I’d Do It All Again
Posted: August 29th, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges | Tags: anniversary, my ex | 10 Comments »
On this day in 1998, I got married to the man I loved. It was a very special ceremony with just 36 guests on the top of a cliff overlooking the confluence of the Russian River and the Pacific Ocean. I never felt more in love or in sync with another human being as I did that day.
Thirteen years later, we are no longer together, both maritally and geographically. I woke up this morning from a terrible dream in which we had had a huge fight. It was so realistic that I had a tension headache and tightness in my chest. I felt very powerless and angry.
Many of my readers tell me that they would like to have a peaceful and loving relationship with their exes, but that they can’t seem to connect with them or even like the person that they chose to spend their lives with. I can understand that feeling. Since the move to Boston and the conflicts that it has stirred up, I too have experienced those emotions. As I see my ex from afar, I wonder sometimes how we could have ever loved each other as much as we did. We have such different temperaments and personalities. Even my son recently told me that he couldn’t imagine us ever being married.
Last night I watched a melodramatic movie called “Bandslam,” in which the teenage protagonist is raised by a single mom, after his father goes to jail. Despite having a supposed SOB for a husband, the mom says to her son that she would do it all again in a heart beat because it led to the birth of her beloved son. Of course I feel the same way. I have these two amazing children who are smart, sensitive, funny, and very loving.
However, my kids are not the only reason that I would marry him again. Despite the pain, conflicts and inevitable loss, we also had some wonderful years together, and he has greatly contributed to the person that I am today. He taught me that I could love someone so deeply that he seemed like an extension of myself. With him, I learned to share my life, my goals and my dreams. I’m not sure that I would have made it through the intense and isolating experience of graduate school without his companionship and support. In short, he is woven into the fabric of my life even before we had kids.
And I certainly learned about myself through the tough times as well. I think we both see where we made mistakes and are trying to do things differently now. Trial and error are powerful teachers. Sometimes in our striving for achievement, we forget that.
So today, when we would have been celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary, we will be briefly crossing paths at an Applebee’s off of the Mass Turnpike instead as I pick up the kids from him. Nevertheless, I celebrate this day and the wonderful gifts that it has given me. I love him still, and thank him for his mark on my life.
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Molly, your sense of perspective is…refreshing. Sometimes within a marriage that’s necessary, and hard to come by.
Thank you for writing your story. I will always read it.
Galit Breen recently posted..The Magic of a Few Days Away
Thanks so much, Galit. I’m having a hard time find much time for writing these days, but I’m getting a story or two in when I can.
Ah…sometimes I feel this way when I see my ex-, and sometimes I feel deep bitter frustration at how the entire decade that was my 30s was scarred by our marriage and its collapse. Guess I’m still working on that. ;-)
Of course he looks different now than he did before. You’re in different places and you’re no longer projecting who you’d like him to be, right? Besides all of the history and things they can do to push our buttons! LOL!
Great post, Molly. I agree. Why regret anything that once made you smile?
T recently posted..Distrust means You forgot who You are
Hi, Molly, as a happily married to my (first ;) husband woman, I often don’t relate to your posts, though I do respect your point of view and struggle to maintain the peaceful parts of your relationship in it’s new definition. I know this move has been tough and I wish you only the best in your new locale!
(And, this is a crazy nit picky thing but I got married in 1997 and had my 14th anniversary this year, so this would have been 13 for you.)
Shawna recently posted..Pick A Peck
Anniversaries can bring lots of emotions to the surface, at least for me. Its still amazing to me how one day you can feel so down about the whole divorce thing and the next day be back in the game again and feeling well and healed for the most part. I guess it’s just life of a divorced person.
Thinking of you today.
Michele recently posted..Silence
Hello, Molly. I sense from your last couple of posts how difficult this move has been on you and the family. Huge hugs to you from California!!
Thanks, Joy. It’s fun and tough all at the same time. Definitely a time of growth.
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