Mature Love?

A divorced friend of mine shared a story about the very first time he ever saw his future wife. He saw her cross a room and said to his friend, “That’s the woman I am going to marry.” We both laughed at the story because he told it to me to illustrate a point that we have been discussing lately, namely that we are trying to make more mature romantic decisions in our 40’s than we made in our 20’s.

Many of us have this notion that love comes like the strike of a lightning bolt, out of the blue, with no warning, planning, or preparation, and that we must heed its call. Lightning chooses us. We don’t choose it, and God only knows that it rarely strikes twice. My parents’ ultra romantic story of being set up on a blind date and getting engaged five days later has certainly cemented this idea in my mind. And they made it 50 years so that has to be proof that love at first sight works, right?

Maybe. Maybe not. My dating coach Sheila Paxton tactfully reminded me once that I am no longer in my 20’s. I’m divorced with two kids, a community of friends, decades of life experiences, and an established career. That kind of earth-shattering love might not make the most sense. Furthermore, I’ve done it a few times now, and, well, it hasn’t exactly worked out for the best.

Sheila has been working with me over the past few weeks to make slower, more methodical, and more rational decisions instead of diving in at the first sign of infatuation. As I wrote a few weeks ago, that less fanciful approach at first seemed a little stodgy, even not so fun. Yet, as I am getting the hang of it, it is feeling more and more comfortable, and, frankly, comforting.

Sheila’s parting words to me this week were to make no excuses for the behavior of my dates, emphasizing that I should be mindful about how they treat me and how I feel with them, instead of looking at them as if they were Prince Charming. Her advice reminded me of a blog post I had just read, cleverly titled “Deal or No Deal,” in which a blogger friend MomZombie discussed what might kind of information or situation might be a deal breaker when it comes to the people in our life. In recent months, I have noticed how wonderful I feel in the presence of people who adore me and whom I adore, and I have come to believe that all of my friendships, or romantic relationships, should fill me up like that with love, warmth, and affection. Like MomZombie noted in her piece, some people are just not worth investing time in.

So as I tread lightly and slowly through my new dating landscape, I feel like I am asking myself better questions and making more mature decisions. I’m no longer interested in love at first sight. I’m more focused more on getting to know my dates, what makes them tick, and whether or not they share my core values. I can already tell that I am making better choices.

Lightning is too dangerous anyway.

Anger versus Sadness

There are times when you are sad. There is nothing that you can do about it. A situation really sucks. I know that anger and resentment seem to be the dominant emotions when dealing with divorce.  But underlying it all is usually disappointment.

When you fall in love with someone, when you pledge vows to them, when you share the overwhelming joys of birthing children together, you don’t imagine yourself years later fighting over child custody schedules, support payments, or vacations with the grandparents.  You don’t imagine yourself shuttling kids between two different homes.

When you are in the midst of fighting with your ex, it is hard to see your sadness.  In fact, anger often feels much better because it allows you to take action, to argue logically in favor of your point, and then there’s always the occasional sweetness of victory if you prevail.  Sadness has none of those benefits.  It just rips a whole in your heart.

Nevertheless, today I found some small solace in my sadness.  My ex and I were fighting about (what else?) perceived injustices.  The back and forth was the usual ridiculous and irreconcilable stuff, the Gordian knot of marital dissension, when I realized how pointless it was.  No amount of arguing was going to resolve what is at the root of the matter.

We are both sad that the marriage ended this way.  Although, we may assert that we are better off divorced (which is true), that logic will not erase the disappointment that we feel in our hearts.  The happiness we have discovered in our new paths cannot negate the pain we feel over the dissolution of our marriage, of our unified, one-household family.

We both cried on the phone.  I am still feeling tender and raw right now.  Yet somehow, these emotions feel more humane to me than anger because they allow me to remember the bond between us.  They permit me to see my ex as a caring, sensitive human being, instead of as a stubborn, angry antagonist.  Any time that I am reminded that my kids have a loving person as a father (and that I married a tremendous human being) is valuable, despite the temporary heartbreak that it causes me.

Where Are All the Good Men?

My Facebook friends, most of whom are married, love to read my posts about my online dating experiences: guys with twenty-year-old photos of themselves, guys with chest hair shots, guys with pictures of their motorcycles.  And of course, the often very odd messages that they write (check out the Annals of online dating and you will be laughing for hours).  To me, online dating is a fascinating sociological phenomenon, and it is undoubtedly entertaining.  However, it can also be very tedious.  Just the e-mails back and forth can become a full time job.  Sometimes, I want to meet men the old-fashioned way.  But do any of us know how to do that anymore?

My dating coach Sheila Paxton dedicated one of our recent sessions to this very topic, and she asked me about three potential ways to meet a partner: places (you know, like real live places instead of internet sites), organizations, and personal contacts.  The funny thing was that I was already one step ahead of her on two of those ideas.  A friend of mine had suggested that I meet a friend of hers, and I had announced on Facebook that I was tired of online dating and that I would be donning my new red lipstick (which does seem to be garnering me a lot of attention) and heading out to bars to meet men.

So the following week, I put two of the three strategies in motion (I still haven’t explored the Meetup groups that she suggested).  Instead of a bar, I first headed to a café in Cambridge, where there seem to be a lot of single men (maybe they are affiliated with the universities, high-tech companies or whatnot).  When I walked in, I noticed a handsome man right away, and he just happened to be occupying two tables when all the other tables were full.  So I had the perfect excuse to approach him and ask him if I could use his other table.  We got chatting, about his eyeglasses and whether or not he would change his prescription.  Hmm…middle age can be sexy, but a conversation about the need for reading glasses?  Not so scintillating.

He left, and another attractive grey-haired man walked in and sat right behind me and started reading.  I wanted to make eye contact with him, but it was impossible to do so without eyes in the back of my head.  I considered blowing it off, but then I remembered the action plan that Sheila had me make, and I reminded myself that I had nothing to lose.  So I asked him if he knew if there was a wine store nearby.  It turned out that he wasn’t from the area and couldn’t speak very good English, so that conversation never took off.

As I left, I asked the baristas if they knew of a wine store and a really nice woman smiled brightly at me and told me that the market next door sold beer and wine.  It reminded me of the article that I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how I have met many of my best friends in public places.  If I hadn’t been obviously on my way out, I would have stopped and chatted with her because she seemed great.  While the whole exchange didn’t get me a date, I was proud of myself for putting my plan into action, and I reminded myself not to get discouraged right out of the gate.  In fact, I felt empowered for just having done it.

A friend of mine recently told me that she once saw a guy who looked really interesting in a café, and that she wrote him a note saying that she thought he was cute and gave him her name and number.  Sure enough, the guy called her and they went out on a date.  Unfortunately, they were of very different political persuasions, but I certainly admired her pluck.  This week a friend of mine shared with me a photo of a business card that read “Hello.  I would just like to inform you that I find you to be very attractive.  Thank you and have a nice day.”  I loved this idea and just might print some up and try them out.  At the very least, it would make a good story.

This week, I also had a date with a man that my friend set me up with.  Now, I must admit that I have long been a fan of match-making.  In fact, I set my sister up with her now husband back in 1991.  My friend showed me the man’s profile on Facebook (I guess that would be de rigeur these days), and I noticed that we had a friend in common.  Both of my friends said the same thing about him, that he is very smart and very funny, and that at the very least, we would enjoy each other’s company.  So he and I met one night for drinks (while my adorable friend babysat!) and had a really great time.  All I will say is that we are going to see each other again.

So, I like the idea of getting away from the online dating pool, which can wear on you after a while, and trying some new approaches.  When you meet someone in person, it is so much easier to know if you like them.  It is also just fun to try new things.  I had to push myself out of my comfort zone to try to make these connections.  I went to the café when I really just wanted to go back to the comfort of my home.  I had to stay up late to talk to this guy on the phone, as he suggested (you’d be surprised how hard it is for my to find phone times when I have the kids).  I accepted my friend’s offer to babysit on a weeknight.  I had to do things a little differently, and as far as I am concerned, they have paid off greatly.  As I told my sister today, a change of routine always gives me energy and excitement.  And of course, I am planting seeds that just may bloom in the not too distant future.  As Sheila says, it is all practice.

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So, friends, do any of you have any good stories about how you met your partners or any ideas about where to meet good men?  I’d love to hear them.

Making Progress

Sometimes dating feels like that saying “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.”  A few weeks ago, I shared with you that my relationship coach Sheila Paxton wants me to approach dating as if I were collecting data, in an objective and dispassionate way, in order to make an informed decision about the men that I am seeing.  This week I told her that the data that I have collected has disappointed me, as I discovered that the men that I have had a date or two with do not have all of the qualities that I need to make a relationship work.  In other words, I felt like I went from a few exciting possibilities to seemingly nothing.  A bummer, no?

No.  Sheila reframed it really well for me.  She said that I was making progress because I was screening men out really quickly instead of spending a few months dating them and then having to end the relationship.  Instead of being discouraged, she said that I should be excited because I am doing things differently and would therefore get different results.  She used the analogy of a housefly that obsessively smashes itself into a window screen (until it dies) trying to get out because it doesn’t know any better.   By learning to become more discerning (not pickier because that has a negative connotation), she says that I will make better choices and eventually won’t be drawing men to me that fit my past patterns.

However, I’ll admit to you what I confessed to her.  I do have doubts sometimes that I will find a man that has all the qualities that I am looking for, and that I fear that if I follow her advice I will just end up a spinster, missing out on opportunities to date fun guys who don’t have it all, but whom I do enjoy.  Her response was to remind me to look back at what happened when I compromised my values.  Didn’t I get eventually get hurt or hurt someone else?

I thought that was a great answer.  However, when I did go back and take inventory of my past relationships, I found that I mainly remembered the positive aspects of each one, even with my marriage.  My sister and I have always said that we have inherited from our father the ability to forget past wounds and that it has served us really well in life.  However, right now, I need to learn from my past mistakes.  I need to remember how it felt to be in a relationship that isn’t working.

So I had to force myself to take a cold, hard look, as it were, at the times in which those relationships hurt me, disappointed me, or made me feel sad.  When I was finally able to do that, I was better able to see what she meant about the downside of being with someone who just doesn’t share your same values.  And I was finally able to admit that she was right when she said that I am better off alone that being with someone who is wrong for me.

Sheila asked me trust the process that she is teaching me.  That reminded me of what my yoga teacher had said to us about staying coachable and keep practicing.  I realize that at times it takes a leap of faith to try something new.  However, I can already feel that my thought processes and my desires are changing.  What is it that my yoga teacher says?  When you stretch a wet towel it will never return to its original dimensions (isn’t that why the instructions say don’t wring?).  Well, I guess I’d rather be a stretched towel than a dead housefly.

The Right Choice

Last summer a sweet man came to my door peddling magazines to finance his college education, and I couldn’t resist, even though nothing really appealed to me.  I rebuffed my son’s requests to get Car and Driver or Men’s Health and opted instead for Psychology Today.  When the first issue arrived, the cover story was “Are You With the Right Mate?,” and I knew that I had made the right choice, in magazines at least.

Based on the knowledge and experience that I had in my twenties, I also made the right choice when I married my husband.  Now, however, I have new experiences and knowledge of myself that have taught me that I need to make a different decision when opting for a romantic partner.  Making such a decision was the topic of this week’s relationship coaching session with Sheila Paxton, as she had me complete a Values Inventory to assess what are the ten qualities that I feel that I need in a future partner.

Unlike other dating coaches, such as Evan Marc Katz who emphasize how a woman needs to modify herself and her expectations in order to find a mate, Sheila seems to give women (and men!) more agency by taking the approach that each of us is a chooser that needs to be more intentional about the partners that we opt to get involved with.  By focusing on the personal characteristics that I find to be essential in a mate, I should be able to see more quickly when I am becoming interested in someone who just has different values than I do.

I love how this takes away the element of judgment, and simply emphasizes the fact that two people need to have compatible values.  It also moves the process away from the somewhat cliché notion that partners must have common interests, like skiing or yoga.  My ex and I couldn’t have had more interests in common, yet we broke up.

For example, I have made no secret of the fact that I would love to find a man who practices yoga like I do, but is that really a deal breaker?  What is behind that desire?  Sure, it would be fun to take class together, but really what I want is a man who prioritizes stress management and personal growth, a man that finds a way to be upbeat and optimistic regardless of external factors.  Clearly, however, yoga is not the only way to achieve those goals.  That could come from a variety of sources, such as meditation, martial arts, outdoor activities, spiritual pursuits, or music, to name a few.

Now that I have articulated this list of top priorities in a relationship, I feel better equipped to make dating decisions, whether it be to write a guy back on OkCupid, have another date, or pursue an exclusive relationship.  Some of the qualities obviously may take months to assess, such as how skilled a man is at open communication when conflict arises, yet others, such as optimism, sense of fun, or attentiveness can be determined relatively quickly.

Online dating can be very time-consuming and fatiguing.  Knowing what I truly want and need in a partnership saves me time and anguish, as it streamlines the decision-making process and will hopefully keep me from going down fruitless paths.  And it also eliminates the doubts that I often plague me when I ask myself whether I have been too picky.  There is one man that I dated that I often look back at wistfully, wondering what could have been.  While discussing my list of core values with my dear friend Jane, I asked her if she thought that man was optimistic (at the very top of my list!).  She was quick to respond negatively (I knew that!).  No more Monday-morning quarterbacking for me.

Each week, when I get off the phone with Sheila, I realize that I feel a sense of optimism and empowerment that gives me the enthusiasm to continue dating.  That is certainly important to me because I hate doing anything that isn’t fun.  And I am excited that I am developing the skills to know how to choose the right mate, for me.