Crisis Management

Posted: January 22nd, 2012 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges | Tags: ex-boyfriend, my ex | 10 Comments »

This past week, something very troubling and sad happened in our lives, something that many of you may have seen on the news. My daughter’s second grade teacher was arrested and charged with the possession and creation of child pornography. This event was disturbing on so many levels, but the one that I want to mention is that it made me question my ability to trust people, especially men.

Layla’s teacher was a truly amazing and dedicated educator, and the allegations against him made me wonder what secrets each of us is keeping. My faith in humanity was truly rocked. This man, whom so many parents and children adored, had a secret life that was not only illegal but also quite harmful to the same people that he professed to care about. The irony of this situation was quite painful and confusing for me.

Fortunately, a silver lining appeared in this incredibly dark cloud that was hovering above me. People started reaching out and demonstrating a tremendous amount of kindness. As is always the case, my Facebook community responded with overwhelming support. I disagree with the criticisms made about the superficiality of social media connections because my online community has buoyed me in several moments of turmoil, and their love and admiration for my response to this situation helped restore my faith not only in humanity but also in the role of the Internet in our society (very bad for the dissemination of child porn, excellent for social support). In addition, the parents at my kids’ school reached out to me, and we shared and bonded in a profound way that wouldn’t have been possible if not for a crisis that made us forget about our busy schedules and take time to talk to each other in a meaningful way.

In this difficult time, I want to mention two people who were particularly supportive to me, two people whose presence in my life I appreciate so much: my ex husband and Jon. When I first heard the news, my immediate reaction was to call my ex. It didn’t matter that we had just had a disagreement over plans for the kids’ February break about five minutes before. I knew he’d care. And I knew that he would listen to me.

I literally sobbed on the phone. The mere fact that we could turn to each other in a time of crisis was so important. No matter how much anyone cares about our kids, no one has the love and investment in them that we both do. As a divorced couple, we don’t get to share that daily. However, due to our peaceful relationship and continued friendship, we do have the ability to bond over the big things. It was very helpful for me (and for him too, I believe) to process this together.

Jon was another great source of support. I was really blunt with him about how this was coloring my view of men and eroding my ability to trust. He said something that might seem small to some, but spoke volumes to me. He reassured me that I could trust him. He reminded me that he had been honest with me from day one. As I had mentioned in an earlier post, sometimes that honesty seemed too much for me. I wanted a rosy, romantic view of him. Yet in this moment, when I was feeling a devastating lack of trust, I realized how right he had been. By being forthright with me, he showed me an integrity that not all people are capable of. And that felt really comforting.

So here I am, once again attempting to find the positive lesson in a very trying situation. My heart was deeply saddened by the news that someone that my family had admired and trusted had allegedly betrayed that trust. And it temporarily closed down. Yet the presence of so many good people (and I use that word deliberately) in my life ended up opening it up wider than it had been before.

Maybe now you can see why I work to keep my exes in my life. They enrich it in so many ways. And for that, I am extremely grateful.

1 Amy Gutman said at 5:03 pm on January 22nd, 2012:
Great post, Molly! And I love what you said about *both* exes.
2 Molly Monet said at 5:08 pm on January 22nd, 2012:
Thanks, Amy.
3 Marian said at 5:16 pm on January 22nd, 2012:
the whole situation is so upsetting, Molly. i’m so pleased for you and proud of you about how you are handling it, with your kids, with the important people in your life, with your community. i admire you. whew!
4 Molly Monet said at 5:42 pm on January 22nd, 2012:
Thanks, Marian. Like I said, it’s the bright side in a really ugly situation.
5 Tawni said at 7:05 pm on January 22nd, 2012:
I’ve been following whats going on in your life & your children’s school via Facebook. It’s so disturbing and disheartening that this type of thing goes on & the innocence lost for all the people whose lives were impacted. As usual I feel like you’ve handled & written about it with eloquence & dignity. Sending big hugs your way! T
6 Suzy Kirsch said at 10:16 pm on January 22nd, 2012:
I admire your attitude Molly. It is refreshing and a great reminder to look for the “silver lining” in tough situations.
7 Molly Monet said at 5:58 am on January 23rd, 2012:
Thanks, gals. It’s this kind of response that IS heartening.
8 T said at 12:13 pm on January 23rd, 2012:
I agree with you. We bonded with those people at one time and, more than likely, there is still a bond there. If both want to nurture and support it, then it will last.

Again, so sorry for all that you and your family have been through with this. We ALL have our secrets and, as you well know, some are easier to hear than others. Honesty is tough but necessary for trust.

Much love.
9 Stuart said at 12:14 pm on January 23rd, 2012:
I conducted a Presbyterian choir for ten years. Not being religious in any way, for me it was a gig. I felt a somewhat similar betrayal and confusion when it was revealed that the pastor was homosexual. Not that it would have mattered if he had been straight-forward with us (his wife sang in my choir!), but to hear about how he made a pass at a young man in the pool at an out-of-town convention, then the turmoil with the church heating up to fire him and find someone else became a crazy and confusing time. He had always been there for me and gave me many a big bearhug during my times of duress, and I remember thinking back to those hugs and wondering if they were 100% real, if you know what I mean.

But I really appreciate what you say about treasuring your ex’s—especially the mother/father of your children. “The mere fact that we could turn to each other in a time of crisis was so important. No matter how much anyone cares about our kids, no one has the love and investment in them that we both do.” So true. As hard as it once was, I now have a golden relationship with the mother of my son. Thank you for your post.
10 Michele said at 9:10 pm on January 24th, 2012:
Molly,
I am so sorry to hear of this. There is so much that goes through my mind when something that comes as a complete shock happens. It’s a shock on so many levels. I am glad your ex and Jon were there for you.