Conversation in my Head

The post-divorce dating handbook didn’t prepare me for one thing…running into the exes of the guys that I date.  When I first started dating right after our breakup, Jonah had just started kindergarten.  A month or so later, D and I connected the dots of our lives and came up with this: his ex wife was the aide in Jonah’s classroom.  Awkward.  A few months later I was dating a guy who was going through a very bitter divorce (a lesson that I don’t need to learn twice).  Our dots?  His wife was going to the recently opened hot yoga studio that I also attended.  She soon figured it out and flagged me down at a local restaurant to chat with me.  That was very interesting and enlightening (until she later asked me to testify against him in their court case).  There just isn’t an easy way to deal with such situations.

Recently I have been blissfully free from such awkwardness.  Until today.  I was biking at the gym when my former trainer passed by and said hi.  The woman he was with said, Are you Molly?  I took off my earphones and she introduced herself to me (again) as Mr. Big’s _________.  Her voice trailed off and said that she didn’t like to say it.  I said I understood.  Ex is not an appropriate word to represent something that was once so important.  It always makes me think of a big black ex mark crossing something out.

I was surprised that she recognized me and that I had forgotten her (I’m usually good with faces).  Big and I had run into her last Thanksgiving while grocery shopping.  Frankly, there is nothing more intimate than seeing a couple fondle produce together.  She looked very flustered to see us then and I had compassion for her.  We ran into her again in the parking lot and when she heard me laugh she did soften up and tell me that it was nice to meet me.  I always told myself that she probably thought that a witty man liked him deserved a woman with my hearty laugh.

The encounter with her this time had me going in a whole different direction.  I haven’t seen Big since February and we have no future plans to do so.  This time I wanted to pull her over and talk.  I wanted to have the kind of conversation that I had had with the yoga ex (but without the ensuing petition to slander him in court).  She seemed really happy and healthy (she had been really sick for a while).  I wanted to know if she missed him and what her life was like without him.  I wanted to compare notes with her about him like I would with a girlfriend.  Not to be catty, but to share him.  To discuss what a sweet, tender and special man he is.  She, of all people, would know.

As I churned along on the bike listening to my iPod, songs kept coming up that furthered the mental rumination.  First it was Tom Waits, someone who Big and I listened to together.  There is no way that I can listen to him with out thinking of Big and feeling a bit of melancholy because that is the tenor of his music and because it is all about lost love.  Today it was “Grapefruit Moon.”

Grapefruit moon, one star shining, shining down on me.

Heard that tune, and now I’m pining, honey, can’t you see?

‘Cause every time I hear that melody, well, something breaks inside,

And the grapefruit moon, one star shining, can’t turn back the tide.

You can see why I’d want to cry with that one.  Big and I shared something that I didn’t share with other divorcees that I dated and that is true love for our exes.  I always felt sad when I heard him talk about his ex, sadder even then I felt when thinking about my own (I know that it’s probably transference).  Well I got through one verse of the song and that was it.  I skipped it.  There was no use in exacerbating my feelings.

Then came a Sheryl Crow song “Now That You’re Gone.”  I love this song.  It’s pretty upbeat although it is still a breakup song.  She sings, Now that you’re gone, I can breathe.  I can relate to that, and I wondered if Big’s ex would say the same.  It is so not my business, but somehow I feel connected to her and want to know how she is doing.

I fantasized about running into her in the locker room and chatting with her (although nakedness would be very weird).  As it was I was already unfavorably comparing myself to her physically.  She is so tall, thin and statuesque.  Big always used to call me a little girl.  Having been married to a guy that was shorter than me, I hadn’t felt petite in a while.  I started to feel like proverbial chopped liver.  I hadn’t even showered before coming to the gym.  Why hadn’t I remembered my mother’s adage that you always want to look good when you leave the house?  Thank God I have adopted her habit of always putting on lipstick so that there was at least color in my face.  Then I went upstairs and got a good look at myself in the full-length mirrors and reminded myself how attractive my curves can be.  Who knows, maybe she was looking at me and thinking how cute and curvaceous I am, grass always being greener and all.

We did end up in the locker room together.  Fortunately I was already dressed and she was leaving in her gym clothes.  We talked amiably about her health and her workouts, but that was it.  No intimate spilling of our guts.

Then my iPod played me the perfect song for the moment “Life, Love and Laughter” by Donavon Frankenreiter.  It reminded me to stop digging around in the past and just enjoy the present.

Don’t look back,

It won’t do any good

Don’t look ahead

You’ll just be misunderstood

Everything you need

Could be right in front of you

It doesn’t take much

To see what is true

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So, have you ever had a similar experience running into an ex of a lover or spouse?

Do you have conversations in your own head?

What do you really think about when on the exercise bike (or in savasana)?

Related posts:

1. Today is the Girlfriend’s Birthday
2. Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
3. A Happy Marriage is an Inside Job
4. Walking After You
5. Rest in Peace