Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Posted: September 26th, 2010 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges, happiness | Tags: being right, hafiz, happiness, yoga | 9 Comments »
During this Friday’s family night dinner, my ex and I had an altercation. He said something that I thought was demeaning to Jonah, and so I said something that he perceived was demeaning to him. It was a classic scenario of old, where we both reacted (overreacted?) to each other’s comments too quickly and interpreted them to have malicious intent. In addition, what I had said was true. It was something that I have been frustrated about, and it was true. I was right. Even my friend Tobey, who very rarely takes my side of any argument, said to me a week or so ago that I had every right to feel frustrated about this particular issue. Damn, in this case, it was so clear that I had truth and justice on my side. I bet I could have started a Facebook group about this and gotten a thousand “likes” in twenty-four hours. That’s how right I was.
Unfortunately, though, this wasn’t an argument that I was going to win. Being right was just a bitter pill. Trying to get him to see my point of view was just further polarizing the issue and leading us down an overgrown path that we both know is never, ever going to be cleared, no matter how many back hoes we run into it.
In the moment, I attempted to de-escalate the fight so that we could go back to playing our family game Apples to Apples, but he was too angry to continue. I went to bed that night still holding onto the disagreement, which is really rare for me these days. I couldn’t seem to shake my desire for him to apologize, to admit that he was wrong. The next morning, even, it was gnawing at me, yet the thing that was most frustrating of all was that I knew that there was nothing to be gained from it. I knew that the only way to deal with the situation was to drop it, yet my ego kept screaming, But you are right!!
It was a perfect lesson in the making. I tried calling my sister but she didn’t answer so I sat down to read the Yoga Journal. I really don’t like this magazine but I receive it free for having attended a workshop at Kripalu last year. The photos of the serene yogis and yoginis, the articles on meditation, the yoga-themed ads for products I would never purchase (like a large sauna for your house where you can practice hot yoga) were bland and soothing enough to get my mind off my anger and to get me breathing again.
Eventually the day took over and I got busy with the kids and felt fine again. However, it reminded me of the saying that I have heard somewhere “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” I think my therapist friend Sarah Getoff gives talks with a similar title “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” Either way, it is a powerful question. Usually my desire to be right is not going to bring me happiness. Especially with my ex, my arguments to demonstrate that I am right usually run counter to the peace of our relationship.
This truth was brought to my attention yesterday morning as well in my friend Jenn’s beautiful blog “Rock Star Co-Parenting” where she was interviewing a wonderful divorced couple who formed a group called Co-Parenting 101, that educates divorced parents on how to best interact for the sake of the children. Jenn asked them both if co-parenting was really as easy as they make it look and they both admitted that no, it took time. Mike said something in response that really hit home for me: ‘Most of all, the needs of my children forced perspective on me. If I wanted to achieve my goals for them, I had to set aside past hurts and give up my “right” to act on those hurts.’ That word right, here used as a noun, as a privilege that is due to us, as a principle of justice, once again stood out. Sure, we may have the “right” to be angry or hurt or even demand justice, but sometimes that right is best forfeited in the name of a higher truth, such as getting along with your kids and your former spouse so that you can have a peaceful post-divorce familial relationship.
Aah, it feels good just writing about this. I would rather be happy than be right. I would rather have our kids see us get along than argue my case in front of them. I would rather enjoy my ex’s company for family dinners and count him amongst my friends than act upon our past grievances or attempt to have justice served. Justice is nothing compared to a happy, healthy family dynamic.
So, now it’s your turn. Fess up. Are there times where you want to be right more than anything else? Does being right make you happy? And, have you ever forgone your need to be right in order to achieve a higher goal? How did it turn out?
I want to end with a beautiful quote that I heard in yoga today. It’s from a Sufi poet Hafiz and it aptly expresses the kind of love that I aspire to.
Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe Me.”
Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky.
For me this summer–I have learned that it is not about “winning”, it is about the battle.No matter how big or small our confrontations, disappointments, or debates, it isn’t about winning. It is about finding peace. In truth, no one can give us that peace. It comes from within. At the end of the day, as long as you know, you can live with your decision, your reaction, that is all that matters. We make our happiness, our peace. It comes from within…
Very wise words.
I totally get that divorce is supposed to be an end to all the issues a couple had when married. By being divorced you are saying you no longer choose to work on these issues. So to give up debating the issue that never gets resolved was easy for me. What I find difficult is the addressing the stuff my ex currently does. In your story you were responding to a rude comment your spouse made to someone (He must be my ex’s brother…though my ex wouldn’t have the guts to say it to his face). My ex is an alcoholic. I am over what or have let go of what was in the past. Unfortunately, he continues to do things (or doesn’t do things) because his life is ruled by alcohol. I feel like now that we are divorced I have to be especially forgiving and nice and certainly not say a negative word in front of my children. When we were married something I said about my spouse was not taken personally by my children. If I say something negative now, I am criticizing them. It’s as if I’m attacking them personally. Even if I say something with a negative tone it’s perceived as a criticism. Eeek. Divorce has forced me to be nicer and more forgiving than I might have been. I definitely have to vent though. I often cannot address issues with my ex because he is unavailable or won’t answer my messages if he doesnt like the topic, so it leaves me fustrated and vowing to leave him out of the picture. Most of the time he doesn’t mind this, but occasionally he has a moment of clarity and wonders “why this” or “why that?” Parallel parenting is more what our arrangement is.
Michele-
I don’t think that divorce is an end to all the issues the couple had. It just forces me to deal with them differently. In my case, I believe that I am dealing with them better now because I am letting fights go that I used to keep alive. And of course, the distance helps.
You say that “divorce has forced me to be nicer and more forgiving than I might have been.” I absolutely agree and I think that is a big plus! I am proud of being nicer and more forgiving and in fact I have tried to cultivate that in all my other relationships as well.
This was a very lovely post, and sums up a lot of how I chose to work with my ex-husband. Not so much about co-parenting, because – luckily – we are very likeminded and very good at compromise there. But far more about letting go of our past relationship. I could get outrageously indignant about the wrongs I suffered – and so could he – and the temptation to embed myself in what I feel was right, and then HAVING the right to use that pain as a weapon – would have derailed the very friendly, loving relationship we have now where my son lives so beautifully.
But, oh that’s a hard thing to let go of!
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This is true for so many relationships! Think of how many people stay angry at their parents for the wrongs they committed. It’s a hard task not to get indignant, but it has such great rewards. Great to hear from you, dear.
I’m actually working on this one with the daughter I co-parent with my ex. He is a my-way-or-the-highway guy. In that relationship, I was never going to be right (even if I was right). She is fast becoming her father’s daughter in this sense. We struggle to have conversations because it all comes down to right/wrong issues instead of problem solving. I don’t need to be right with her. I need to set an example. Now, if only I could remember to be that way in my adult relationships. Another great post, Molly. You are a daily inspiration to me.
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It’s really hard not to argue with someone when they are the my way or the highway type. Thanks for the reminder too because I am finding myself getting a little indignant with someone at work and I have to let that go and find a compromise that will make me happy. So glad that I can be an inspiration! That buoys me when I am feeling frustrated too. xo-Molly
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