Why Keep the Peace?

Posted: April 26th, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges | Tags: anger, ex husband, keeping the peace | 17 Comments »

This Christmas my dad made very thoughtful gifts for my sister and me. He took our work and published stylish, bound books. My book, of course, was a compilation of my blog posts. It’s a beautiful, coffee table book with glossy photos and high quality paper, and well, my daughter Layla has fallen in love with it. She’s six and reads everything she can get her hands on. She’s pretty precocious and, like her brother, seems to have an amazingly mature understanding of human relationships. Or maybe kids just get things that we adults don’t because they aren’t caught up in social conventions.

I’m not quite sure how much of the book she has really read, but the other day she says to me, Mama, my favorite essay in your book is the one called “50 Ways to Love Your Ex.” It’s an appreciation list about how great I think her father is. It’s not surprising that she would love to read about that, and it proves what I have always believed, that kids want to think that both of their parents are wonderful and love each other.

Today one of my oldest and dearest friends got a little mad at my ex husband’s actions and commented that she didn’t think that he deserved my efforts at keeping the peace. In a lot of ways, she is right. He doesn’t. In fact, when I think about many of his past actions, I can get pretty darned pissed off myself. Yet, if I had based my behavior on what I thought he “deserved” or tried to punish him in some way for leaving me, we wouldn’t have the peaceful and loving relationship that we have now.

A friend recently tweeted me some divorce advice that said “Kids fare better if one parent takes the high road than if neither parent takes the high road.” In other words, it doesn’t matter if my ex deserves my love and acceptance because my kids deserve it, and Layla’s comment to me only reminds me of that. They adore our continued friendship, and you know what? So do I. I feel like a better person for taking the so-called high road and putting aside my anger in favor of peace. I deserve to feel love in my heart rather than resentment. I feel pleased that I have learned to be more patient and forgiving with him. In a nutshell, I am proud of my actions and of our peaceful divorce.

In the end, I also know that my ex deserves my love too, and my friend eventually admitted that she knows that he has a good heart. I am an optimist and I enjoy seeing the best in people. Despite his flaws (and let’s face it, I have my own too), I also see so many lovable qualities him.

So, if you are like my friend and are wondering why I strive to keep the peace, the answer is simple. I do it for my kids, yet I also do it for myself. While I have my brief moments of hating him, it always feels better to love him. Although he can be petty and ill-tempered, he is more often kind and loving. So that’s what I choose to focus on, and I have never regretted it.

I just found a quote from the Buddha that seems fitting for this post: “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” Thoughts?

1 ayala said at 8:15 am on April 26th, 2011:
I think it’s great to be able to keep the peace-for all of you. Molly, when you forgive you are the one better for it because you are free of the negative emotions. By the way my son, Josh, also gave me a nicely bound book with my posts which I love. Once in awhile I see Daniel picking it up and reading. :)
ayala recently posted..Doubt
2 Molly Monet said at 8:31 am on April 26th, 2011:
Ayala, you are absolutely right. A friend once said that anger is an acid that eats away at your insides. Kids are wonderful (and curious).
3 Barb said at 12:28 pm on April 26th, 2011:
You know how much I admire your commitment to peace and taking the high road. I am truly grateful for you my friend and have indeed taken many lessons from your peaceful relationships! XO
4 Molly Monet said at 1:17 pm on April 26th, 2011:
Of course, dear! And I appreciate you standing up for me. Your point was a good one, though, and one that I imagine many divorcees ask themselves about their exes. xo
5 Emily Rosenfeld said at 1:56 pm on April 26th, 2011:
I can’t remember who said this but I love it: “A grudge is a burden only to the one who bears it. The target of our unforgiveness goes on in life unaffected.” As you said, you do it for your kids, but you also do it yourself. Best of luck!
6 Barb said at 2:14 pm on April 26th, 2011:
One of Sierra’s favorite quotes is by Nelson Mandela – ‘Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.’
7 Rebecca said at 2:39 pm on April 26th, 2011:
Love the Buddha quote especially. Truth!
8 Molly Monet said at 7:24 am on April 27th, 2011:
I love all the quotes. Barb, that is one of my favorites. My mom always used it but I didn’t know it was from Nelson Mandela (or maybe he just appropriated it).
9 redheadstepmom said at 7:56 am on April 27th, 2011:
Molly, I get something new every time I read your blog. Thank you for giving voice to your skeptical friend – who speaks for many. And, after you acknowledge her (my!) skepticism, showing why you stay on course. You are an inspiration!
10 Molly Monet said at 8:53 am on April 27th, 2011:
Thank you Redheadstepmom! I think you are right. My friend expressed what others were thinking either about my ex or their own…
11 Jon said at 9:36 am on April 27th, 2011:
Hey Molly- really nice…..
12 Beverly said at 9:50 am on April 27th, 2011:
To borrow from Tina Turner and my therapist, “What’s love got to do with it?” Truly nothing! It’s such an old-fashioned notion that if someone loves us enough they will behave a certain way or do the things we want them to do.

Our children are the best example of this. We love them fervently AND they often behave in ways that leave us short on patience and long on anger.

Aside from love having nothing to do with it, our partners did the best they could (yes, even with cheating, drugs, what have you) and so did we. You can’t expect a tiger (wink) to act like a lion. Yet that rarely stops us from trying to get them to and then getting angry when it fails.

If they COULD have done better, they WOULD have done better. And, so would have we. You can’t rewrite history except in novels. No couldda, shouldda, wouldda. Reality is reality. It happened. (Now what?)

Better we let go of the anger so we can begin to heal and forgive them as well as ourselves. Life is too short to do anything less.

Better we ask ourselves why we got in the mess to begin with and put our energy into that instead into anger for someone behaving exactly as they did/do/will (again and again).

Better to work out options (where possible) that don’t back your ex (or your children for that matter) into a corner or in a position where they are bound to disappoint. (If they do, let them work it out (again where possible) and pay the consequences of their actions. Get out of your ex’s business where you can SAFELY do so, even where your children are involved.

Better to figure out a way to love yourself enough that you wouldn’t desperately grasp at being with a tiger when what you really want is a lion by your side.

Better to look at what’s stopping you from experiencing joy in this very moment. Can you let go of your attachment to your story that it’s anyone other than yourself? If so, you will be free to make choices that are truly good for you and walk away (not in anger) from those that aren’t.

Better to show your children that you are capable of getting along with people who are difficult for you since we are often graced with these “perfect” teachers and opportunities to demo to our children how evolved (graceful and equanimous) we are becoming. ;-)

Better we learn conflict resolution skills, because aside from picking a “somebody” out of your desperate fear of being ALONE, you likely got to where you are today because neither you nor your ex learned how to deal with conflict in a way that wasn’t damaging. There are lots of great techniques out there but they all start with listening, something that’s horribly difficult when we all we want to do is defend our position.

Better I quickly tape this to my refrigerator for the next time I find myself sliding down the slippery slope of expecting anyone other than myself to behave the way I want him/her to do!
13 Lee said at 5:03 pm on April 27th, 2011:
I keep the peace, but when you are dealing with high conflict ex spouses, that is not always so easy. You can’t give up yourself in order to keep the peace when you are dealing with high conflict. From what I’ve read, you have not had to deal with that, and you are very lucky for it. I do deal with it and have ALWAYS taken the high road. But, not to the detriment of my OWN mental health, which my ex would try to steal away in a minute.
Lee recently posted..Money Talks—2nd Time Around by Suzanne Cramer
14 Molly Monet said at 6:43 pm on April 27th, 2011:
Lee, we have had some moments of high conflict, unfortunately, but since my blog is not anonymous, I don’t discuss them. Luckily, we haven’t had that in a couple of years.

I agree with at times you have to protect yourself and I have always done that. Yet responding to anger with your own anger only brings you both down. Keeping the peace doesn’t mean kowtowing to an abusive spouse. I think keeping the peace means finding peace within yourself, which would always contribute to your mental health. Luckily you are a strong woman, and your ex could never steal your faith in yourself.

A friend of mine analyzed my blog in her blog recently and interpreted peace to mean trusting in the inherent goodness of the other person. Despite my ex’s moments of high conflict, I have always known that he is a good person who just has moments of anger. This has worked for me, but it might not be the mentality that others would find right for them.
15 Lorene said at 11:34 pm on April 27th, 2011:
As always, I feel inspired by your post. Thank you!

@Beverly… you said “Better we ask ourselves why we got in the mess to begin with and put our energy into that instead into anger for someone behaving exactly as they did/do/will (again and again). ”

That is exactly what I’ve started doing. I just wish I would have started doing it a long time ago. :)
16 Molly Monet said at 9:42 am on April 28th, 2011:
Beverly, I absolutely agree! Thanks for all that wisdom and insight.

“Better to show your children that you are capable of getting along with people who are difficult for you since we are often graced with these “perfect” teachers and opportunities to demo to our children how evolved (graceful and equanimous) we are becoming. ;-) ” I really resonate with this one. One reader criticized me for what she saw was me not standing up for myself and therefore not teaching that to my children. I think that I am modeling for them that it is possible to still love people who at times can be unlovable. To me, that is a wonderful lesson that I have just recently learned myself.

And yes, I agree with both you and Lorene that it is better to focus our attention on ourselves than to try to control the actions of others, which are, let’s face it, uncontrollable.
17 cj Schlottman said at 8:27 pm on April 30th, 2011:
Molly,

I so applaud your ability to co-parent with your former husband. You two are rare in that ability, I fear.

All too often, parents have hurt each other so deeply that they cannot get past that pain. I know it’s not always a day at the beach, but you are, truly, putting the children first.

Namaste……….cj

PS – Thanks for your comment on “Skye.”
cj Schlottman recently posted..Baby Skye