Change of Relationship Status

Posted: January 12th, 2012 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges, dating stories | Tags: new boyfriend, recent breakup | 13 Comments »

My parents recently celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They met on a blind date, got engaged three dates later, and were married within six months (three of which my mother spent alone in Europe). This kind of impulsive, romantic love has become a big part of our family lore. My sister and I were a bit more cautious, yet we fell in love very quickly with our future spouses and within months were living with them. I guess you could say that excitement and optimism over love’s potential is a family trait.

When Jon and I started our relationship, I thought I might show some restraint. I know that infatuation doesn’t always last and that it takes time to see if true compatibility exists. Yet Jon’s enthusiasm was infectious, and within mere weeks we were talking about moving in together. As we relished in our new found connection, we fantasized about buying a place, and he sent me real estate listings and spreadsheets on how we could afford them. We made daily Facebook updates about our amorous adventures. A month later I met his family during the Thanksgiving holiday. Two months later he came to California to meet mine. I was thrilled at the thought of having found a future life partner, especially one with so much energy, zeal for life, and dedication to family.

Yet as many love stories do, this one has come to an end. I think it started back in December when I noticed him getting more distant, distracted, and moody. When we were together, he was spending more time checking his iPhone and less time looking me in the eye. I tried to reach out and talk to him about it, but to no avail. I found myself playing a Joni Mitchell lyric over and over in my head, “I sat up all the night and listened to thee/ Just to see who in the world you might be/ And what you might mean to me.” In his words, Jon still showed the same commitment to our relationship, but I was starting to wonder if this was the kind of relationship that I wanted because I like to have a strong, constant, and intimate connection with my partner.

I spoke with my family and friends, especially those with spouses who worked long hours and traveled a lot to see how they dealt with the moments of separation and potential disconnection. I told myself to accept him on his terms, to focus on what I liked best about him and our relationship, and I tried not to give too much attention to my concerns. Yet I also set an intention at the New Year to gain some clarity on the situation.

When we returned to California, he brought up the question again of cohabitation. I said that we should think about it, and, as I often do when I am trying to figure something out, I blogged about it. I tried to imagine what our life might be like together. On Monday, after we hadn’t seen each other in a week, and hadn’t been alone in two weeks, I felt the need to talk to him about how I felt that we weren’t connecting. He didn’t know how to respond to me, clammed up, and said that he couldn’t talk at that moment since he was at work, which was understandable, yet it had been his suggestion to talk that morning.

Later that day, in another attempt to process my feelings, I wrote a blogpost about our past mistakes and how to avoid allowing them to ruin our present relationships. Ironically, it did just that. Jon felt very hurt by the post and wanted to talk to me about it right away. At that point, I was with my kids so it was impossible to talk on the phone for long. So we started an email and IM exchange where a lot of our feelings and frustrations were finally aired.

I took the post down and edited it. I sent it to a few close friends, asking for their input. I was having a really hard time understanding why he was so upset about what I wrote, then he got angry that I didn’t understand him nor show sufficient compassion and sensitivity. Then I got frustrated that he was so willing to talk about his concerns, when I felt that he had dismissed my concerns earlier in the day. We basically hit an impasse.

The next day, clarity came to me. We made plans for him to come over after the kids’ bedtime to talk. I knew that there were two options: that we were going to decide that we were emotionally incompatible or we would find a way to take some concrete steps to improve our communication and connection. He decided on the former.

This morning, as I drove my kids from a dentist appointment, a song by the Tedeschi Trucks band caught my attention on the radio. “I’m gonna learn how to love you. I’m gonna show you show me how.” I guess we never really learned how to love each other, at least in the way that each wanted to be loved. Yet is true love something we learn or does it come naturally? I don’t know, but I do know that I learned a tremendous amount about myself in this whole process. And I truly believe that I have gained a dear friend along the way because when I care about someone, a breakup can’t change that. I’ve had a change of relationship status (which Facebook has duly noted), not a change of heart.

1 T said at 2:43 pm on January 12th, 2012:
I could say so much about this… about relationships… about miscommunication… about shutting things off… about your strength and beauty in how you process things…

Instead, I’ll just say this:

Live. Love. Learn.
2 Molly Monet said at 3:34 pm on January 12th, 2012:
Thanks, T. That’s all we have control over, anyway.
3 Karl said at 11:32 am on January 15th, 2012:
Hey Molly, I am sorry to hear about the change of relationship status. I have to say, I just started reading your blog and I can relate to a lot in it, but this is a bit unexpected. May I give some piece of advice here, in such a case I usually recommend to wait a while till the dust settles, and then talk again. I do not understand why people want to give up so quickly these days. I think that this is a problem of our fast moving times. I honestly believe that one should start writing old fashioned letters again in these matters. Everything is posted on Facebook right away. Then it develops its own dynamics. May be not so good. (I stay away from Facebook for these reasons…. I know I belong in the last millenium ;-)
It looks like if that particular blog entry is part of the problem. Not sure what it was, but obviously it hit a nerve and I am wondering if it also was some sort of privacy issue. I am thinking about this problem a lot when I write blogs, and it could be a problem for me. I would feel very insecure, if all my friends read about a current problem as well, I rather discuss problems privately in person first. May be this is typical male?

In any case, the main message is that I honestly hope that you will try and fix things. It often looks different again after one had some time to think about it. You still love him, it is worth a try. Won’t you think?
Your fellow divorcee Karl
4 Divorced Mom said at 11:39 am on January 15th, 2012:
Thanks for sharing your journey Molly. And though I’m saddened to hear that you weren’t able to continue this particular journey in the way you would have liked, I admire you for taking the brave step to end your relationship. I have missed reading your posts and often find it ironic that your posts seem to fall in line with some of the things I’m experiencing in my own relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. He too works long hours and isn’t the greatest at staying in touch when he’s locked down working. Though we spend 4/7 nights together, with our respective kids and without, and often even more, and with family/friends, we haven’t even talked about moving in together. Perhaps it’s because if we did, we’d definitely have to make a major move to accommodate our children. We have both been divorced awhile so there’s nothing stopping us from this next step. Yet, at the same time, we still have a long way to go to merge our lives completely. The dating process was easy compared to what happens after that first year. This next phase is much more rewarding and challenging. Thanks again. Keep on bloggin’!
5 Michele said at 3:47 pm on January 15th, 2012:
Sorry to hear things didn’t work out. It’s so disappointing, at least it was for me when a particular relationship ended last year. I don’t think it’s the right situation if we have to try really hard at making it work.

Wishing you peace and clarity today. Michele
6 Molly Monet said at 9:04 am on January 16th, 2012:
Thanks for your comment, Karl. I don’t know why yours keep getting caught in my spam filter. I will be more careful next time with my use of social media. And I do relate to what you said about giving up so quickly. However, in this case, I think there may be extenuating circumstances that might make it better for us to be friends rather than lovers. My take is that he might not be ready for the kind of relationship that I wanted.
7 Molly Monet said at 12:17 pm on January 16th, 2012:
Thanks, Michele and Divorced Mom. I appreciate my reader support. I’m trying to blog more again, but my job takes up more time now. Thanks for your dedication.
8 Meg said at 11:32 am on January 19th, 2012:
Molly,

I just came upon your website and read this. I can relate to so much that you say. The need for clarity, the need for connection. But when I got to the part that you’d posted about him without talking it over with him, I felt sad. I know you didn’t mean to hurt him but I can see why he would be hurt. I think you need to be very careful with that. Not everyone wants to be written about. I know this because my father was a writer.

I hope that you two might be able to talk again, to have him know that it will be kept private. You have such an openly emotional blog, but I would feel exposed if my partner was writing in such a way about me. I hope you’ll understand that I’m not trying to criticize, just trying to have you see it from his perspective.

Best of luck to you.

Meg
9 Molly Monet said at 12:02 pm on January 19th, 2012:
Meg-

I totally understand where you are coming from, and this episode has definitely taught me a lesson. Even though he has always invited me to blog openly about him, there are always limits to that. I now realize that I was angry and hurt that he wasn’t willing to talk to me and so I chose to blog about it instead. I should have waited and given him another opportunity to talk to me. However, the whole thing brought things out in the open that were festering and needed to be discussed. So in the end, it brought us both to a better place.

We are still friends and I am glad for that. However, our subsequent talks have made me realize that the relationship was best as a friendship anyways.

Thanks for your input.
10 Double A said at 2:42 pm on January 19th, 2012:
As I was reading your post the line “but I was starting to wonder if this was the kind of relationship that I wanted because I like to have a strong, constant, and intimate connection with my partner” really hits home. I think for those of us where that intimate connection is so important it may be a non-negotiable. That is not something that can be learned or changed in a person, I think either it is there or it is not. I don’t think you can ask or expect a person to be more intimate, they either are or they are not.

As a recent divorcee, in my current relationship we have a very strong intellectual connection, we are a perfect match in almost every way except for the amount of touch I need and desire. Even thought I am a very strong and independent woman, I need to be loved, and cuddled. And I am beginning to think it is a deal breaker. His take on it is that most men fake this kind of affection only to draw the other person in.
Another quote from you also ties in nicely “There are people who could live on their own and be happy, and then there are people who needed the falling together, the daily work of giving and taking and talk and touch.” While I am adamant I never ever want to be married again I agree with you. “I think I like the talking and the touch too much to live alone forever.”
11 Molly Monet said at 4:48 pm on January 19th, 2012:
Double A-

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Have you heard of the book about the different love languages? It is interesting because it talks about how we like to give and receive love in different ways. Ideally, we would learn to give to our partner in a way that he or she likes to receive and they would do the same so that both partners’ needs are met. Talk to him about that and see if he can learn to fake it ’til he makes it :). Good luck.
12 Michelle Zive said at 7:30 pm on January 21st, 2012:
Molly-I love this post. It’s honest and revealing in a way that a lot of people, including John, can’t handle. Connecting to people is what you do. I have to say that the older I get the more I understand how much work it is to connect to people, especially the ones I live with. But this work pays off. I hope for you the best!
13 Molly Monet said at 7:45 pm on January 21st, 2012:
Thanks, Michelle. You do make a good point. Connecting is such a fundamental part of me. I need to be with someone who likes to do that too.