My First Foray into Dating

Several of my friends have encouraged me to blog about my post-divorce dating life.  Well, as luck would have it, last night I ran into the first guy that I dated after my ex and I split up.  So I thought what  better place to start than at the beginning.

Two and a half months after my ex moved out of the house, as part of my process of making lemonade out of lemons, I asked myself “What are the benefits of your new single life?”  Dating was right there at the top of that list.  So…as many people do, I signed up for Match.com, not really sure what I was getting myself into.  The very first date I had was with D (I can’t bring myself to mention his name in case he feels compromised and somehow making up a fake name sounds weird). He and I hit it off right away.  At the end of the date we had a make-out session in the parking lot of Thornes.  I felt like a teenager again.  It turns out that dating as a single parent (with kids at the house) can return you to a certain adolescence in which you have to be creative and do some sneaking around.

I like to give my ex credit where credit is due, so I have to say that he always made me feel like a desirable woman.  He noticed my outfits, my makeup and jewelry and to this day he still compliments me on a regular basis on how good I look.  Of the big three topics that couples fight about (sex, kids, and money), we just had the latter two. Nevertheless, after being with the same man for thirteen years, this passionate and somewhat illicit connection with D was very exciting for me.

Even more important than that (can you believe there’s something more important than that?) was that D had this amazing capacity to help me understand and process my relationship with my ex.  Whereas my ex was sensitive, emotional and emotionally open, yet tended toward maelstroms, D was logical, compassionate, objective, and extremely level headed.  At the end of my relationship with my ex, I felt like I was inadvertently stepping into landmines every time I spoke.  It seemed that everything I said rubbed him the wrong way or set him off.  With D I could talk about anything under the sun and admit to him all my feelings, and he would listen, never react personally and respond with a well thought-out observation.

Now I don’t really recommend that a recent divorcee spend a lot of time talking about her ex with a new lover.  In fact, many of my first dates from Match have bombed because the guy spent so much time badmouthing his ex-wife (such an unattractive quality).  However, D had this preternatural ability to calm me down no matter what my ex did, and I loved it.  I would call him up all riled up about something Hugo had done and he would listen and sympathize, and then when I was calm again, he would gently point out to me my part in the conflict, where I could have done things better.  He was way more helpful than a therapist, and, frankly, better than my sister or mother, who already had preconceived notions about Hugo and his behavior.

D looked at me with new eyes, and he made me see myself (and my ex) with new eyes.  After so many years of cohabitation, it is easy to forget how much of your identity is formed through your spouse’s perception of you.  D teased that out of me and made me realize that I was different than how my ex viewed me.  Not only did he help me understand my ex better, he helped me understand myself.

After the turbulence of my breakup, D was a breath of fresh air, but of course in the end it turned out that such even temperedness had its price.  He was also at times aloof, ambivalent, and never really let me into his heart, but I suppose you can’t have it all.  Nonetheless we saw each other on and off for over a year, and it was exactly what I needed.  We are still friends, and, in fact, he does computer work, so when I started this blog I called him up for help.  He’s not an expert on blogging or WordPress, but he did do what he has done so many times before.  He sat on the phone with me, answered my questions, and nonchalantly guided me to take action.

It seems fitting, after playing such a big role in my transition into divorced living, that D would also play a part in starting this blog.  Plus, he made me laugh at the end of the conversation when he said, “So I take it from the name of your blog that things are going better?”  I told him he can write the “I knew her when” comments.

Related posts:

1. That’s What She Said
2. Trouble in Paradise