liars who egregiously broke their wedding vows.  Others seem to believe that divorce is the ruination of not only the children involved but also of future generations.  Selfish seems to be the epithet of choice, as ex spouses are excoriated for failing to put their children first.

When I told one of my best friends that I wanted to show people that divorce can be a good thing, she said to me that no one wants to hear that.  I immediately reframed my remarks.  If about half of the population is divorcing anyways, I’d like to let people know that you can find happiness after divorce, that you can maintain loving relations with your ex spouse and that you can also raise happy and well-adjusted children.  Is that such a radical notion?

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How Close is Near?

Questions of proximity plague me recently

Will my ex find work nearby?

Is he close enough to visit?

How long will my commute be?

Why is my family so far?

Physical closeness isn’t a prerequisite to

Feeling intimacy, yet it does foster

A sense of continuity and solidity

I want to see my sister

Laugh, not just hear it virtually

My kids want to roll on

The floor with their dad and

Actually feel his prickly unshaven face

I want to touch a lover’s

Hand and hold him in bed

Not just receive remote text messages

Maybe I am just too possessive

We certainly can’t hold the clouds

Yet we appreciate their downy presence

Our touch ruins a butterfly’s wings

I will never visit the moon

But its constant cycles soothe me

Love flows through my beating heart

Regardless of my loved ones’ location.

And I wonder, still I wonder

How close is near?

* * * * * *

I am glad that Melissa keeps giving me topics to write about on Fridays because I still can’t seem to write too much about what’s going on with me.   I put my house on the market last Friday and a Facebook friend asked why I hadn’t blogged about it.  I will….eventually.  The good news that the house is already under contract.  One step nearer? Perhaps.

Lucky Charms

There once was a farmer whose

Horse ran away and neighbors exclaimed

What bad luck.  Maybe, he said

The next day the horse returned

Bringing two wild horses with him

Such good luck. Maybe, he said

Then his son broke his leg

While taming one of the horses

Definitely bad luck. Maybe, he said

The following day the army came

To recruit young men to fight

In the war. Seeing his broken

Leg they passed on the son.

Such good luck. Maybe, he said

* * *

There have been times when I

Felt charmed like when I met

My beautiful bronzed boy in school

When we divorced? Not so charmed

Yet the farmer’s story shows us

Every event can be both lucky

And unlucky depending on our perspective

I do believe that the only

place we find lucky charms is

on a bright red cereal box.

* * * *

Today’s Six Word Friday prompt is charmed.

I haven’t written in a week because so much is going on, but I promise I will announce all my news soon.

The Wisdom Earned in 44 Years

Today is my forty-fourth birthday, yay!

I stand on the brink of

Major rebirth as I contemplate moving

I don’t know if I want

To do it, but I must

Yet I as I look back

At my life I do realize

That every unwanted event has brought

Unexpectedly wonderful consequences, beautiful gifts even

I didn’t want to leave California

For graduate school, but Yale delivered

Me a cute, sweet, intellectual boy

Who then became my dear husband

I didn’t want to have a

Miscarriage but the change in timing

Produced my charming and debonaire Jonah

I didn’t want to move to

Northampton with no job or friends

Yet I became pregnant with Layla

Eventually found great work, and discovered

The happiest of all valleys (truly!)

I didn’t want to get divorced

Yet it led me to new

Heights of personal satisfaction and happiness

And I became the peaceful divorcee

Harmonious co-parent and a blogger extraordinaire

Time has brought me the wisdom

To know that I will thrive

And that behind the next door

I open stands an exciting future.

* * * * * *

This post on wisdom is brought to you by Six Word Fridays.  Last week I wrote about erasing the past.  This week I write about learning from it.  Luckily I have the wisdom to know that I can pick and choose whatever truth suits me at the moment.

I spent part of my birthday cleaning out my closets and drawers to create some new energetic space in my life.  Luckily I have the wisdom to know that I don’t really need all those clothes :).

For my birthday I gave myself the gift of blogging: I renewed my annual hosting contract so that I can continue to connect with all of you wonderful people.  Thanks for your many contributions to the last year.