I Get by with a Little Help from My Friends
Posted: January 22nd, 2013 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: joys, single life | Tags: friends | 19 Comments »
A bike trip to Martha's Vineyard in October
Several of my readers have written to me recently to ask why I have stopped blogging and to say that they have missed my posts. I am touched to hear that and regret that I haven’t written. Writing is a practice, and if you stop doing it, it becomes harder to pick back up.
Some asked if I stopped writing because I was going through a difficult period in my life. Frankly, the main reason that I haven’t blogged is that my social life has recently exploded. This fall I joined a single parents Meetup group that some friends organize, and I have met tons of new people and now have so many events on my social calendar that I am having a hard time keeping up with them all. There have been bike trips, apple picking, football parties, dance parties, and even a trip to a shooting range. These are fun reasons for not blogging.
A recent reunion with my ex’s family reminded me of how important my friends have always been to me. I hadn’t seen my former mother and sister-in-law in about seven years, since before my ex and I split up. I’ll admit that I was very nervous about seeing them after all this time. I wondered what we would talk about, and how they would react. But they were kind and attentive as always.
We spoke about their family, not simply because I hadn’t seen them all in so many years, but also because that is what they talk about. My ex comes from a large, tight-knit Puerto Rican family that has always been a bit insular (a word derived from island). At one point, as my sister-in-law spoke about her life as a stay-at-home mom, I asked if she had a good community of mom friends. She looked at me, almost startled by the question, and said that she has never had many friends. She said she doesn’t really have time for them or need them.
As the conversation turned to my life in Northampton and Boston, all I could do was talk about my friends. I felt like some sort of alien to them. And then it hit me. My ex husband came from them. He is quite similar to them. While he was attracted to me because I was the most outgoing and social girl he had probably ever met, eventually our differences became a point of contention. He didn’t understand why I talked on the phone with friends and family. He resented the time that I dedicated to my social interactions and connections. He would make fun of the time that I spent on Facebook. To be fair, he also admired me for having what he did not, but in the end, we were (and are) two different species, an extreme introvert and an extreme extrovert.
One of the aspects that I love most about my post-divorce life is the time that I now have for my friends. I am a very social person. I come from a super extroverted family. My mother recently had surgery and had about 20 visitors in the hospital in one day. I derive a lot of vim and vigor, as it were, from spending time with people.
At one point, my mother-in-law said to me something about “when you get married again.” It was a sweet comment that, I believe, was meant to put me at ease and acknowledge that I had moved on from her son. Yet it also belied her values. You get married. That is what you do. And while I loved being married and might someday find someone that I would want to unite with in that way, I also don’t see it as an inevitability.
My divorce class said that men tend to get remarried quickly because they have less social outlets and therefore rely on their mate to be their emotional support system whereas women, as they said, can bond in a bathroom with someone they have never met before. I used to desire a life partner, but the more that I think about it, the more I like just having a large network of friends. My life now is really a lot of fun.
you sure have added some spice to our group of “family of friends”
I loved this post! So much of what you said made sense. Though I’ve struggled creating a network of new friends for various reasons, your life sounds almost ideal. What what said in your divorce class is so on point. My Ex remarried (a woman he already knew from a group he already belonged to)and immediately was placed in the center of a social network without lifting a finger. I wonder (know) how he would do absent that ready made social circle and emotional support. He, too, was an introvert while we were married. Now that he’s married, he can be social without seeking it out on his own. Fascinating. My family is different. Sometimes it bothers me that my family never asks if I’m seeing anyone or encourages me to date. But after reading this it makes me think that maybe part of the reason why is, although everyone in my family got married, no one really sees it as a goal. We don’t talk about planning weddings or people who haven’t gotten married yet. We tend to talk about jobs, kids’ activities and sports, music. You’ve really made me think with this post. Thank you.
Roxanne recently posted..An Encounter with The Ex-Con Again
Glad to hear it, Roxanne. I love to make people think!
Thanks, LL! It’s nice to have a family of friends, isn’t it?
good for you, Molly!
hope you’ll keep checking in at your blog now and then, i always appreciate your posts.
:)
Marian recently posted..inaugural insight
Thanks, Marian. I’m going to try to make it more of a priority these days.
I love this post, Molly! And I especially enjoy your insights. Kudos to you for understanding where they were coming from instead of taking it personally in what could have been an uber-sensitive conversation.
So happy to hear you so happy! Of course, I had some idea… but always good to read more about it if you’re willing to write it. :)
xxoo
T recently posted..Lowering the Bitterness Flag; Raising the Flag of Surrender
Yay, you’re back! Glad to hear the long silence was for a happy reason. Vim and vigor you have aplenty. Fascinating how several years of distance from your former in-laws afforded you such helpful clarity and insight. Keep having fun and please keep blogging!
Cara recently posted..Pool Out, Zen Garden In
Great to see you blogging again Molly. I’ve missed your posts and have checked back often. Once again you’re right-on with your insights and so happy to hear you’ve sought some different and unique ways to cultivate new friendships. The ability to see how past relationships affect our new ones is also an important component of the journey. Hope to see more regular blogging from you as your explore this new aspect of your life.
Thanks all, for your encouragement. It does give me the motivation to keep it flowing.
I have been following your blog for a while. I am happy that what has kept you away is that you seem to have found your footing. Wonderful news! Inspiring. Thanks for sharing so much with us. :)
Thanks for this posting. I’m through the legal aspects of the divorce, and now I’m facing “the rest of my life.” I’m struggling to balance my time w/my 3 kids (ages 9, 7, and 4), and also build a life for myself. What I’m missing is friends that I see on a regular basis. So, your posting was somewhat inspiring. Please keep writing…it helps to know there are others out there.
Molly, it’s so funny, I was thinking exactly along these lines today, that while I keep seeking a partner, it seems I really thrive more when I nurture community and friend networks. They in fact are much more reliable for emotional and other support, if only because there’s more than one person to turn to! Also the variety of a good group sparks my thinking and creativity, and it’s just fun! Thanks for your post.
Love your heart – knowing yourself, and accepting, with tenderness, people who approach life so very differently than you do. I enjoy listening to your ever growing awareness and being reminded that learning and caring are always great choices!
Adrienne recently posted..Black and White Wednesday: Flurries
I could not agree more Molly. After being divorced three years ago, I found myself in a new relationship, uncertain and with more questions than answers, until I decided to put finding and maintain a great circle friends first. While the relationship took a backseat and still does at times, I find the relationship is actually better than ever and I am happier than ever. There is not so much pressure on the relationship, if it works out great, if not I have a fabulous circle of friends that I enjoy more than ever.
Thank you so much for this blog! you are wonderful!
Welcome back! I’m glad your absence was for good reasons. I’ve had a similar experience in the last year, spending more time cultivating real-life relationships rather than online ones. It’s been wonderful. You write about reuniting with your ex-husband’s family and realizing the differences between the two families. This strikes home with me, too, as I recently had to come face-to-face with my ex and his extended family due to a death. I thought of you and your blog and how you’d write about such a delicate situation. I look forward to your return to writing.
Middle State recently posted..The politics of divorce and death
“women..can bond in a bathroom with someone they have never met before.” That is SO TRUE. Glad you’re blogging again. Let’s have one of those infamous phone chats soon. I miss talking to you.
Barb-I’d love that! And yes, bathrooms are a special place for women :)
MS, I have missed you too and I just read your post and was thinking about you and how you felt at your mother in law’s funeral. Those bonds never sever. I’ll go comment over there.
Love this piece, glad to see you back on the blogwagon. :-)