We Have No Secrets
Posted: January 9th, 2012 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges, dating stories | Tags: love after divorce, second time around | 19 Comments »
Okay, today I’m taking on an even tougher topic than co-habitation (if there is one more difficult than that). It’s the issue of our past mistakes and how much we share them with a new partner. Love the second time around is different because now we have a pretty colorful history. Some of it is wonderful, and some of it is, frankly, regrettable. Part of moving on, clearly, is learning from our mistakes so as not to repeat them. Yet, in order to do that, must we share, or confess even, our past errors to our new partners?
I tend to think that in the beginning of a relationship, you want to put your best foot forward and show what a great partner you can be. Of course, I am a huge optimist that always looks for the good in people, and I can be blind to people’s faults (which is usually a good trait). However, every now and then a voice of doubt creeps into my head and makes me wonder if history is doomed to repeat itself.
A year ago, I wrote a blog piece on this topic, but I never published it. Back then I was listening to my friends talk about their lovers. One friend was devastated to receive a phone call from her boyfriend’s ex-wife, regaling her with horror stories from their past. Another friend was concerned because her lover admitted that he had cheated on his wife, and she was fearful that once a cheater, one is always a cheater. Yet another man told me that he ended a relationship with a woman because of the problems that she had with her daughter. He was concerned that indicated that she would not make a good step-mom.
All of these friends are quite politically liberal. One works for a social justice organization; another is on the board of directors of a local anti-poverty group; the third is a therapist. As I heard them talk about their lovers’ pasts, I kept thinking, shouldn’t our political and philosophical beliefs dictate that we give them a second chance? If we are working for social change, shouldn’t we also believe that personal improvement is possible? Should marital infidelity or other relationship mistakes be a black mark on someone’s record rendering them as unlovable as an ex-convict is unemployable?
Yet now that it is me who is going through such a situation, I can see much more clearly why my friends were feeling insecure. I really do believe that people can change. I’ve seen it happen in myself and in others. I do think that we can learn from our mistakes and be not only productive members of society, but also skilled practitioners of relationships. In short, I want to judge someone’s potential by how he treats me now, not how he treated someone else five years ago. I want to be a compassionate lover who accepts and loves my partner despite his flaws (man, we all have them). Nevertheless, Carole King’s song “We Have No Secrets” keeps popping into my mind. “Sometimes I wish. Often I wish that I never knew some of the secrets of yours.” Followed by Sheryl Crow’s “Lie to me. I promise I’ll believe.”
So, my friends who are experiencing love for the second time around, how do you deal with this issue? How do you listen compassionately to your partner when they share difficult past experiences without worrying that they might come back to haunt your current relationship? How do you have an honest and open relationship without judging your partner? Is there such thing as unconditional love? I hope so.
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- A Room of One’s Own
- Traveling and Texting
- Be Here Now
- One Woman’s Trash is Another Woman’s Treasure
- Seeing with New Eyes
what I love most about this post is your phrase “practitioners of relationships.” thank you for that. :)
I met my current/2nd husband online .. and during the 2 weeks that we exchanged messages, we revealed it all .. the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright despicable. I even admitted that I had cheated in every relationship, except during my first marriage of 3 years. My husband had really only 1 thing to reveal, which intrigued me – didn’t worry me .. while the poor guy had to deal with alot of my past issues (along with my ex-husband, father to my older daughter). His ex-wife had cheated on him, so my previous cheating was for sure a concern of his .. and I work hard on assuring him I will never hurt him.
We were in love before we met face-to-face! We moved in together after 3-1/2 months and married 11 months after we had met. We’ve been together 11-1/2 years now .. and I really think it works because we got all the “stuff” out right at the start and then could move on to creating good/bad experiences of our own.
Hey Molly,
As an experienced divorcee (2x times, planning on No 3 in the far future :-), I would advice to share the previous experience openly (without the raging component). I think by sharing these previous experiences (good and bad) people tend to grow together. Afterall, relationships are about sharing, and I also see it as part of the “relationship work”. I am not a big fan of the concept not to tell the whole truth to protect someone, because I am convinced the “whole truth” will hit back at some point, and then it will hit with even more power. In all beginnings dwells a magic force, and this magic allows us also to share the difficult bits and bobs of the past.
Molly, thanks for this. Looks familiar! Paul and I were just talking about the fine line between honesty and respecting our need to learn from our mistakes without having to share our “colorful” past. We learn from our history and if we never process it we are bound to repeat patterns and habits. There are things I could have done without knowing, for sure. But as Karl says, “the whole truth will hit back at some point”. Do we need to know about previous sex lives ad that borderlines are great passionate lovers? Absolutely not! Do we need to know about each others’ regrets and mistakes? Yes! For me, I want to know that my partner is willing to take a deep hard look at how they contributed to the relationship’s failure. As far as my own contribution to that conversation? I think it’s far easier to air my dirty laundry quickly and get it over with.
Thanks for this!
I love your perspective, Molly, and share in your belief in personal evolution. We all make mistakes while “becoming.” However, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes unless, or until, we do the hard, humbling work of honest introspection.
With a new partner, I would look for evidence of that process, even though, like you, that’s not how I would choose to enter the relationship.
I’m really happy for you (and rooting for the best possible outcome). Thank you so much for the wisdom, advice, honesty and inspiration.
Oh I don’t think you need to confess ALL secrets but the big ones–infidelity, money issues, etc., I really think they’re the most important to reveal. How much worse is it to find out after you’ve invested a ton of time or had a set belief about them. Considering to move forward with cohabitation or other more serious relationship steps is the right time to start talking about this. Coming from you is so much better than hearing it second or third hand! Additionally, I learned so much about myself that I had no problem telling my now new husband where I personally went wrong rather than only focusing on what The Ex did to me. I think it’s fair that way. Yes, we all make mistakes. But it’s important to go into relationships with open eyes or else you’re blindsided when a problem appears later.
Diane-
Thanks so much for sharing that. It really helps me to hear another’s experiences with this. And thanks for your honesty!
Lisa-
You have pointed out something really important: evidence of change. I feel like honesty and sharing is the first step, but taking action to do things differently is the next one. Thanks.
For me, I tend to treat a potential partner the way I would want to be treated. I want to know the worst, and hear my partner’s perspective on the why and how they will or will not allow that to be a continuing part of life. I think this informtion probably happens past the point of initial infatuation (where we can easily dismiss important information) but before walking into a committed relationship (so we have all the facts in place and trust is established).
I have found that being known for my worst, and yet loved and accepted, is one of the most fulfilling parts of true relationship. I hope my partner feels the same. The freedom found in such is such an integral part of true intimacy for me.
Thanks, Marc! I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Let’s be in touch soon.
Missy June-
Thanks so much for this comment. You are right. It is powerful to be loved and accepted. I think I am struggling with the acceptance piece. I need to figure that out.
In my experience, no human is 100% predictable or trustworthy. We have two opposing drives deep within us that tend to confuse our partners (and ourselves): 1) I desperately need love, acceptance and a committed relationship; and 2) In spite of my desire to the contrary, my individual survival pretty much comes before anything else, so I can’t guarantee you 100% that I might not sometime turn on you if I feel seriously threatened by you.
There is probably a right time to share different things about ones self over the course of a relationship. When there is extended communication via e-mail, instant messaging, or text messaging a lot can be said that might not be said so easily in person. At least for me that’s how it has been. I do think its important to be honest and up front about the big stuff in your relationship past, at least as best as one understands it. My perspective of my role in my divorce has evolved and I suspect may continue to do so. Really though, I try not to give all of this too much of my energy. I really try to live in the moment, enjoy the time we have as you never know when your time here will be done. I have had several people, not close to me, but in my church family or friend of a friend, who have died fairly suddenly and unexpectedly. For one it was an accident; the others it was a terrible diagnosis that gave them a 3 month death sentence. I don’t mean to sound morbid, but this has just been such a very real reminder of my own mortality. Today could be my last day. None of us knows. For me I want to enjoy the love and the sunshine in my life today and not expend too much energy worrying about tomorrow.
[...] that day, in another attempt to process my feelings, I wrote a blogpost about our past mistakes and how to avoid allowing them to ruin our present relationships. Ironically, it did just that. [...]
Molly,
Just thinking of you today and hoping all is well. May you have a great weekend!
You are so kind. Sure, I’m sad and tender, as is always the case with the passing of a relationship, but I know that this will lead to something better. It always does. Have a great weekend too!
[...] he had been honest with me from day one. As I had mentioned in an earlier post, sometimes that honesty seemed too much for me. I wanted a rosy, romantic view of him. Yet in this moment, when I was feeling a devastating [...]
[...] my attempt to wrestle with the demons of my partners’ pasts, I wrote a piece called “We Have No Secrets,” which touched a nerve for a lot of people. In that post, I was trying to work out some of my [...]