A Proper Apology
Posted: December 3rd, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: tips for a peaceful divorce | 6 Comments »
Jon and I have a new term that we have been using: “second time around.” It is a play on one of the lines that I put in my online dating profile that I like a man as I like my clothes: stylish, gently used, and previously loved. It is also the name of a vintage clothing store chain in Boston where he recently bought me a little, black skirt.
As divorcees with kids, Jon and I are both conscious of the fact that we are experiencing love for the second time around. There are both pros and cons to this, as we certainly don’t have the blind, innocent infatuation that we did the first time around. However, the self-knowledge that comes from the introspection that we both did after our marriages fell apart is, frankly, priceless.
We are both aware that we want to do things differently and better, obviously, and as a result, comparisons to our previous spouses are somewhat inevitable. Such a comparison came this week, when we had a little bump in the road, and fortunately for me, Jon came out smelling like roses. The conflict arose after we returned from our Thanksgiving road trip in which we traveled to Philadelphia, New York City and Vermont, where I got to meet two of his three brothers and his ex-wife. It was wonderful trip, so good that I didn’t blog about it because it would be too saccharine for my style. You all know that I like a good conflict to overcome and learn from, and, well, I got one.
I won’t go into the details of the fight (something has to be private, right?). Suffice it to say that we returned from this really great trip where we got to experience some wonderful intimacy, and on Monday morning, Jon mentions to me this really petty thing that I do that, well, annoys him… a lot. And it’s something that I can’t easily change. He brought it up because in his version of second time around, he is trying to be more honest and deal with conflict more openly instead of stuffing things inside where they might fester and explode. Ironically, though, my marriage taught me the opposite because I felt like I told my ex too many things that bothered me about him, thereby hurting his feelings. Since then, I have been trying to let more small things go and appreciate Jon, instead of discussing issues to death.
In a nutshell, Jon was trying to do what he thought was best for our relationship, but I felt judged and hurt, and it made me retreat and close up my heart a little. However, Jon handled the situation really well. He apologized profusely for hurting me and acknowledged that it was his issue. Then he sent me a dozen roses the next day.
I was really touched by this gesture and by his attitude in general. In the past (here comes the comparison), I felt like my ex never really apologized when he did things that hurt me. He would say that he was sorry, but there was always a caveat attached to it. There was usually a justification about how it was really me who brought the issue on. To be fair, I’m sure he would say that I did the same thing. Yet from where I stand here and now, post-divorce, the second time around, I am extremely appreciative that Jon was able to give me a pure and unadulterated apology.
The conflict, which at first made me question our compatibility, in the end brought us closer. Not only was I impressed with his ability to make amends, but I also felt even more intimate with him. I allowed him to see some of my vulnerability and insecurity, and he accepted me nonetheless. Dealing with our tension also forced me to admit that he is a man worth fighting with, and for (sorry for the dangling prepositions, Jon.)
In short, I learned that sometimes a little bump in the road makes you appreciate the smooth ride afterward.
Related posts:
- Making Love Bloom
- The Woman Behind the Blog
- Much Ado About Nothing
- Weeding through the Detritus of My Former Life
- Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
Apologize. Don’t explain; apologize. Don’t rationalize or justify or beat around the bush; just apologize. There will always be conflict but resolve it and resolve it immediately. As an addition to that, I am reminded about a few things I discovered about touching: Argue but hold hands. Debate but keep touching. Fight but remain in contact. Break the physical bond and you risk breaking the emotional bond?
Relationships: The power of touch
What is it they say:You have to know how to fight to have a good relationship? So happy you have a ’second time around.’
It sounds like you have found a great thing and I am so happy for you. Enjoy!
Yep, I hear you on the “second time around” thing. Another thing that my man and I do is point out when the other is reacting as they would have done towards their ex. We’ve both used the phrase, “I am NOT your ex”, in the middle of heavy (*ahem*) discussions. It really helps us to stop and see the person in front of us as they are now… instead of reliving issues of the past.
Those past relationships really are a blessing, aren’t they?
How wonderful, really! I am still not a fan of my aching, vulnerable heart, 4 years (!!!) into my “new” relationship, but I am learning to be present in this relationship in a way I simply couldn’t in my marriage. It *almost* makes me feel grownup. (And boy, I remember that first holiday without my son; so so hard! Glad you got to have some fun.)
Ah, the second time around. For me it meant such a lovely affair, almost as if it was the first time. But then I was reminded I was a mother of two, I’d been down this road before, and I was in my late thirties. Maturing into a relationship means looking at the warts and all, and still wanting to be with that person. And I’m still with him eleven years later lovely warts and all! Thanks for sharing and reminding me.