Right Where It Belongs
Posted: August 19th, 2010 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges | Tags: Divorce, nine inch nails | 22 Comments »Today’s post is written by a guest blogger, Justine, a Malaysian immigrant who came to the United States sixteen years ago to get her degree and never left. She writes a very beautiful and personal blog, Here Where I Have Landed, that is dedicated to the recording of her life stories for her daughter. In addition to being the memory keeper for her family, she is also a divorcee.
Since her blog is about her new family, I asked Justine if she would share with us something about her past, about her divorce and how it has impacted her life. She responded with this lyrical piece “Right Where It Belongs,” which, like many of my pieces, takes its title from a song. This honest essay about her decision to end her marriage reminds me of one of my favorite quotes (by Joseph Campbell). ”We must be willing to get rid of the life that we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Justine in her post-divorce splendor. It’s quite a postcard, isn’t it?
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I didn’t know I wanted to end my marriage. In fact, I didn’t know I was unhappy. I was going through the motions like most people – date, cohabitate, get engaged, get married, enjoy a few years together, then start trying for a baby. We were in the midst of that last part when I had a wake-up call one day.
I was at work listening to music with headphones on when I stopped mid-task to rest from straining my eyes at the computer. That’s when the lyrics to Nine Inch Nails’ “Right Where It Belongs”, one that I’ve listened to numerous times, finally found its way to my ears, and then my head, and finally my heart. That was the beginning of the end.
And it was all because of these words:
”Right Where It Belongs”
See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you’re on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it’s all
Right where it belongs
What if everything around you
Isn’t quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?
What if all the worlds inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you’re really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can’t find the woods
While you’re hiding in the trees
As I listened, each word pierced deeper and deeper into my soul. The tears began to flow freely. And I trembled. That was my life in this song. My husband then was a lovely man. He was, in many people’s eyes, quite the perfect match for me. But what they saw and what I felt could not be farther apart.
I am a romantic. And I am passionate. I found those parts of me were disintegrating in a life wrapped in routine and any diversion from the ordinary was usually led by me, and it was exhausting. I also thrive on challenge, and being with someone who would do anything for me also meant I called the shots. It was nice the first couple of years but it eventually became stale. I no longer wanted to be the driving force behind our twosome. As sweet, kind, loving and gentle that man was, I was not the woman for him. It took me eight years and a Nine Inch Nails song to realize that. How ironic, considering it was his favorite band.
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can’t find the woods
While you’re hiding in the trees
Besides, I needed to know that there had to be more to life than what we had. My doubts were beginning to cloud my appreciation for our relationship. Is this it? Is this what marriage is all about? Is this where passion eventually goes to die?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it’s all
Right where it belongs
But I DIDN’T want it to die. I was passionate about passion! I had to do something. I only have one chance at this life, one chance to possibly get it right, and even if a passionate and romantic union is a myth, I had to at least give it another try and find out for myself. I know it’s pretty risque for me to terminate the “till death do us part” clause solely based on ennui, but I am also of the mindset that “till death do us part” was created by people who didn’t live past the age of 40. It was much easier to pledge forever then. In those days, my eight-year relationship with my ex would’ve been the Golden Years. When the years that lie ahead of us felt more like a sentence than a marriage, I knew I had to leave.
And with the grave and scary realization that this was just not the forever for me, I set in motion a course that eventually led me here, and my ex-husband to a life now that suits him perfectly. Before this, he had made his life to fit mine. Now, he actually gets to choose his own path, so this is good for him too.
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
Of course, it’s all in hindsight that we now see this. I announced my departure quite suddenly. I broke his heart. He didn’t understand because he too thought things were fine. When we separated, he was angry with me, but because we had very little that tied us together, our divorce was quick and painless. He wanted it that way. The sooner he was rid of me, the better. However, a few months after the separation, all animosity disappeared, and in its place was an understanding, with an undercurrent of gratitude. He never said it but I know that he too felt liberated. He is now his own person. Not my person.
Six months post separation, I was able to invite him to my apartment for lunch where I made him his favorite foods. We were even able to discuss our lives amicably. I was grateful for his forgiveness. And he, perhaps for my eventual courage to be cruel to be kind.
But I was also the recipient of my own cruelty. I had tossed away the eight years of life as I knew it and had to find a way to stand on my own. We had gone to graduate school and moved to a new city together so to walk away from this relationship meant walking away from our familiar life, our friends and his family. I also had to deal with harsh judgment and criticism of my decision. I was after all responsible for this, and with very few friendly faces, I felt lost. Unsure. Alone.
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?
There were many, many nights of crying. I felt guilty for hurting someone who did nothing wrong. I felt guilty for hurting his family who had been nothing but kind and generous to me. They were the only family I had here, and I had lost them too. I spent the holidays by myself for the first time since I arrived here from Malaysia and I often wondered if I did the right thing.
Now I know with absolute certainty that I did. The divorce taught me that just because there is a path that lies before me, it doesn’t mean I have to trudge along on leaden feet. I want to skip, hop, dance and run on my journey, but it’s up to me to find one that would allow me to do that. Yes, it was risky, but without risk, there is no reward. I also learned that change, even when it hurts and topples your world, can be really, really good. And my life now is proof of that. The pieces that were once uncertain eventually fell into place – as they often do. Our divergent paths led us to exactly where we needed to be. I did find what I was looking for, and as of our last communication, so did my ex-husband. I’m not proud of what I did to get here.
But the fact of the matter is, we are here.
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Have you ever had such a moment in which you realized that you needed to change the direction of your life?
Are you a risk-taker? Do you plunge into the unknown or do you find yourself looking for a net before diving in?
Is there anything you wish you had done differently? Is there something you wish you could do now?
Are you ready for the life that is waiting for you? What’s stopping you?
No related posts.
That move took immense courage.
Because it is easy to walk away from a bad situation, and much much harder to walk away from something that is ideal.
Lots of guts, I say the average person wouldn’t have done this.
Incredible story, such a huge risk. To jump off the cliff without even tiptoeing to the edge…
To jump off the cliff not knowing where it is you will land…or even if you will land.
Justine-
This story reminds me of the epiphany that I had in my first year of law school. I read some poetry one day and knew that literature, rather than law, was my passion and that I wanted to go get my PhD. I had worked really hard to get into law school, taken a LSAT prep course, filled out lots of applications, visited schools, taken out loans, etc. But I knew I couldn’t continue.
While it was a decision that affected me only, it was one that took me three thousand miles away from home, to the East Coast, where I knew no one. Within a couple of months, I met my husband and it all came together, and I knew that I had made the right decision.
He and I tell the kids that I was planning to be a lawyer and he was planning to be a vet, but we both decided to study literature so that we could meet each other.
You have a way with words, Justine! I’m typically very cautious when it comes to change, so this was encouraging for me for a few things I’ve been considering. Thanks!
You have done a lot of living in your young life, girl.
I am impressed with your self awareness and courage. And sometimes even when we’re doing the “right” thing, we can take a less than skillful approach. I’ve been learning this the hard way for too long. But it sounds like you gave your ex the keys to unlock his own liberation, and look at the beautiful path it led you to.
Have a great weekend!
Rachel
Hi Alexandra – I figured that if I didn’t when I could (age 30 was still young enough for a brand new life), I would probably never do it. I also didn’t want to end up like my mom who had a bitter life with her one life partner because she didn’t think she could change her fate. She could but she didn’t. I could and I did. And that has made all the difference. I guess we really do learn from the sins of our fathers (and mothers) :)
Justine! You are blowing me away this week! Thanks for this. It’s inspired my next entry… :)
Much love and cheers for what you’ve created. Because you haven’t just landed where you are. You’ve created a new life from scratch, with intention and passion and devotion. There is nothing haphazard about that.
xoxo
Karen
Molly – first, thank you for inviting me to post here. It’s a relief for me to be able to talk about this, and your site is the perfect forum for it.
I’ve made a career change once and while the diversion from my course didn’t last, it provided me three eye-opening years in the F&B industry. I also met my best friend and several other people who are really important in my life now, so that move definitely worked well, even if it had nothing to do with my career path.
I know it’s so trite to say “everything happens for a reason” but I’m a firm believer of it. My original plan wasn’t a graduate degree in Lit either. It was psychology. Sometimes we have to move down a path before we know it’s not for us. But at least we did and know for sure. Better than regret having never tried it to begin with.
Hah! Karen, I feel a little beat up with all this major introspection. Next week, it’s going to be about what I had for dinner, just to even things out a bit. :)
And thank you for your comment too. Because I’m not religious, I don’t quite know how much of our lives is a series of coincidence and serendipity, and how much of it is mapped out by the course of our own actions. A little bit of everything I suppose but the thought of predestination frightens me and perhaps that’s why I’ve veered off course several times because I can’t imagine leaving things up to chance and in the hands of an ethereal being.
I look forward to your next entry.
Molly, Karen’s blog is definitely one to follow. I highly recommend it.
What a courageous act–to listen to your heart and your soul and refuse the easy path. I’m not sure I could have ever taken such a leap; change scares me, and that’s a BIG change. I’m so pleased that it was the right choice for you both.
Thanks Rachel. I’d like to think of myself as brave, but really, in that instance, it seems like survival. When you’re going through the motions, there really isn’t much living to it, so the change became necessary. Not only for a breath of fresh air, but one that helped me live, and not just be.
You have a lovely weekend yourself!
Pop, I don’t laugh at the face of adversity myself, and I’ll be the first to admit change is REALLY hard. But sometimes, you just gotta do whatcha gotta do ya know?
Thanks for following me over here Pop. You caught me at a pretty intense week. I do have a sense of humor, I promise. It’s why I enjoy your blog – so does my other half, by the way. I sent it to him and it’s nice for him to have a daddy blog to which he can relate. Except for the working out part anyway :)
I am going to check out Karen’s site right now, especially since I am so passionate about yoga. Thanks!
I too believe that some things happen because they are going to happen, there’s no stopping it. Like you meeting your Guy. But we also put a lot in motion through our thoughts, intentions, and actions. Perhaps we do a little dance with the universe.
I know how you feel about the introspection. I told my friend last night that this had been a week of a lot of growth but it felt exhausting too. And then sharing with everyone on the blogosphere can make it even more intense. But I am grateful for the process.
Thanks for sharing here!!!
Wow, Justine, this was courageous, beautiful, and eloquently written.
Good for you Justine, for following your heart and creating your path. Wow, this really has been a week of bottom-of-your-heart posts. Yay for you!
………………..speechless right now. Thanks Molly for having Justine as a guest, perfect timing once again!
I so wish my husband (ex-to be) would have found the clarity, courage, respect, selflessness, many more words…to do what you chose to do Justine. I am truly sitting here mouth agape….
You know, Steph, I think it takes a lot of self-awareness to do what Justine did. That’s a somewhat rare trait, especially in someone as young as her when she did it! Hang in there sweetie!
Steph, I suppose every one comes to their own truths in their own way, their own time. I wish I had an answer for you about your husband but so many factors come into play in the decision-making process. I had the help of an epiphany and two really loyal friends who stood by myself when others shunned me. They provided the support and clarity I needed. In the end, yes, I had to do this by myself and end the marriage but it wasn’t just from my own courage. I certainly had help.
This is a beautiful, lucid piece of writing, Justine. I applaud your ability to look in the mirror and take action which, as you say, ended up bringing you and your ex to a life that fit much better.
Justine – this was beautiful. I knew there was something missing, something that hadn’t been shared :) And this is the missing piece that makes so much sense.
You are such a beautiful writer, a beautiful soul, and beautiful woman who did the right thing.
Bravo, my friend :)
[...] didn’t mention something in her article yesterday. She has a new Guy that she is very passionate about, the one in the postcard, the [...]
I’m so very much not a risk-taker, and I doubt I could ever have made the choice you did. Wow! I applaud (and am in awe of) your courage. And so happy you got your happy ending, of course. =>
What really resonates with me in this post is how a small thing can inspire a big change. I’ve blogged about it myself at a friend’s blog. a lot of people miss the turn in the road that we’re meant to take, because they’re not listening closely enough or just aren’t open minded, or open hearted, enough. You are keenly self aware. That song hit you and you knew the path had turned and that you had to take it. It is an amazingly freeing and powerful thing to have that ability.
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