Alone and (Not Always) Loving It
Posted: April 4th, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges, single life | Tags: being alone, family | 14 Comments »
There is no denying it. Divorce makes you feel lonely sometimes. It can acutely underscore the realization that you are all alone in the world. This is how I have been feeling lately, brought on by the fact that my ex and I are considering applying to jobs in places where I have no friends or family (Boston, DC, Philadelphia, Upstate New York, etc).
I know it’s a little crazy. How can I feel alone when I will be making this move with four other people (my two kids, my ex and his girlfriend)? Because my ex has his girlfriend for support, and I…Well, I will have to start out from scratch, from nothing, unless I win the jackpot and end up in California with my family. I know I shouldn’t jump ahead and worry about these things, but this whole process has me feeling like I wish I had someone in my corner, someone’s strong chest to rest my head against.
On Saturday night, with no plans in sight, I went home from yoga feeling sorry for myself, and frankly I hate self-pity. So I called my sister. My sis and I have a pact. We always pick each other up. We know each other so well that we can usually choose the right words to have an almost instant impact. I was therefore surprised when she said, Aren’t we all alone really? I asked her who took my sister and would they kindly return her to me. Then she tried a spiritual argument, but spending a Saturday night with Baby Jesus just wasn’t doing it for me. Yet at least that had me rolling on the floor with laughter. She was getting closer.
Then she brought out the big guns. She reminded me that no matter what, I had three very special people in my life who were on my team and would always take care of me: my father, my mother and her. Mind you, these are no ordinary people either. These are the warmest, kindest, most upbeat, most energetic, funniest people that I have ever met. There is a long line of people who want to join our family. Together we are blessed in ways that we sometimes take for granted. But when the chips are down, these three people will come through for me. I really needed to hear that. She reminded me that I had a lifeline; that they wouldn’t let me drown.
I guess that’s what I always thought my spouse was for, but luckily now that my spouse is unable to perform that function, I have come to realize that my family is there instead. In fact, now that I think about it, my ex never played that role for me. He hated it when I was down because it made him feel down too. When I felt like I was drowning, he was usually going under too.
We’d all like to think that we have that one special person in our lives who is our biggest champion. Yet all along, my champions have been my family, and they still are. I was very grateful to my sister for reminding me of that.
After our chat, I went upstairs and climbed into my bed: my comfy, wrought-iron bed with a memory foam mattress that I so adore. I turned on the TV and found the perfect comfort movie “Sex and the City 2.” The ironic thing, though, is that this movie is all about marriage. In fact, when I saw it in the theaters last year, I remember thinking, Yep, marriage is a bore, Carrie and Big have lost their spark, just like so many long-term relationships do.
However, given my current state of existential crisis (yes, I am being a drama queen and laughing about it), I found myself envying their relationship this time. It actually looked comforting to come home to the same person night after night. Maybe I’ve progressed and am ready for another life partner. Or maybe I’m just feeling a little frightened by my impending change. I mean, is there really a man who would want to watch Sex and the City 2 in bed with me on a Saturday night? Maybe being single still has its privileges.
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Well, you know I’m in a long distance relationship and STILL have these same feelings. It’s especially challenging because he’s going through his own depression and I’m trying to be his champion.
You’ll find your spark. Thank goodness you do have so many in your corner.
Thanks for sharing your most vulnerable moments with us… as well as your strongest. ((hugs))
T recently posted..Life Labyrinth
Thanks, T. You know a thing or two about vulnerability. It’s nice to have our online connections to bolster us from time to time. xo
I have been alone most of my adult life and all of my dd’s life.
It can be a downer but mostly only if I let it. I would rather be miserable alone than any of the bad relationships I see.
I have no sisters and have no go to friends for my low moments. Gotta be strong alone.
Part of the reason I started this ID & name on Twitter. I know God has me on this journey just me and him for a reason.
My baby is growing up and gone more than she is home. It is my life to live without a focus like it has been all these years.
What ill my story be when finally someone interesting comes along? Blogs full of pining? Nope!
I got fun and talents to rock. I bake, I cook, I craft, I have my cat. I minister on line.
I’m a catch hidden away aging and improving in the cellar of life like a fine wine or cheese. Awaiting the reveal.
SingleMamma4God recently posted..Did I Enable A Crisis
Molly,
Your sister is so right. During my divorce and after my wonderful parents and brothers were the best support system in the world. As you noted (and I sometimes forget) not everyone is as lucky as we are to have such great families. Just knowing that they will always have my back has kept me going through many dark days. Although I’ve remarried, I still cherish the knowledge that my family will always be there for me. I know my husband means well, but he doesn’t have 40 years of history behind him, plus my first marriage definitely taught me that marriage isn’t always forever, no matter what we want it to be.
PS – It may be hard to imagine right now, but one day, after you’ve been back in a long-term relationship for a while, you’ll start to miss being alone! :-)
You are lucky to have such an amazing and loving family. There is no one in my family I could call upon for true comfort. There are those who’d listen with heavy judgment and there are those who’d write a check, but no one to just be there. I’ve learned to be OK with aloneness when it comes my way. I’ve also learned that I don’t have to pass on this family legacy. I’ve strived to be the family to my children that I didn’t have growing up.
Also, I look back on my single time post-divorce as a wonderful time to reclaim my identity and change the course of my life.
MomZombie recently posted..The sweetest thing
Molly, you are blessed to have a great family, but I do understand that you want a partner to go through these things with. It makes things easier -sometimes. I think you are always so positive and upbeat that you definitely have earned the right to do some complaining, no one is a perfect human being :) even though you come close. I will keep my fingers crossed that this move will be a good one for you and your kids.
ayala recently posted..I Remember
Juliana and MZ, it’s great to hear the perspective of remarried divorcees. I feel that way too, like I know this is a great time for me to be alone with me. I have done so much growth and self-exploration that wouldn’t have been possible.
Now that almost four years have passed and we face this new uncertainty, I feel just a lonely. Nevertheless, its better to be alone that poorly accompanied. My sunshine man will arrive eventually.
Ayala-
You are so sweet. Yep, its not easy for me to share my dark thoughts. I feel so much better being upbeat. I’ll get back there and I know this is time for big growth and wonderful gains.
I am so with you, Molly. I cannot imagine how I would get through life without my sister and parents, even with a wonderful, supportive husband. He will never know me in quite the same way they do. Oh . . . and Jolie Zimmerman is in DC heading the DOJ’s Terrorism Division for the Northeast region. Kind of awesome. And, she’s super fun and single. We always have the greatest time catching up when I’m there.
Well, Laura, we are lucky to have such great families. You make a good point. There are interesting and fun people to connect with wherever I go. I’ve just gotten used to Northampton, but there are other wonderful places left to explore.
I really hate when that lonely feeling visits me. Remembering all the support and all that is good helps some. And, of course, a good laugh is really good for the soul! Watching a funny movie always lifts my spirits. It’s just finding one that stumps me! Hope you’re feeling better today!
Michele recently posted..Is it Worth it
Thanks, Michele. I had a dream last night about living back in Los Angeles (where I grew up). It felt great.
Hi Molly –
Your words reflect something I have felt now and again of late. I am in the process of job searching as my work here is coming to an end. I swing from moments of pure excitement to times when I would absolutely love someone to share the excitement and/or anxiety with… to that pure sense of insecurity that comes with the knowledge that for my daughter and me… my income is a requirement… and “what if” as there is not another member of my family to support us while I look etc.
My family is great and I can always “go home” but it is that sense of a partner with whom I can share this experience and its ups and downs. I end up sharing some of it with an 11 year old who is old enough to be excited with me and too young to share the insecurities. And yet, were I involved with someone, would he be a partner in the way that I long to have at this moment?
Wow, TE. It sounds like we are in very parallel positions. As I try to look away from the anxiety and insecurity that I feel, I use my kids’ excitement over the possibility of moving as an excuse to get excited too. That way we magnify each other’s enthusiasm. So much good can come of change, yet sometimes we forget that. Good luck and keep me posted!