Camping with My Ex and His Girlfriend
Posted: August 4th, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges | Tags: my ex, my ex's girlfriend | 29 Comments »
One of the things that I appreciate about having this blog is that it serves as inspiration to me when I am feeling frustrated at my ex and ready to throw in the towel on the peace process. Such a moment happened this morning when an article on my blog came out on the front page of my local paper, the Hampshire Gazette. It was a really lovely piece that, unlike the New York Times article that quoted me, felt like it faithfully captured my spirit and my perspective on divorce. It couldn’t have come at a better time because this weekend, I wasn’t feeling so peaceful because, well, I ended up on a camping trip with my ex and his 27-year-old girlfriend.
Like most bizarre events in life, it wasn’t supposed to happen. Some old friends of ours, who like all of our couple friends stay in touch with me rather than my ex, had invited the kids me and to go camping with them in Rhode Island. They had made reservations for three nights, and I could only go for two of them because I needed to get to my new apartment in Newton to start painting the kids’ rooms. So I suggested to my ex that I go with the kids on Friday and Saturday nights and that he join us on Sunday and stay the night while I headed north.
He liked the idea and even texted our friends to ask if it was okay to bring his girlfriend. My friend called me first to see if I was cool with it, and I told her that it was my idea because I was leaving early. She was happy with that and said that her husband really wanted to see my ex. So it was settled. So I thought.
A week or so later, while I was knee-deep in packing boxes at my house in Northampton, my ex and his girlfriend stopped by to drop off my daughter and announced to me that she was trying to get Saturday night off from her job so that they could come a day early in order to enjoy the delicious menu of gourmet food that my friend Stephen had planned. I was caught off guard. The girlfriend was right there, and I was too involved in my packing to really react or even process it. I told myself that this was the vision that I had for us anyway: to take vacations with our new partners.
Well, after this weekend, that vision has changed. A friend of mine joked that we were like Demi Moore, Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher, just without the money. I realized that maybe it would be fun to be Demi, but I didn’t really like being Bruce.
I was very uncomfortable having the two of them around. It started with having to watch her on the beach with her young little body in a bright orange bikini. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. Even though I do hot power yoga five times a week, my body has still succumbed to some of the ravages of time. I don’t want to eviscerate myself on this public blog, but suffice it to say that cellulite and sagging have occurred despite all my best attempts at fitness. It’s genetic.
Things got worse when he started rubbing sun block onto her. I tried to avert my eyes, but it was like a car wreck that you can’t avoid staring at no matter what the damage may be to your psyche. His hands on her torso are now burned upon my mind.
Before I go on, let me remind you all that I don’t want him back. People often ask me that because we get along so well, but I am happier post-divorce. As much as we loved each other, it has become very clear to me that we are temperamentally so different that it is impossible for us to be happy together as romantic partners. Nevertheless, I spent 13 years with him and seeing him intimately touching another woman was too much for me to take. As was later in the evening, when she called him baby and sweetie and held his hand. For lack of a more elegant term, it was yucky.
My reaction? I wanted to leave, but then I felt bad about that, especially because I knew that the kids were having a great time with me there and really wanted me to stay. Also, I wanted to prove that I was this cool peaceful divorcee. Nevertheless all I wanted to do was pick a fight with him. To scream at him and ask him why the hell he had decided to bring his girlfriend to camp with me when we had conveniently arranged a way for us to be there at different times. I really wanted to let him have it.
I am usually good at finding a way to be happy no matter what the situation is, but this day and night were a major challenge for me. I have to say that I didn’t ever completely turn my mood around. Instead I white-knuckled it. I gritted my teeth and held my anger inside.
Normally I have some insight to share with you all about how I found a way to look at the situation from a different perspective. This time, I believe that my big victory was simply not going ballistic when I wanted to. I did notice one small thing, though. My ex also seemed uncomfortable with the situation, and the few times that we exchanged glances, he appeared a bit pained. I interpreted that as a bit of compassion.
At one point, my iTunes played one of our favorite songs, Iris Dement’s “Our Town,” which was the song that accompanied the final scene of Northern Exposure, a television show that we adored and watched together in reruns almost every night for about six or seven years. The words were particularly poignant for me this time “Don’t you know that the sun’s setting fast. And just like they say, nothing good ever lasts.” We had a good relationship once—a really good one—but it didn’t last.
I made it to the next morning separated by a thin tent wall from my beloved ex and his girlfriend sleeping together. Then I hightailed it to Newton, where I was greeted by a bottle of champagne, a welcome card and a gift for the kids from my new landlady. I realized that it’s time to celebrate my new life, 100 miles away from my ex and the house that we once shared. I won’t reject our peaceful relationship because as luck would have it, the Gazette article about me entitled “Still a Family” came the next day to remind me that I do cherish our friendship. My blog is a constant reminder for me to walk my talk. Nevertheless maybe it’s time to do so with just a bit more space between us.
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I have to admit it makes me feel somewhat better to read this. I always read your posts and think “ugh…she’s just so much better than me at all of this!” No matter how hard I try it just sucks! But this post….this is how so much of our interactions go like because his ridiculous girlfriend is always freakin’ there!!!! I’m sorry the weekend was a hard one for you. But you did make me feel a bit more normal.
Oh, I am human too! Please don’t read my posts as me being superior. Just think of them as possible inspiration ;). Yes, the addition of an extra person makes things complicated. It’s hard enough just getting along the two of us. There is no normal. We are all just trying to find our way! Thanks for your comment.
Wow!! I really respect your honesty in this piece Molly. As a fellow upbeat optimist I take pride in being able to see the silver lining. It’s not always easy to admit to myself (never mind a popular blog) that finding equanimty in the face of stress can be struggle! Congrats on the new place, and the space it brings! Looking forward to seeing you tonight :)
Molly, gosh girl I felt you pain. But you made me chuckle at the hot bod of the 27 y/o. I’m 29 and would have probably envied her too!
Your vulnerability draws me right to you! AND I think it is a HUGE victory to not “go ballistic” under those circumstances. Holding our anger in ‘situationally’ so that it doesn’t hurt others, and then finding an outlet for it when appropriate so that it doesn’t eat us up inside is so hard to do. I’m pretty good and not going ballistic…and pretty bad and finding the right outlet for those negative emotions. Great write, as usual! Thanks!
I LOVE this post Molly. I had to giggle too! It’s difficult to watch any sort of intimacy between someone you once pledged “to death do us part” and someone else…. no matter how peaceful you are with each other!!
I give you kudos. I’ve had to re-examine my own ex and his girlfriend feelings after something that happened recently as well. Now I’m doing my best to be the mature one despite my ex’s non-communicative ways…
Always keeping our best foot forward for our kids, right?!
xxoo
T recently posted..10 Survival Tips for Long Distance Relationships
Oh wow. What a nightmare! Even after 8 years apart, I don’t know if I could watch my ex- rubbing suntan lotion onto another woman without getting a little tense! And, dear God, at 27-year old woman, at that. No one is that saintly, Molly. You did a great thing just to keep the peace.
I think about this sometimes from the other side too when I’m with my husband and HIS ex-wife. My husband’s very affectionate, and I just think it would have to grate on her a little to see it, so I try to keep a little distance. I don’t think he “gets” it, but I do.
Molly – A recent conversation with my daughter served to remind me one more time of the importance of what you are working so hard to have with your X. The situation sounds uncomfortable and yet, you made it through and your kids may have sensed something but the over all outcome was that you were all there, together, and that the friendship is solid. Divroced, married, or what hve you – that relationship betwen parents is so important. Just ask the kids that don’t ahve it and want it – it is that relationship that they key in on… between their parents. Thank you for your honesty and for reminding me that I am not alone in the desire to give my daughter a different model of what her parents can be.
This couldnt have come at a better time. It’s a perspective that I need to hear to help keep my thoughts in the right direction. After a year and a half separation, of which I was still holding out hope for, (I know, it sounds like an un-godly amount of time) my husband of 12 years finally uttered the words divorce and with that came a “woman” friend. To think of going to the grocery store at times is a step I cannot take for fear of seeing them. So to read your words and be reminded that these unfortunate but inevitable encounters are not fatal, I find a small ounce of comfort. With grace and a grin and bear it attitude we can make it through these uncomfortable encounters as long as our children see the feeble attempts of calmness and kindness for peace. As always, thank you for your words.
Wow, Molly. You are a saint. I would have lost my mind as soon as I saw the 27 year old girlfriend wearing her orange bikini. I feel you !
ayala recently posted..To Be Human
You’re hot. How hot? I found out you’re red chili pepper hot. And I’ve seen your picture. – If I may offer a different perspective, that is, youth is wasted on the young. You have experience, education, personality and an undeniable charm in your Zen-like approach to life and love. Then again I have always appreciated an older woman. Hmmm, but right now I’m older than you so that could make you my 27 year old. *chuckles* I think a cougar these days would be… what, 70? *laughs* – I can’t speak of the emotions evoked when seeing one’s ex with another person, but as for the ravages of time, I can say that I’ve seen your picture: red chili pepper. :-)
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Oh Molly…I was feeling the discomfort as I read your post. Some times I just wonder why I have to work at it (whatever it is I am thinking about- diet, relationships, etc) every day or nearly every day. Sometimes I just don’t want to! This would have been one of those days, but you are the bigger person and rose above what you were feeling. You may not be feeling great now but you know you would have been feeling TERRIBLE had you had a slip of the tongue.
Hope you are getting settled in your new plade and are liking your surroundings. Take care…Michele
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Thanks for all the great comments, guys! Clearly this post struck a chord with people. I think that seeing your ex with another person is perhaps the most challenging part of divorce.
I’m no saint, Ayala. I think that my desire to go with the flow unwittingly got me into this and then I struggled to keep from being pulled into the undertow. But I’m feeling better now and I learned from it all.
Billy Boy, you are too funny! Thanks for the compliments and the blogger flirtation. Perhaps I was a bit hyperbolic when I mentioned the “ravages” of time :)
I think camping as a first trip with the Ex and his partner is waaaaaay too intimate. There is just no opportunity to get away. No chance for your own space. The act of camping with friends is meant to create a situation for profound togetherness and intimacy. Like you said, only the thin wall of a tent to seperate you. If you ever do it again I would suggest a larger group, a hotel room on another floor and opposite end of the building.
Oh yes, Barb. It was way too intimate and never my intention. Space has been great for my relationship with my ex so it goes double for my ex and his gf.
Oh Molly! How awful that you had to endure that. Sometimes, all you can do is grin and bare it; and this time, you’ve done it so well. Sometimes our exes (or in my case, my husband) can be so callous. We have to close our eyes and remember thay DO indeed have endearing qualities (or the marriage NEVER would have lasted so long). I don’t know what your ex’s girlfriend looks like but I can’t imagine she is any more beautiful than you are! You are an inspiration.
Joy recently posted..Stick and Stones
Oh this sounds hard. But, onward.
It probably bumps along, these things & you know eventually, you may all end up somewhere together (perhaps with walls not tents) separating you & find it okay. SOMEday. No need for soon.
Thanks, Sarah, for being the eternal optimist of togetherness.
Distance sounds like a good option – there really is no need for you to have to grin and bear it and watch rubbing of suncream and cute moments.
I met my ex’s latest girlfriend the other day, he hadn’t warned me that she was at his place but as it turns out she is moving in. I just hope she’ll be good to my kid and treat him fairly. At the moment I don’t have a whole lot of respect for my ex for various reasons…
I have read and reread this piece, and my reaction every time is “oh, thank God”! I am trying so hard to build this laid back approach and demeanor with and about my ex, and I study your blog like it is a how to manual. And I stumble and screw up, and wonder why I can’t manage to like the person I chose to be the father of my children and pledged to love way back when. I tried (prob too hard) to be all laid back about his g/f, and I do like hef, but it is still icky and odd to see them togethrt
I have read and reread this piece, and my reaction every time is “oh, thank God”! I am trying so hard to build this laid back approach and demeanor with and about my ex, and I study your blog like it is a how to manual. And I stumble and screw up, and wonder why I can’t manage to like the person I chose to be the father of my children and pledged to love way back when. It is a journey, and I only hope it gets easier. You give me hope!
Katie- Don’t be too hard on yourself because there is no right way to do this. And it only makes it harder if you are judging your own reactions. I find that when possible, if I concentrate on what I do appreciate about my ex or his gf, those aspects become my dominant focus. Yet it’s always a process and some days are easier than others.
I think it is always tough to completely embrace your ex’s girlfriend only because no matter what, you still remember the intimacy that you once had. Seeing him have it with someone else is tough. I like my ex’s girlfriend a lot better when my ex isn’t around.
I just read this post right before I was about to unsubscribe to your posts. Then I changed my mind. I too am divorced and trying to remain “friends” w/ ex mostly for kids sake. Sometimes we truly are friends. Others I just can’t believe the person he has become and at the same time never grown up . I am also sort of friendly with his girlfriend but I never socialize with them. I would be gagging inside if I did. I almost never go anywhere with him and kids together either that just to projects a family unit where that was ended with the divorce. I know it is a hard thing to do. All the past drama is over but occasionally something comes up. I admire your position and wish you well and embrace this next part of your life.
I’m sorry your camping trip was so, er, white knuckle. That said, I’m also relieved that you admitted to your totally normal feelings but kept them in check during the experience. Your children will have fond memories of the camping trip and you get to carve out a new life in your new home/town/job.
P.S. I cannot access the article without a subscription.
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Molly! Thank you again for being so open and honest about your feelings. You’re helping so many people by doing so. I’m sure I would have had the urge to grab the suntan lotion and whap my ex upside the head with it. Hugs and kudos to you for keeping it together.
You are a saint. :)
Hi Molly, I realize I’m late commenting – just catching up after vacation. I admire that you were able to pull this off with grace and dignity. That being said, I do think it’s unreasonable to expect you to silently endure a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. I don’t think there’s any shame in knowing your limits and being confident enough to give voice them. I’m all for keeping your ex as part of the family but I think it’s up to you to set the scene for successful interactions.
best,
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[...] cause of our breakup, that fact is almost a moot point. After receiving so many comments on the post about going camping with them, I realized that most divorced woman experience that same sense of pain, regret, and anger upon [...]
You’re totally awesome! Just keep it up :)
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