Addicted to Fantasy

There is a great Sex and the City episode (yes, I love that show), where Carrie has plans for a first date with writer named Jack Berger.  He leaves a witty message on her answering machine (remember those?), and she declares to her friends that they are going to be very happy together.  Then she says, “I love that period before the first date when you can say that and really mean it.”

Fantasy can be one of the most enjoyable aspects of a romance, as we notice a few appealing characteristics about a man and then extrapolate a whole future with him based on the limited information we have.  I have always agreed with Carrie’s line because I love the excitement that a new potential romance holds.  However, my new relationship coach, Sheila Paxton, is encouraging me not to engage in this kind of fanciful speculation.

Why, you ask (and I sure asked it).  Because it clouds my vision.  She actually wants me to forgo even looking at a man and asking myself if he has long-term potential.  That was particularly surprising for me.  I know that I sometimes wear rose-colored glasses at the beginning of a relationship, but I thought that if I tried to choose a man who would make a suitable long-term partner, I would be taking a step in the right direction.  However, Sheila says that this is part of the fantasy as well because my desire to find a life partner could cause me to see a man not for who he really is, but for who I want him to be.

Instead, she wants me to approach dating like a scientist (not such a sexy term, is it?), collecting data on each man that I spend time with.  She wants me to make unbiased observations about each guy to see if he shares my core values (I am going to be doing a values inventory for our fifth session).  As a person that tends to make intuitive and instinctive decisions and judgments about people, my first reaction to this advice was, “I’ve never done it this way before.”  She cheerfully reminded me that the reason that I am working with a coach is to try a new approach.  And she’s right.

However, in order to adopt this approach, I am finding that I have to resist my natural impulses.  Being present in the moment isn’t hard for me when I am on a date, but before or after a promising date, I notice that my romantic enthusiasm tends to run wild.  When I feel chemistry with someone or have a fun or witty interchange, my mind tends to race ahead.  I feel like an excited teenager, who wants to make declaration about how great the guy is for me (a la Carrie Bradshaw).  Geez, I’m such a girl.  However, it just might be time to aspire to be an adult in romantic relationships.

On a final note, today my yoga teacher Brandon instructed us to “stay conscious and stay coachable.”  My work with Sheila is the first time that I have had a coach, and I am really enjoying the experience.  As Brandon gave me some really great assists in certain yoga postures, I realized that coaching feels analogous to his help, which allows me to explore the poses in a deeper way, in a way that I couldn’t quite get to on my own.  Sheila is giving me insight into some of my relationship patterns and helping me explore some uncharted territory.  I’m looking forward to seeing what unfolds.

Related posts:

1. Addicted to Love
2. Fantasy Take Two