If a Guy Tells You to Run, Do it.
Posted: August 16th, 2012 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges, dating stories | Tags: dating, relationship coach | 10 Comments »
In yoga class today, the instructor asked if we had the tendency to step in the same pothole every day. He was clearly trying to get us to reflect on any persistent habits that are obstacles to our happiness.
I have one. Well I probably have more than one, but one came to mind today. When I am getting to know someone, especially in a romantic way, I often ignore the things that they tell me about themselves. Since I tend to see the positive in people (I want to see the positive in people), when they say something disparaging or negative about themselves, I immediately assume that it isn’t true. That they are just being hard on themselves. That they have a skewed self-image. That I can see their true inner goodness.
Last spring, when I was working with relationship coach Sheila Paxton, she encouraged me to view my dates clearly, as they really are, not as I want them to be. She explained that my desire for a partner often leads me to create a fantasy about someone. Well, many good lessons take a while to sink in, and this was one of them.
The last man who hurt me once asked me “Wouldn’t your life be better off if I just went away and you never saw me again?” At the time, I thought he was being a tad melodramatic, and so I just laughed it off. But now I realize that he was speaking the truth. He knew himself better than I did, and he was warning me. But I thought I was a better judge of what was good for me. Plus, I liked having him in my life.
I am starting to realize that I do this a lot. One guy told me that he was depressed, and I thought, “Aren’t we all depressed at times?” Another guy told me that he was lost, and instead I looked at his academic pedigree and his impressive job. The list goes on and on.
In a very simple way, this is an issue of listening better. Yet it is also a question of accepting what someone tells me. Last night, a guy told me that he was probably going to scare me off. My first response was, “yeah, right,” but then I remembered to listen. So instead of brushing the comment aside, I asked him why he thought that. And I told him that when somebody tells me that, they are usually right.
I am now reflecting upon the numerous times that I have done this in my life, and I am hoping to change that habit, to avoid stepping repeatedly into that pothole. Of course, that man who said that my life would be better off without him was only partially right. It is now better off without him. However, at the time I clearly still needed to learn that lesson, so really, he was a gift.
But now I know, if a guy warns me off, I will heed his warning.
Why is something so obvious so hard to heed? This is FANTASTIC advice and absolutely correct. Smart lady!
An excellent reminder, Ms. Molly! Hope all is well in your world. Look forward to the next update.
Hey . . . what happened to my comment LUUUUVVVV?
Amy Gutman recently posted..The month of sitting quietly (Life Experiment # 8)
Sometimes that happens. and you have to check your feed on feedburner to make sure that it doesn’t have problems.
All the lessons that we learn the hard way … I’m glad you asked and I am glad you are listening closer to the voice within.
Ayala recently posted..The Magic That Was You
I read this when you first wrote it, and my mind has come back to it several times since then, so I had to come back in to comment.
You are so absolutely spot on here.
When I met my ex, he told me that he didn’t want to get married and have kids, and that he didn’t think he wanted to settle down. I thought he changed his mind and we got married, but he was clearly unhappy and since separating he has very quickly reverted to bachelor ways and I think he’s much happier post divorce, because we didn’t value the same things. We both would have been better off if we’d heeded what he knew. *EXCEPT: I’m so glad we got married and had our daughter. That made it all worth while. But now that I have my daughter, I don’t need to marry a guy like that again. ;-)
A dear friend is going through a nasty break up; same situation. He told her he wasn’t good at long term relationships, and six years in, he suddenly broke it off with no warning.
I am prepared to be a much better listener the next time around! I intend to learn from my mistakes and have a richer, fuller relationship experience as a result of that learning. (Crosses fingers, sends out a prayer….)
PollyAnna recently posted..New Year, New Me
Thanks for coming back and sharing, PollyAnna. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, isn’t it? However, each day I get a little wiser, and I listen a little better.
I do the same thing. I always have. I think because so many people I trusted when I was young turned out to be bad people, when someone now gets past all the initial radar detection and red tape I put them through, I want to believe they are good to go. All red flags, even those that are slapping me in the face, become rose-colored petals of perfection.
[...] her post, If a Guy Tells You to Run, Do it Molly shares this: Last spring, when I was working with relationship coach Sheila Paxton, she [...]
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’ve had this happen to me one too many times. Someone told me that when I guy says I’m too good for him that is a sure sign to run. He knows what he’s talking about and is right. But I ignored his subtle warning because I didn’t want to be lonely. What a mistake that was. I still have trouble sometimes but take better precautions. Like you, I want to see the good in people. But the reality is some people are broken and not ready for a relationship so I’m learning the lesson of releasing them to save myself.
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