The Man in the Middle
Posted: April 23rd, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges | Tags: communication, holidays, humor, my ex's girlfriend | 37 Comments »
Yesterday I spontaneously asked my ex’s girlfriend to have coffee with me. It made sense, really, because she was watching the kids in the morning after my ex left for work, and so instead of picking them up at his apartment, I suggested we all go to a local café. A few months ago, she had extended a similar invitation to me to meet just the two of us, and it really helped warm things up between us. I thought that I should make more of an effort to get to know her so I returned the favor, even though we did have the kids in tow.
While we were having coffee, my son mentioned that they were doing an Easter egg hunt on Sunday morning at his place. I was surprised to hear this because my ex and I had a long text exchange about the plans for Easter, and he told me that his girlfriend would be working all day, and that I should make plans for it. I then asked him if he thought it was necessary to do an egg hunt. He said he wanted to do one at my house in the afternoon. I knew that they had decorated eggs with her so I asked if we could use some of them for the hunt. He said no because they had blown the insides of the eggs out and were planning to make a tree out of them. He requested that I dye more eggs with the kids today.
Some of you may be thinking that of course the kids need an egg hunt, but frankly Easter just isn’t my thing. I am not religious so I don’t go to church. I can’t stand ham. And don’t even get me started on Peeps. The last few years, we have dyed eggs and then eaten all the rainbow-colored egg salad that we could stand before throwing the smelly leftovers out. In addition, the kids already got a mountain of candy from their godmother who visited two weeks ago. So suffice it to say that I’m just not in the Easter spirit this year.
As a result, I was actually hoping that he and his girlfriend, who have the kids every Sunday morning, would do the egg hunt, and I would just make a nice springy dinner (We’re having fish and artichokes). Yet, somehow, in that whole text exchange, my ex failed to communicate that they were having an egg hunt and now I had promised the kids that we would dye more eggs (yippee, more rainbow salad and a mess on my kitchen table).
So this afternoon, we finally got around to dying the eggs. We went to the market at this apparently incredibly late date and they were out of dye (can you believe that?), so we bought some egg spinner contraption that spins paint onto the eggs and actually makes less of a mess. Layla and I were doing the eggs and enjoying ourselves, but we couldn’t finish them all before I had to leave for yoga, so I suggested that my ex continue them with her since he was there to pick up the kids. Well, he shot me a withering look and said no way. So I told him that I had been stuck with this job because he had failed to tell me that an egg hunt was already being scheduled for his house. Basically I got annoyed about the miscommunication, which then caused him to get angry at me for being annoyed. The whole thing was ridiculous.
However, it did lead me to a realization that I think may just be brilliant. While he has done an admirable job of communicating with me as a co-parent, communication in general has never been his forte. And now, he’s stuck in the middle between two women and, at times, is forced to not only be in constant communication with each of us but also be the intermediary between us. In other words, he’s the man in the middle, having to know what the plans for the kids are and convey those plans to each one of us. So the light bulb goes on for me—here comes the brilliant part—that I should eliminate him in the conversation and just communicate directly with her.
Now maybe this idea isn’t so revolutionary. Maybe biomoms and stepmoms communicate all the time or maybe they have nothing to do with each other. I’ll ask some of my stepmom friends on Twitter to weigh in on this issue. Yet, it seems so simple to me. She and I have a good relationship. We are both women and therefore more communicative, right? We are the ones that are doing the holiday planning. My ex just follows our lead. So maybe the man that connects us doesn’t have to play such a central role. Maybe the man in the middle could become superfluous. As much as I love my ex, I just have to grin at the irony of that.
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If any of you are stepmoms, or have stepmoms or are divorcees that are remarried, do share your stepmom-biomom stories with me. I’m just a newbie and would love to hear them.
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Hi Molly,
I think you’re on the right track for the wrong reasons.
When your ex doesn’t communicate with you or forgets who’s doing what when, and you are operating under a different set of plans or understanding, bypassing him doesn’t solve the problem.
Using his girlfriend as your “go to guy” will work until you cross her boundaries. Ultimately, these aren’t her kids. They are yours and your ex-husband’s. When the two of you can learn to better deal with parenting as divorced parents and resolving some of the parenting communication, you’ll find things to be easier.
I caution this only because my ex-wife-in-law bypassed my husband and for about 2.3 seconds I thought it was fine until she leaped from discussing schedules to telling me I had to give her money blah blah blah and I can tell you my eyes crossed.
My advice: All three of you need to be clear on schedules and holiday plans. The sooner you can get to this point, the better.
Hope this makes sense and is useful.
Peggy
Peggy, thanks for your input. Luckily I can tell you that she and I won’t be asking each other for money. She’s a good egg (sorry for the pun). Our lives are becoming more intertwined as we contemplate making a move to another city all together, and I think she and I can benefit by having more of a relationship on our own. Although, clearly there are parenting decisions that only he and I will make because, as you say, they aren’t her kids. I’m not seriously considering getting rid of him. This post is partly humorous too.
I agree with Peggy- you should be mindful of the fact that she has boundaries you aren’t aware of.
But I also think it’s s great idea to add her to the “parenting team” so to speak and include her in your (plural) communications. I would LOVE it if my BF’s ex would elevate me in such a manner. In my case, I’m generally more concerned with such issues than my boyfriend… I have a need to know a schedule and he’s comfortable with “whatever”. In that way, I think I’m more like his ex and therefore more considerate of what her plans might be as well as how holiday plans might effect each household. I think I could be a helpful asset to communication club. However, I wouldn’t want to operate outside Boyfriend’s awareness.
Great perspective, Tara. I think she would be thrilled if I included her more in the parenting team, as you say. Like you, she is an asset, and she is very much invested in my kids and likes to be included in our family. He and I have already spoken about involving her in our Friday night family dinners (she usually works those nights).
I loved running into you all there!
My closest friend (who lived in our house for nine years much of the time) went & fell in love & got married (i introduced them, fair since he introduced me & my dear hubby). it was a hard transition. The result though? His kid & my little one are best friends, his stepdaughter & my eight year old are like closefriendcousins (we collapse their names when referring to them) & his wife is such a good friend i may well talk to her more than i do him, but i love them all. Maybe like the open adoption wish for more love is more love the same is a nice hope for new/old spouses’ partners.
sarah Buttenwieser recently posted..Happy Two Years Standing in the Shadows
Molly, I have an amazing relationship with my husband’s ex (my ex wife in law) so I’m speaking strictly from my experience. Is it sometimes easier to coordinate yourselves? It can be. Take baby steps, build trust. Understand that there are conversations that may cross boundaries. It’s taken my EWL and me 5 years to get where we’re at. And as far as the mom / stepmom relationship we’ve reached near nirvana. :-)
Molly, first of all I hope your Easter gets better. Then I have to say that you are fortunate that he has a girlfriend that you can communicate with. And you should take advantage of that and communicate with her more often. I have seen cases where it was the opposite and it made life difficult for everyone. When it comes to holidays make a plan that works for all of you. Blessings to you and yours :)
ayala recently posted..Blessings
Thanks, Ayala. We’ve worked it out and it will be be a fine day. You are right. I am grateful that she is so wonderful and I do appreciate that every day. I think that we still are trying to find our groove as far as friends go. I think that our communication will organically develop as needed. She will be at our son’s birthday party next weekend and that will give me more of a chance to talk to her and get to know her.
Great to know that Peggy!
My ex and his girlfriend live together and I am happy that my kids have such a great step-mom. I always make sure that she is included in things involving the kids from parent-teacher meetings to soccer games. She and I do bypass him to make plans but I always go to him first. If I don’t make sure that he is involved to a certain extent, he is the type that will sit back and “let the women take care of it” and I won’t let him get out of his responsibilities that easily. As a general rule, we seem to have found a good balance. I know that you will too; just do what feels right for your family.
Kat recently posted..Snakes and Boys
Sarah, I knew that you of all people would appreciate seeing us together. I’m sure enjoying the more love is more love camp.
Thanks, Kat. I never thought about how that might let him off the hook. Their relationship has just gotten serious recently so that has given me much more incentive to become closer to her. You are right. We will find the right balance. Like everything else in our post-divorce life, it’s a matter of trial and error. But we won’t know until we try.
I never had to deal with that, as my ex’s wife stays out of all plan making. But, I agree with Peggy. You and he are the parents, and what if she doesn’t stick around for the long haul? Have her sit in so she knows what is going on, but when it comes to the kids, the planning should be done between the two of you. Her input is necessary, but not fundamental to the planning.
You know that saying…there are too many cooks in the kitchen? I think it can go that way with parenting as well. Too many cooks putting in input and nothing ends up in in the oven!
Lee recently posted..The Child Support Dilemma – A Father’s Perspective by Andy Flink
Thanks, Lee. I agree about the cooking. I’m not planning on discussing parenting issues with her. That would be “too much” for me, but I would be interested in more communication about plans that affect us all. Frankly, even my ex and I don’t do much talking about parenting unless it’s something super important. That’s one of the reasons that we get along so well. We don’t give opinions about each other’s parenting, except to express appreciation.
It occurs to me that perhaps the best way to have dealt with the Easter planning was just to do what I enjoy doing, which is cooking dinner. Next year, I think I won’t even consult with my ex about the rest of the festivities. The kids will be fine if they have one, two or even no egg hunt. Things always turn out best if I just follow my own heart.
Hi, Molly!
Even before my ex and his wife, Sherry, married, it dawned on Sherry and I to eliminate the middleman (my ex) and communicate directly. While we all three expressed comfort with the idea, alas, it hasn’t panned out that way in practical terms. The dynamic with us is that I’m the Organizer/Scheduler/Planner, which means that unless my ex has work travel plans that conflict with our parenting time schedule, 99% of emails generated between us originate with me. I’m usually the one requesting a schedule change and requesting that Mike or Sherry pick up the girls from school (or meet us at the school for pick up) because I have a meeting at school or because I am traveling. Both Mike and Sherry are self-proclaimed forgetful types, and while they welcome my reminders, I’m not very comfortable giving them; I feel like a taskmaster, or at worse, their parent (though in this regard, Sherry did tell me to think of her as a kid, lol!) So while I might send my ex a reminder, I don’t tend to send them to Sherry. And if the ball gets dropped on their end, I’m much more comfortable saying something to him about it than I am to her. She and I get along great, and I guess I just like keeping our relationship in a certain lane.
So, even if I know that the schedule change I requested involves her, I still consider him my primary contact, and I hold him ultimately accountable for the girls’ being picked up or met at the bus stop or whatever.
So to answer your question…yes, Sherry and I are both women, but she and my ex are much more similar in terms of being forgetful. And I can say this with love because they both admit it! :-) So in terms of scheduling/planning/coordinating, it’s not easier for me to deal with her. Sherry’s expecting their first child, and we joke that, between the two of them, their daughter is going to be stranded at school many a day, and she’ll have to call Auntie Deesha to come pick her up! :-)
Deesha recently posted..Indianapolis Co-Parents Meet-up!
Oh Deesha, I always love your attitude, gal! You have such a good spirit and wisdom. Thanks for sharing all that and giving me something to think about!
Well based on the stories I hear from some of my friends it sounds like you are ahead of the game. I have a few who have such acrimonious relationships with their ex-spouses….
Jack @ TheJackB recently posted..If Life Ended Today What Would You Regret
Jack, it’s great to hear a man’s perspective. Yes, since I have a good relationship with my ex, I am trying to also forge a good relationship with his girlfriend, even before she becomes an official stepmom.
I find all this conversation so amazing! My parent’s split when my younger brother was in college ~ and fundamentally weren’t married for a good 10 years before that. Even though we were older, ANY kind of attempt at communication would have been so helpful. Now, frankly, as “kids” we are left holding a very uncomfortable bag. My own daughter’s highschool graduation was the first time my parents had been together in my presence, since they had split some 20 years earlier. And, for me, the day was sooo hard…I was sick to my stomach for days. So, I say BRAVO to every step that demonstrates to your children kindness, acceptance and a heartfelt willingness to work together on THEIR behalf. It lets them be kids, and not ever have to shoulder the emotional responsibility for their parents…Even the “error” in the trial and error, is WAY better then no trying at all! And I want to join the more love is more love camp!!!
Okay, I’m back…this time wearing my stepmom hat. Totally different experience for me. My husband and I coordinate schedules and communicate extensively about kids’ appointments, holidays, school events, travel, etc. By the time he communicates with his ex about things that impact their parenting time schedule, we’ve already hashed it over. On the occasions when she initiates a conversation about a schedule change, he will discuss with me if there’s anything that impacts “our” schedule, and then get back to her. She and I rarely communicate directly, about anything, and this is her choice. I believe that logistically it would help my husband immensely if she and I communicated directly, and he would welcome that. However, their co-parenting situation is pretty much a cold war, so communication in general is at a minimum.
I wish I could communicate with her directly. If that were possible, my bonus daughters would benefit, and I believe she’d see me as less of a threat.
Deesha recently posted..Indianapolis Co-Parents Meet-up!
Thanks, Adrienne. You always provide an interesting perspective, this time as the child of divorced parents. All the studies I have read about divorce is that children often feel like they lose their childhood and have to step into adult roles because their parents aren’t acting like mature people when they are in such conflict. So yes, my kids will be kids and I am glad for that.
The attempt to forge a loving relationship with anyone is always a good step. And yes, join the more love is more love camp with us! It’s very inclusive and welcoming camp!
In fiction writing, there exists a sub-genre known as “alternative reality,” defined as “The exploration of how the world would look today if various changes occurred, and what these alternate worlds would be like.” Examples: What if Hitler had never been born? What if the South had won the war?
Molly, I read your blog knowing it’s non-fiction, but it allows me fantasize applying your relationship paradigm to my life, and escape into an alternate reality of my own: WHAT IF Bio-Mom was a reasonable person?” It’s an appealing, if unlikely, scenario.
BM has her own alternate reality, describing her mother as her co-parent, diminishing the role that (joint-custodied) dad plays in their boys’ lives. If she believes his role is insignificant, then mine is non-existent. My contact with her is minimal, and in the 5 years I’ve known the kids, I’ve NEVER communicated with her directly.
Until yesterday.
When she picked up the boys Saturday, I gave her an agenda for Take Your Child to Work Day (to which she had previously agreed), wrote “Step” in front of “Child,” wrote a request on the agenda to switch a weeknight to avoid a long commute on that morning, slipped the agenda inside a book I thought she’d like, and mentioned it out of range of the boys.
This felt like a Really. Bold. Move.
And I don’t know what the outcome will be.
I think communication like that you describe can only happen is if it’s initiated by BM, with support from dad. And THIS can only happen if all parties are comfortable and secure in their respective roles, and can assume the best of each other. It gives me hope to know that in others’ universes this does happen, even if it doesn’t occur in my own.
Thank you for your blog.
redheadstepmom recently posted..redheadstepmom- I wish the New York Times had an every-other-Sunday delivery option stepmom schedule
Wow, you’ve got some great comments here. I love this idea.
I will have to try to work with my man’s ex but she’s so… grrr… controlling. I think she’ll drive me crazy but *breathe* I’m more willing to work with her than he is. We’ll see.
And my ex’s girlfriend is still new. We’ll have to see if she’s in the picture for a while. If so, yep, I could definitely see us doing the same thing. :)
Great post, Molly.
T recently posted..Mission Accepted- Be a better Me
Deesha- I love how you call them bonus daughters! I would love you up if you were my ex’s new wife, but we all have different styles now, don’t we?
Thanks for sharing, Redheaded Stepmom. I love the idea of being your alternate reality. I am the divorce porn for my married friends so I might as well be your stepmom fantasy.
I like your bold move! I hope she notices it before it’s too late for her to act on it.
Thanks, T. I did get some great comments. I’m glad I solicited some comments from my Twitter friends. Now I’m writing a follow up piece on what I’ve learned!
Controlling isn’t the easiest to get along with, is it? Breathe, baby, breathe.
I communicate a lot with my kids SM. She is easy to communicate with but we only discuss general pick-ups and minor details. The majority of the time I am communicating with my ex for most things. I might arrange things with him and follow up with her just to confirm. (she texts, he doesn’t and neither email) most of our communication is via phone. Ugh.
With my husband and his ex, we are similar to Deesha in that my husband and I discuss all things and land on dates, times, schedules etc. Any communication he receives that I need to know about regarding dates or times, he will forward and I will add to the calendar.
It would hurt, in my opinion, to follow up with her to confirm dates, times and activities but I do think getting your ex to a place he is managing the schedule better is the best thing. If a ball is dropped because he has failed to communicate, then maybe he will do better next time.
Loved reading all the feedback you got on this post and I love the support we have via social media. :-)
[...] weekend I wrote about a miscommunication that I had with my ex over what he and his girlfriend had planned for Easter, which left me thinking [...]
Thanks for sharing, Amy. I realized later that he didn’t know what his girlfriend had planned but didn’t want to admit that to me. So that’s where the communication broke down. It’s a work in progress and I am sure we will figure it out.
You are right. It’s great to have support from the social media.
This doesn’t sounds all that dissimilar from my Easter, which I agree, is sort of a useless holiday. However, I do have 36 (yes, that would be two 18-packs) of white eggs in my fridge. We never got around to coloring them. Unfortunately I despise egg salad! I’ll have to try deviled eggs. : )
I think it’s fabulous that you’re connecting with your ex’s girlfriend. The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t really work out. But the best that can happen is huge – lots of great things can come out of it that would benefit the kids, and frankly, make your life a lot easier!
Traci Whitney recently posted..How I survive school vacations as a co-parent
First, sometimes I hear these stories and I get pissed at Hugo’s continued selfishness and I think he doesn’t deserve all of your constant accomadation of his moodiness and being annoyed over every little thing. He can be a real dick sometimes. But, he is Jonah and Layla’s father. Plus, your growth at patience and being non reactive is so utterly impressive. I am amazed by you.
Second, playing the other side here I think it’s a terrible idea to cut out the middle man. This could cause some big triangulated tensions because when he screws things up he may feel like he is being double teamed by you and his GF. I could see him blaming you for creating strife between he and GF. I could see her also feeling torn between her desire to want to be on your good side and her desire to be loyal to her partner. Plus, he won’t want to feel cut out.
What Peggy (@1) says rings true to me. Take your communication with GF slow and in babysteps. Seems like you are already doing it to some degree to arrange pick up/ drop offs. Maybe it can happen more organically (yet with a lot of thoughtfulness).
All in all though, bravo for a great post that gets at the complexities of post divorce co-parenting. How to deal with new partners in the equation has got to be one of the more challenging situations. The good news is YOU get to model the way for this which bodes well for when you have a new spouse.
Thanks, Traci. I’ve found that hard-boiled eggs with chili paste and fish sauce are yummy :).
What a great post Molly! And I also love hearing everyone else’s experiences about trying to deal with similar situations, which, in fact, aren’t always so similar. Even more, I’m encouraged by everyone’s attempts to keep trying to make it work even when it’s difficult.
Most of all Molly, I agree with the comment you made a bit later — that you should spend time with your kids doing the things you and they come up with together. Nothing builds resentment like agreeing to do something because its what your ex or his gf thinks you should do!
Being early in this process — with an ex’s gf in the picture who I have a good relationship with but who is not involved at this point in coordinating the kids’ activities — I am both heartened and a little scared by this conversation. :) But I am confident that all three adults involved have the best of intentions, and I’ll be trying to keep focusing on that as we move along. Thanks everyone!
[...] one of my oldest and dearest friends got a little mad at my ex husband’s actions and commented that she didn’t think that he deserved my efforts at keeping the peace. In a lot of ways, she [...]
I also have mixed feelings about giving the dad and “out” from his responsibilities. But I have an entirely different experience and perspective, too. I’ve only been divorced a year and my ex’s new mate is the one he cheated on me with. Top it off with the fact that when this was all going down, she and I had some not so nice encounters. Now I just can’t get over that stuff so easily. I just had this conversation with my ex not long ago. HE is who I am co-parenting with. I’m happy he has her (due to some health issues on his part) and happy that the kids like her, but as far as I’m concerned, I’d still rather she just be seen and not heard when we meet to “exchange” the kiddos. I just don’t know how to get over it. Hopefully time will help.
Krissy recently posted..My Little Vintage Heidi Girl
Krissy, I can totally understand where you are coming from. Just yesterday my ex announced that his girlfriend has moved in. He never even spoke to me about it ahead of time. That is making me question his communication and certainly we need to work more on that. So upon reflection, I definitely won’t be taking him out of the equation nor communicating directly with her.