Is There Room for Career and Friends in Your Marriage?

The topic on my mind today is marriage, not divorce.  I was married for ten years, so it’s something I know a little bit about.  Plus, my divorce has me questioning what it takes to have a successful marriage.  Now that I am outside the fray of it, I have wondered what I could have done differently…or what I could do differently in the future.  Ironically enough, I think that I made my marriage too important and too central to my identity and my life.

A friend recently told me a story about a colleague of hers that had just graduated from medical school and had, with considerable effort, launched a six-figure practice.  Suddenly, she gave it up because her husband didn’t like her long hours and said that she didn’t have enough time for him (don’t men often work long hours?).  She said that she had to decide between her career and her marriage.  Now I am the first to admit that you can never really know what truly goes on between two people, but my friend and I both felt sad that she was giving up a successful career that gave her economic independence and a sense of fulfillment.  My friend reminded her that her marriage, while certainly a top priority, might not last forever and that she might want to have her career as a safety net.

Personally speaking, keeping my career intact has not only been important to my self-esteem, but also to the stability of my family.  A year after our breakup, my ex lost his job and has not yet returned to his former income or career status.  My job has allowed us to have health insurance, to keep our beautiful home, and gives me enough expendable income to travel to visit my family and go out with my friends (with a bit leftover for shoes).  While I have tremendous admiration for stay-at-home moms (especially since I have seen how much they contribute to the running of the public schools) and feel that is a valid career choice for women, my own satisfaction is tied to both the happiness I derive from my job and the economic stability that it affords us.  Plus, as many unemployed people note, jobs keep us tied to a larger group of people, give us a sense of belonging to something greater than ourselves, and often give us a social outlet.  A friend of mine who works from home says that he has to do online dating because he never meets anyone because he spends so much time alone.

Now for some people, a social life might not be that important, but I do know that many happiness studies indicate that friendships and community are the keys to a contented life.  In the later years of my marriage, with my job, husband and kids to attend to, I admit that I let my friendships take a backseat and I began to regret that.  For me it is crucial to have people to bounce ideas off of, to laugh and get silly with, and to share my deepest secrets and fears with.  Sex and the City is popular not just because of the open sex talk and the fashion.  It highlights the very real ways that friends enhance, expand and shape our lives.  I now have a group of friends that I love dearly and their role in my life cannot be overestimated.  They provide me with joy and the kind of deep love that I once experienced with my husband until our unrealistic expectations of each other led to resentment and bitterness.  Even my introverted ex hubby has admitted that he feels lonely without his family nearby and without a group of friends (I was the one to maintain the social connections and organize events with them).

I know that I am stepping into controversial territory, and I would love to hear the opinions of my readers on this subject.  Personally I think that a relationship is best served if both partners have a certain amount of financial, emotional and social independence.  One person cannot meet all of our needs.  We’ve always been told not to put all our eggs in one basket.  We need a variety of relationships, interactions and outlets to feed different parts of our personalities and interests.  We need time for ourselves, our partners, our families, and our friends.  Variety is the spice of life, and, as my girl Pink astutely notes, “You taste so sweet, but I can’t eat the same thing everyday.”  While that might sound like a manifesto for polyamory, she’s really just asking for a little space.

I don’t believe Adam and Eve

Spent every goddamn day together

If you give me some room there will be room enough for two.

It’s basically another variation on the Airstream idea.

Related posts:

1. A Room of One’s Own