Tell a Different Story
Posted: August 28th, 2010 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges, happiness | Tags: positive denial, suffering, telling our stories | 14 Comments »
You know those moments when everything seems bleak? You go out on a bad date and fret that there are no interesting men left in the world. You find yourself getting older, definitely wiser, but not prettier. You don’t have enough money to pay the bills. You’ve got physical ailments, arthritis, allergies, back pain, ulcers, you name it. Or maybe these problems are mundane in comparison to this. I met a man in yoga whose wife of ten years suddenly died six weeks ago in a traffic accident. Imagine the pain that he feels.
Wow, you didn’t expect this from me, I know. Recently I have been following a blogger Big Little Wolf who, like me, is a divorcee with kids, except she is doing all the parenting. She has written a series of posts that have really cut me to the core. First, there was one about how alone she feels, especially in the middle of the night when she can’t sleep. Why does everything seem particularly grim in the dead of night? I used to wake up with anxiety attacks where everything I thought of was a worry, but then in the morning, those fears just didn’t grip me. The dark night, while being the inspiration for much beautiful poetry, can also really play with your mind.
Then she wrote a post that many of us parents can relate to, her inability to pay for her son’s college tuition. She called it “Numbers do not Lie.” God, we love our kids so much and want nothing but to secure them a bright, successful and fulfilling future. That’s our duty, right?
As positive as I am, her fears and concerns cut through my serenity like a knife gash in a bag of rice, allowing all the inner contents to come spilling out. Once I saw the rice on the floor, however, I knew that I couldn’t just leave it there. I had to take action. That’s when I remembered positive denial.
When my ex lost his job a year and a half ago, leaving little me, a college lecturer, the main breadwinner of the family, I remember what I did. After my initial breakdown and freak out and the subsequent cost cutting (of course), I stopped thinking about it and started focusing on my desires instead. I dreamed of us living in California near my loving family where the kids would have the best support network ever. I imagined myself married to a rich man who took care of all of our needs. I fantasized about being independently wealthy and having no cares in the world about money. And of course, I looked at was underneath my nose, which were two adorable, loving kids who have fun playing with cardboard boxes, flowers and sticks (and library books!). We didn’t need money to enjoy all that. No long thereafter, I was back to my cheery self, enjoying all that life had to offer.
Positive denial, a therapist friend called it. When you have done all that you can do to remedy a situation and yet it is still painful, I find it helpful to rewrite it. To tell a different story, one that is so much more pleasant. A story more fitting to my truly deserving nature. A fantastic piece of fiction that makes me excited to get up in the morning to see what will happen next. Maybe it’s someone else’s story (or what you think their story is) of true love and living happily ever after. Maybe it’s a story that you read somewhere, the Vows section of the New York Times or a novel. Perhaps it’s something you saw on TV or in a movie. Or maybe you have the ability to imagine a wonderful alternate reality all by yourself. Fantasy has its purpose, and for me it is to make me feel better and to get me through the day with a smile on my face. And you know what? It works. I am more than what the numbers show.
Last night as I was contemplating this, one of my favorite bloggers, Kris from Pretty All True, wrote a lyrical piece about having a migraine. She went to sit on a hammock and then had the most wonderful memory of a perfect moment in her life lying on a hammock on the beaches of Hawaii with her loving husband and her two sweet girls. She told the story like it was one of those transcendent and resplendent moments in time in which you feel so grateful to be alive. As her head was exploding in pain, she wrote that story. I don’t know if this memory was real or if she made it up, but as it wound down, I could feel the tension draining from make my body and a great sense of ease and wellbeing flooded through me. Go read this story now. Print it out and keep it somewhere for the next time you are feeling pain, heartbreak or fear. Re-read it and make it your own beautiful story. I’ve already made it mine.
this is great molly! nice job! started listening to newest abraham-hicks and yes, positive manifestation BEGINS with reaching for that higher thought and feeling-place…
Thanks, Nina. I really find that that once I tell a happy story, I not only feel better, but things start moving in a positive direction.
Thanks for the love, Molly!
And my story of the hammock?
All true. Like all of my stories. All true.
I figured so, but I kind of liked the ambiguity. It was an awesome post!
When Ezekiel was a baby & something was not right, I always, but always attributed it to teething. I consider it early parenting positive denial.
We gotta do it!
Sarah Buttenwieser recently posted..Fixing Whats Broken
That’s just smart parenting! If we worried about each little illness, hurt feeling or difficult moment with our kids, we’d go nuts.
[...] lovely and caring reader, a divorced mom, has written about the benefits of Positive Denial. She suggests that if you “tell a different story” you can change your reality. She [...]
Ok, I really like the hammock story. It was beautifully told. And, even if the truth of the hammock story is somewhat questionable, who cares? Beauty is beauty. Maybe we would all be happier if we did what you said and rewrote our stories, or told a whole new story altogether.
Jenn recently posted..Jam Session with Mir Kamin
I think this is a lovely post, Molly. And I understand why my situation is so disturbing. I also believe in positivity, and even a dose of positive denial now and then. The issue is degree and context.
I believe we have serious problems with our family court system and we sweep them under the rug. I know that I have. Just getting through each day of parenting is challenging under the best of circumstances. Who has time to fight a system, or seek to improve it, especially when its machinery is so vast, so intricate, and varies from state to state?
My fear is that we as mothers – single or married – are so swamped in the daily duties of mothering that we don’t protect ourselves and our children from the unforeseen possibilities.
BigLittleWolf recently posted..The Problem with “Positive Denial” is Denial
Jenn- The blogger told me that the hammock story is true. I kind of feel bad that I insinuated that it wasn’t but I was just making the point that any story can be used to make us feel at peace. If it is your own sweet memory, maybe it works even better.
Oops…well, that makes the story so much sweeter, doesn’t it? I think I was a little misled by the tagline on her blog. Which I don’t really have a problem with…I just liked the story :).
Jenn
Jenn recently posted..Jam Session with Mir Kamin
It is a sweet story that has resonances, I think, for all of us, whether it’s true or not or our story or not. That was jus the point I was trying to make.
Sure the court system isn’t perfect. My first issue with it is the adversarial way in which divorce is conducted. What about those of us who want to do it with a spirit of cooperation? Why does it have to be a Kramer vs Kramer?
Frankly, I think protecting ourselves and our children from “unforeseen possibilities” is impossible. The only thing we can do is deal with a situation when it arises. Jenn, from Rock Star Co-Parenting, has a great article on resilience. That, to me, seems to be the key. Getting back up when we have fallen down.
[...] I have written in the past about positive denial and the act of responding to adversity by telling a different story. This can be a very powerful, yet perhaps controversial, tool for dealing with pain. Sometimes [...]