Celebrating Our Wedding Anniversary as Exes
Posted: August 30th, 2010 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: joys | Tags: anniversary celebrations, ex husband, wedding | 17 Comments »
Layla's altar constructed twelve years to the day on which we made our own trip to the wedding altar
Yesterday was August 29, a date that I will always remember because it is the day when my ex and I got married. This year was the 12th anniversary of that moment in which we pledged to spend our lives together. We may no longer be romantically involved or living together, but we are still very much a part of each other’s lives.
We celebrated this date with our kids, who were very excited about it. My daughter asked to see my wedding ring and made me wear it. I put it on my right hand, where it was a bit small but nonetheless fit. As luck would have it, however, we got a late summer heat wave and my hands swelled so it seems I may be wearing it for a while. It’s a beautiful “dinner” ring from the 1920’s that never was meant to be a wedding ring so I am considering that I might enjoy keeping it on. Three years time from our original breakup allows me to feel okay with that.
I made a nice dinner for us, with clams with a delicious lemon-ginger butter, a fennel salad, oven baked cod and a crusty baguette. While we were celebrating our trip to the altar, six-year-old Layla had decided that she wanted her own altar in our house, as she had seen one at a friend’s apartment that day and also at her grandparents’ house in California. My ex found a box in the basement with my old tarot cards, runes and crystals. While I cooked, he set it up for her in our dining room.
After dinner we had a chance to talk while cleaning the kitchen. We shared a tender moment in which we both apologized for past hurts and disappointments, hugged each other and shared some tears, and reaffirmed our ongoing love and commitment to our family. What I felt in that moment was not a sense of sadness but instead immense gratitude for our ability to love despite our differences, gratitude for my choice to ignore my grievances with him and focus instead on the ways in which he enriches my life, gratitude that our children still get to experience moments of a united nuclear family. Then we had a sweet ending to the evening by going downtown to Herrell’s for some ice cream.
In my deep house-cleaning project, I found a card that my ex gave me for my birthday the spring after we got married. He wrote a poem about our wedding, which took place on a misty morning on a cliff overlooking the confluence of the Russian River and the Pacific Ocean.
Cows frolicking amidst the morning green,
An ancient spirit spreads its wings over the priestess’s head.
The roaring ocean down the cliffs, calls unto the child to a game of hide-and-seek.
But, who would have thought?
A mother’s embrace holds him tight.
The circle is enclosed, stone by stone.
As we descend into the mist for our fate to meet…
At that moment of overwhelming love and union, we never thought that our marriage would end in divorce. However, I am so glad that we have met our fate with loving grace, just as we did on that misty morning twelve years ago.
Related posts:
- Our Anniversary Gingko
- Being a Family After Divorce
- Turkey Killer…qu’est-ce que c’est?
- A Day in the Life of the Peaceful Divorcee
- The Benefits of Nostalgia
thank you molly,for sharing. i have two thoughts.
tender moments with our former spouses are so important. these moments are such important reminders of the role they play and will always play in our lives.
meeting people, relationships and life’s twists and turns with loving grace can make all the difference in our journey.
thanks, my friend. i am glad that i have you to share this with.
I’m still amazed that you can have this experience while focusing on the gratitude and love, instead of wallowing in sadness and pity (I’m probably revealing too much about my own personal nature). It sounds like a very healthy balance, and I’m sure the kids are benefiting from seeing such a whole perspective on life’s ups and downs. I admire you!
Wow! Your kids must love the fact that there are still times they get you both all to themselves, at the same time. I am still working towards being able to give that to Sunshine. How inspiring.
I will always remember that day (that weekend) as one of the most beautiful, touching, wonderful weddings I have ever attended. It was so amazingly authentic to who you both were – romantic, festive, fun. I remember it vividly. It was a weekend filled with such love and happiness from all of the particpants. You both looked so lovely and glowing. There was great food, wine, laughter and sharing. It remains a very treasured memory for me and I was so grateful to be a part of it.
That’s not to say you aren’t romantic, festive and fun NOW as well. ;) Obviously you are all of those things.
Thanks, Jenn. We try to do a family dinner once a week if it fits our schedules. We all benefit from it! Try it sometime, even if it seems strange. It, like many things, takes practice.
Barb- Thanks for that beautiful description. We still carry that love with us and it’s now being carried on through our wonderful children. Our love hasn’t died, just been transmuted. Thanks for being a part of that weekend.
I remember the “confluence” well. It was a lovely weekend. I am thrilled with Layla’s altar, and touched with the way you celebrated your un-anniversary.
Thanks, Dad, I think I inherited the celebration gene from you and Mom. And thanks for giving us such a lovely wedding that we all enjoyed so much!
I’m still in awe of your relationship, as well as those of other divorced couples I know, who can set aside their differences and celebrate what brought you together in the first place.
MomZombie recently posted..Peg Bundy would be proud
Thanks for the admiration Ali! I have been practicing gratitude now for a while and thus it has become a lot easier to do!
Thanks!
How wonderful that you are able to celebrate this day, instead of feeling bitter about it. That says a lot about you, and how much you love your children. Bravo!
Thanks, Allison. The interesting thing is that I am not just doing it for the kids but for myself as well because I benefit from us still being friends. I really didn’t want to lose such an important relationship in my life.
It is also my way of validating all those years we spent together.
The first year that my ex and I separated was perhaps our worst year (not really a surprise to anyone) but it had more to do with his new girlfriend being hugely neurotic about him having a caring relationship with his ex-wife.
There were a few nasty altercations that we had because he was trying to re-write the rules we’d agreed on and I found out later (after they’d gone separate ways) that he was trying to re-write *our* relationship to her liking. It is entirely possible that had she stayed around, we would not have created the caring relationship we have.
The time our anniversary rolled around that first year, I believe we exchanged nice emails with each other, but since then it has quietly passed without outward note, although I realize it every year.
I’m glad you have such a loving way to recognize a day that was so important to the shape of your life.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..I am pointing That Way->
Lori-
The first year we had planned to go out and I had even gotten a babysitter. But we got into a fight at the last minute and he refused. So I spent the night drinking wine and hot tubbing with a girlfriend. It takes some practice and time.