I am glad that he is my ex
Posted: August 19th, 2010 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges, happiness, joys | Tags: happiness, negativity, positivity, tobey | 16 Comments »Yesterday, Jonah reminded me of an episode that happened a couple of months ago, when my ex lost his driver’s license, that I had written about but never posted because I thought it was too negative. My intention for this blog is to show others that it is possible to have a peaceful and loving relationship with your ex, one that benefits everyone around you, especially the kids.
However, the conflicts, or the moments in which I scream thank God I’m no longer with this man, are a little harder to tell. I don’t want to make my ex look bad because that would be counterproductive to our peace, now wouldn’t it? (He is a pretty regular reader of the blog.) In addition, I have trouble with negativity myself. I’ll admit it. I’m addicted to positive thinking, which usually serves me really well, but sometimes people think that I am a Pollyanna (which is a discussion for a different blog post).
After reading the post about my ex’s girlfriend doing my crossword puzzle, my friend Barb admitted that she was glad to see that not everything is perfectly zen in Peaceful Divorce Land. So I have decided to post the essay about the lost license so that you all can see that 1) there is a reason why I am happier divorced and 2) that I am not pathologically positive.
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My ex is a tense man, who has the tendency to find certain details in life very overwhelming. The funny thing is that he gives the impression of being this very laid back Caribbean dude. I remember how cute I thought he was when I met him. He had long hair and was wearing sandals and a short-sleeved cotton button-down that had an interesting print on it. He was a beachy intellectual, super smart but also able to let his hair down and have fun, the perfect combo for my Malibu and Ivy League backgrounds. And he can be very relaxed at times…until something bothers him.
Even though I don’t live with him anymore, our kids keep me abreast of his mood swings. They are 8 and 6 years old, and, frankly, they can’t keep a secret. They tell me all sorts of details about him (and his girlfriend) that I could do without, but I just remind myself to let them slide like water off a duck’s back.
So this morning, the first thing they announce is that he has lost his driver’s license.
I ask for clarification on this. You mean…he misplaced it? They launch into the very boring story about it, but I realize that what they are really telling me is that he has been very upset and stressed about this turn of events and that he hasn’t been much fun to be with. I end the conversation thinking how glad I am that I no longer have to deal with his moments of tension. I understand what a nuisance a lost license is, but I sure appreciate that I got to enjoy my Saturday evening and Sunday morning with dinner, drinks, movie, and yoga with friends instead of hanging out at home with Mr. Grumpy.
A little while later I receive a call from a private caller. It’s the police…looking for my ex. For a brief moment, I panic thinking that he has done something wrong, but then I ask them if it’s about his lost license. Yes…they have it.
So I give them his number and call him afterwards to make sure that he got it. There is palpable relief in his voice. I ask him how he has been and he admits what I had imagined, that he has been in a foul mood since yesterday afternoon when he discovered it was missing. I ask him if he has been a joy to be around and he laughs and says “No. Absolutely not.” In a way that drives my platonic boyfriend Tobey nuts (and maybe some of you would agree with him), I remind him that things have a way of working out and that he has made himself unnecessarily miserable over the last few hours. In a way that only a man who no longer lives with me could say, he admits that I am right.
No related posts.
ha! l Love the title of this blog. I also loved the blog as usual. Being in a new area where 2 of my ex boyfriends both live and play soccer I have been tempted (partly due to loneliness and in part nostalgia) to contact them. So after fighting the urge for nearly 3 weeks I texted one of them to say i moved to CT. He immediately responded and expressed how happy he was for me. It felt so nice to have made what i thought was a simple friendly connection. Well anyone who knows him knows this relationship was nothing if not complicated, and for the past year mostly unfriendly. This weekend we decided to hang out as friends and within an hour I remembered precisely why we had ended things! I was disappointed in him, but left with a renewed sense that i had made the right decision. Wow, am i glad he’s my ex!! :)
Tawni-
Whenever I am alone for a stretch of time, I start to romanticize my ex lovers and even my ex hubby. Sometimes you need to spend some time with them to remind yourself that there was a reason that the relationship ended.
I can’t wait to see you tonight!
I appreciate the balance of dark and light, of not living only in “happy land” as much as our culture suggests we could, and then sells us things to help us compensate for what is nothing more than our humanity.
Nevertheless, I sometimes can’t help but feel that the world is a living poem, and that a man whose persona is laid back loses his license (i.e. symbol of identity) and then the police (symbol of rule-bound authority) come into possession of said identity signifier which is then transmitted through you (the feminine, harmonizing, mediating principle) to be re-recognized by its rightful, and perhaps struggling to truly grow up, owner.
Sometimes it feels like we are all one big deck of scattered cards struggling to see that our true identity is held by none of us, but only by all of us (marriage as union, vs. consciousness of all opposites?).
Wow, Bruce. That is deep. Are you a psychoanalyst? You certainly offer an interpretation that I hadn’t thought of. But it does cast me in a role that I often played in our marriage, and that I hesitate to play now, which is that of savior/mother/humanizer. Without going into detail, he has gotten himself into some situations that he probably wouldn’t have if he had still been with me. But every time I tried to help him grow up, as it were, he rebelled against it and just resented me. Is there a way out of this cycle? Or a way in which it can be done healthily?
Hey Molly,
I so want to hear about your positive attitude, I almost wish you’d start a whole new blog about it. But I guess that’s what the hp blog is for :)
In so many of the situations you’ve described, I reflect that I would want to react in the peaceful-inciting ways that you do, but honestly, my lower self takes over, and I devolve.
Anyway, great to read about both challenging and rewarding experiences. Thank you!
Ali-
Hang in there. My posts alternate from my challenges and joys and humorous moments of divorced living, all sprinkled with my positive outlook. My divorce was a pivotal moment in my life that forced me to decide whether or not I was going to choice a path of sadness, resentment and regret or a path of optimism, hope and joy. When I started to realize that my happiness was more about having a positive attitude than anything else, I realized that I could choose my own reaction to every situation.
So yes, my blog isn’t like the Happiness Project in its global scope. It’s more my personal stories of relationships (with my ex, my kids, my friends and my lovers) and what they have taught me. They do always end with a positive lesson though because that where my mind goes these days. I always find a positive spin to make myself feel good.
I think that yoga has really helped me cultivate the ability to avoid reacting from my lower self, as you put it. But I wasn’t so perfect on Tuesday when it all went down, but luckily we both have the ability to bridge back even once we have lost our tempers. So remember that it takes practice.
I read a great piece in the Huffington Post yesterday that I may write about. It’s about how relationship failures are good for us. You might like it.
I love the part about giving the impression of being a “laid back Caribbean dude.” My husband gives the impression of being a “laid back Oregon hippie” (and even describes himself that way) but watch out when he gets stuck in even the tiniest amount of traffic.
What is it? Still waters run deep. The quiet guys will surprise you every time.
Mol, You know I love and admire your positive attitude. I have caught myself the last few weeks (months?) being pretty negative and I have looked to you for inspiration to consciously try to refocus myself to be more positive. It has been pretty successful and has had a great impact on my relationships with others across the board. Including my relationship with my wife ;) So thanks for the role you have played in my recalibration toward ‘intentional happiness’.
I am inspired by the way you are creating and relishing in a happy life for yourself and your kids. But I also do think it’s great that you are willing to share these less than perfect moments. It makes you a better and more authentic “divorcee’ role model” in the end.
xoxo,
Barb
Thanks again, Barbie, for your kind words. I’m glad that I could inspire you in some way. It does help relationships quite a bit when you appreciate your life and their role in it, doesn’t it?
But yes, I will share those dark moments too, as long as they aren’t too disparaging to Hugo. You know that with him, I’m always in store for more drama.
It’s great that we can stay in touch more through my blog.
Love you lots-Mol
I am here from Big Little Wolf and I will be back. Although I was never married to my daughter’s father, he is, in a way, an X as we were “together” for 13 years. I did not imagine that the end of our relationship and our attempts at working as “parents” would ever look as they do. We went from a friendship in which I shared everything with him to a situation in which he decided that isolation and yet control were the name of the game – him having complete control and calling all the shots.
It has been about 18 months now – his choices have put his relationship with our ten year old in a tail spin, he has isolated himself from his extended family, and i keep discovering the things that were hidden from me for years.
And yet, I believe in respecting him regardless as to how he treats me; I beleive in an open heart toward his family; and I believe in supporting our daughter as she faces the person that he is and his choices – coming to terms with the reality that these choices are about him and have nothing to do with her or the person that she is.
yet the man can get to me – the drama he is pulls me in at times. I find myself having to remember to breathe. The conviction he has in his being “right” is beyond my understanding as is his ability to live with such denial…
But as you say, we have a choice – we can choose to be optimistic and loving and let go or we can choose the other side of the coin.
I look forward to reading more of what you write.
Welcome to my site! It sounds like you are already doing a great job. I always use the golden rule of do unto others as you would have done unto you. Keep holding out hope and a positive vision. It is a constant process. And sometimes, like this day, I feel like I backslide. And other days we get along really well. As I write, we just had a family dinner together and he helped me pull together our kids’ baby furniture to sell at a tag sale tomorrow. It’s good to feel like family regardless of our split. You’ll get there too!
Q: (for another post really): if your ex stays a tense no fun license losing guy, how do you help your kids live with him? How do you deal with feeling you’ve left them vulnerable to bad moods etc? (I know he’s not always that way but you get where I’m coming from).
Glass half-full is such a better half!
That is a really good question, Sarah, and it would make a good post. I have spoken to Jonah on numerous occasions about it. They both understand that he is a moody guy and that they are never responsible for his ups and downs. They play with their own stuff and generally stay out of his way when he gets like that. I learned early on that I couldn’t shield them from it, and that it would serve as a good lesson for them on how to deal with people of different temperaments.
They love him and he also has great moments. He too is aware of his behavior and while he doesn’t seem able to stop it midstream, he tends to compensate afterwards with lots of love and tenderness. He is a wonderful oxymoron of a person and the kids get that. Jonah seems to be particularly psychologically savvy and I think it may have come, in part, from dealing with his dad.
If I may brag a moment, my kids are so amazing and wise beyond their years that I always remind myself that we must be doing something right :).
you so totally ARE!
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