The Power of Anger

Posted: March 14th, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: challenges, tips for a peaceful divorce | Tags: anger, dealing with conflict, ex husband | 28 Comments »

Last night I got angry, really angry. It has been a while since I have felt that ugly emotion well up inside of me. Yes, it was my ex. Only he can really push my buttons like that. The conflict was simple. About a month ago we had had a difficult discussion about something and came to an agreement, and then he turned around and totally ignored our agreement, without telling me.

I know that some of you are probably thinking, It’s about time that those two had a fight. No divorced couple can get along that well. The good news is that it doesn’t happen very often anymore. The bad news is that when we do have a fight, it’s a doozy.

I could have stopped it myself. We had just agreed to get together to talk the next day when the kids were at school, but I just had one question. The answer to the question really sucked, and I lost it when I saw his lack of remorse. My anger flared up really quickly.

Where was my yogic non-reactivity? Maybe I left it on the mat. While I’m not proud of the fact that I got angry and we had a big blow-up in front of the kids, I do have to say that it actually served several purposes.

First of all, it was a poignant reminder to me of what our life was like when we were married. In the last two years or so of our marriage, we had fights like that several times a week. They would not only affect me emotionally, but physically as well, as I felt my blood pressure rise, my head would throb, and I would be exhausted afterward. A friend and I were discussing makeup sex recently, and I said that we never had it because we were too wiped out to do anything more than hold each other after making up. I would wake up the next day with what I called a “fight hangover.” While yesterday’s fight was not as bad as those days, it did give me glimpse into the past, one I am grateful to have left behind.

In addition, our fight also reminded our kids why we can’t be together. They know that we still care for each other and get along well, so I imagine that there are times that they don’t understand why we aren’t still married. I think last night was a good illustration for them.

I was also reminded why getting angry never works with my ex because my temper is quick to ignite but also to extinguish, whereas he is a pro at conflict escalation. He was making all sorts of threats, including telling our daughter that we would never have another family night dinner again. For a moment I was reminded of all the nasty divorce stories that people have told me over the last three years, and I briefly understood the desire to cut all ties with an ex. He made me so mad that I said something mean, true but mean. And I never want to say anything mean. My temporary rage provoked me to imagine a reality without him in it, a reality in which I punished him for his misdeeds by denying him my friendship, love, and even time with the kids. I briefly flirted with the notion of a bitter and resentful divorce.

Fortunately, however, that vision was even more troubling than my ex’s disregard for our agreement and his subsequent tirade. No matter how mad I was at him, no matter how close I was to the edge of declaring war, my desire for peace was even stronger. I heard a voice inside of me telling myself that I knew this was temporary and that we had the power to turn it around at anytime.

Sure enough, we did, as we always do. As we were making up and hugging each other, my ex said that he didn’t know how we lasted thirteen years together. But I know. We loved each other deeply and strongly, and no amount of anger was capable of destroying that. It still isn’t.

My ex and I still tell each other that we love each other. I am sure that some people would find that troubling, as if we have unresolved feelings for each other. Yet our declarations of love serve as an anchor in the storm for us, a safe haven for us to return to even after we have erupted in rage and wished each other ill will. I’ve noticed that after a fight like this, or in other moments of stress, we repeat the declarations even more. Today as I observed that, I realized why. Love is our antidote to anger, a medicine capable of combating the most deadly of venoms. As much as I rue that our kids saw us fight, at least they will learn that powerful lesson.

* * * * *

A fellow blogger who calls herself The Exception wrote a touching post about this piece, looking at the ways in which love is more than just a romantic construct. Check it out.

A Nice Cup of Tea, or How to Avoid Falling into Old Patterns

28 Comments on “The Power of Anger”

1 ayala said at 7:15 am on March 15th, 2011:
Molly, it’s normal to have disagreements and for those to escalate to a bad fight. The important thing was that you worked it out and made peace. That’s why it’s important to respect each others feelings and work through it all.
ayala recently posted..The Seeds
2 The Exception said at 10:39 am on March 15th, 2011:
This inspired my own post today. It saddens me that people think that repressing and choosing aggression is healthier and protects them from getting hurt when it is in giving love that we find greater peace and compassion… and our kids learn that from us. Why do we associate “love” with romantic feelings only?
The Exception recently posted..Living by Example
3 Molly Monet said at 10:44 am on March 15th, 2011:
Thanks for reminding me of that, Ayala. I have the impression that our fights were way worse than anyone else’s.
4 Molly Monet said at 10:46 am on March 15th, 2011:
That’s a great question. I think that my experience would now dictate that love also means learning to resolve our differences in a way that doesn’t destroy each other. I know that John Gottman has a book that predicts the success of a marriage based on the way a couple fights.
5 Lee said at 11:22 am on March 15th, 2011:
What a great article. It is unfortunate that most of us who are divorced do not feel that way and can not feel that way. It is amazing that you can and do. Good for you for maintaining that kind of love for each other for yourselves and for your children.
Lee recently posted..Money- The Root of Many Divorces
6 MomZombie said at 4:11 pm on March 15th, 2011:
This post put tears in my eyes. I asked myself: Have I known that kind of love, the kind that still flickers on even in the volatile winds of break-up and divorce? This story reminds me of a couple I know. They’ve been divorced almost 20 years. They are friends and still have a deep love and concern for each other, even though both are in second marriages. For the longest time I just didn’t get it about those two. I think this post helped me understand.
7 Molly Monet said at 4:50 pm on March 15th, 2011:
Oh, MZ, I am honored that my words touched you. There are so many different kinds of love. Certainly ours is a great one, but also has its passionate drama as well. I’m thinking that maybe the second time around could be a little quieter and more subtle. I’d like to feel a sort of gentle constancy instead of great highs and lows, you know? xo-Molly
8 Molly Monet said at 4:51 pm on March 15th, 2011:
Thanks, Lee. It is my hope to inspire people to remember the love they had for their exes, but maybe not everyone felt a great love in their relationship. That is certainly something to think about.
9 Tara (thedivorceencouragist) said at 5:16 pm on March 15th, 2011:
Fantastic post! Wonderful story!! Admirable attitude!!! Thanks for sharing… this is the perfect example of why some people are better off living apart, how emotions can sometimes get the better of us and the power of an individual to change the course of events. Love it!!!
10 Molly Monet said at 6:04 pm on March 15th, 2011:
Thanks for the encouragement (no pun intended) Tara!
11 RC said at 6:50 pm on March 15th, 2011:
Molly,
Thank you for this post, it is truly inspiring. My ex and I had a very up and down relationship, and we too had awful arguments at least once a week. He’s only been gone about a month and I mostly feel a great sense of loss, but mixed in with that is relief. Relief that we don’t fight like that anymore. You were right, fighting like that is emotionally and physically draining.

RC
12 Belinda said at 7:51 pm on March 15th, 2011:
A wonderful reminder that love never fails to defeat anger or hate if we choose it. And we can. You always show us how.

Great post.
13 Hilary said at 4:46 am on March 16th, 2011:
Hi Molly .. brilliant post – I came via TE’s blog … and a great article she wrote too. Love just is love isn’t it .. we need it for everyone .. and we’re all fallible .. being prepared for your ex’s change of mind, I guess is the way to go .. ready for a possible change – that’ll take the sting out of his tail, when you don’t react as much …

Challenging .. but I’m grateful for the reminder that anger doesn’t do anyone any favours regardless of the situation …

Have a good rest of the week .. Hilary
Hilary recently posted..How a play came to be written Samuel Pepys- Robert Hooke
14 Molly Monet said at 9:56 am on March 16th, 2011:
Hilary, Great to connect with you. I prefer non-reactivity but I did learn that sometimes anger carries with it some powerful lessons if we choose to heed them.
15 Molly Monet said at 9:57 am on March 16th, 2011:
Thanks, Belinda. I guess that might be my mantra to divorcees. It’s easy and understandable to get angry and resentful, but remember that love does conquer all if you let it.
16 Molly Monet said at 9:59 am on March 16th, 2011:
RC- that was the biggest surprise for me of my divorce. I had no idea how much tension I was living with and tolerating. I had gotten so used to it. After he left, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest and my heart, and I was able to experience so much more joy and happiness again. You’ll get to that place too, especially if you focus on the benefits of life without him. Good luck!
17 T said at 1:45 pm on March 16th, 2011:
“Only he can really push my buttons like that.”

Yep, I notice the same thing with my ex. And it’s over the smallest things!

I also loved the “fight hangover” analogy. I can relate to that as well.

I think it’s perfectly normal to be upset at yourself for being upset. I love that you turned it around, as you always do! And yes, my ex and I have also told others that we still love each other. We just can’t be married. Period.

Good for you for getting it out! :)
T recently posted..Feeling Helpless- Day 3
18 Molly Monet said at 2:04 pm on March 16th, 2011:
Thanks, T. It was a cathartic piece to write. You know about that. I’m glad to hear that you share love for your ex as well. That love is certainly beneficial both to our kids and ourselves.
19 Laura Furey said at 6:04 pm on March 16th, 2011:
One of our classmates (I can’t recall who) wrote in a 7th-grade poetry assignment, “Anger is like acid, devouring it’s container from the inside.” Her wise words stuck with me all these years. I am glad you found your antidote.
20 Molly Monet said at 8:15 pm on March 16th, 2011:
I’m going to use that line in my next Huff Po piece. I love it.
21 ChopperPapa said at 9:44 am on March 18th, 2011:
I must say that I have struggled with this in my life, I honestly think that its a reflection of our society. The idea of ‘loving our neighbor’ seems strange with our view of love = sex/intimacy.

I personally am beginning to view love as a choice, it is a conscious decision that we make to respect, honor and appreciate others. If viewed through that prism we love far more people that we realize. We just don’t call it that.

I also feel that this view of love=intimacy has helped to create a 60% divorce rate. When we begin to lose that warm and fuzzy feeling for our spouse or significant other we automatically assume that we have fallen ‘out of love’ with them.

I admire you for how you can maintain such a close relationship with your ex, I personally have no desire to do that. As you read ours is a business relationship.
ChopperPapa recently posted..Dreaming in black and white
22 Molly Monet said at 9:53 am on March 18th, 2011:
Thanks for participating in the discussion, CP. Love is a choice. If you don’t still feel love for your ex, then a healthy business relationship is perfect. If someone can still feel that love, I encourage them to focus on that emotion rather than the flip side, which is hate. Good to hear your point of view.
23 Zelda Jane said at 11:26 am on March 22nd, 2011:
It is nice you guys still get along but the fighting sounds so harmful. It is okay to disagree with people we love. It is good to air our grievances, to get things out before they fester, to work it out and finally reach a compromise or an agreement to disagree. But it is the content and tone of the fight that is dangerous. My daughter got in trouble at school and yelled at her teacher. She called her an ugly name and was disrepectful. I was called in by the teacher and told my daughter to apologize to her. When she did the teacher said, “It is okay to be mad but it doesn’t make it all better to say you are sorry when you say such mean things to someone. ” I have to agree with her. I was raised Baptist in the South and once of the things I disliked about the religion was the permission to sin over and over again but you are absolved just by asking forgiveness. Too much forgiveness fosters abuse of the system. We must be held accoutable for our behavior. Your Ex sounds like he has a lot of work to do on this. His anger issues are an excuse for him to slip in continued abuse. In my opinion, you should demand he be accountable for this and hold yourself accoutable as well. We are adults and no matter how angry we are there is no excuse to be abusive to each other, to treat the parent of your children with disrespect. Saying you’re sorry does not erase the offense or the true feelings behind those words. No matter how remorseful you or he is after the fight, the words thrown at each other like grenades still stand. You said them, you meant them, no apology will make them untrue. There are no do-overs. Take care of yourself, wear your emotional armour and refuse to play the game.
Zelda Jane recently posted..The Envelope of Freedom
24 Molly Monet said at 11:39 am on March 22nd, 2011:
Thanks for joining the discussion, Zelda Jane. You do offer quite a different viewpoint on the issue of anger. I personally don’t believe in wearing emotional armour and I do believe in do-overs. That is what has enabled me to have a mostly peaceful and loving relationship with my ex. There have been times when I have had to ask him to leave the house because his anger has gotten abusive but that is certainly not the norm.
If I were to shield myself from him, then I would probably shut out all the love and good times that we do share. I have an open heart, and it has brought me occasional pain, but more often than not, it has brought me great joy.
Thanks, again, for your comment.
25 fiveloaf said at 12:03 pm on March 22nd, 2011:
i find this a strange contradiction and both of you seem to revolve around the world by not rotating around its natural axis.. i am very amazed by this separated attachment you are expounding but i really really respect your viewpoint- i mean both of yours..
26 Molly Monet said at 3:56 pm on March 22nd, 2011:
Thanks, fiveloaf. It’s not as strange as you might think. I know other divorced couples like this. I guess I feel that the bond of love shouldn’t break just because the marital bond has been severed.
27 Momma in MA said at 8:38 am on March 30th, 2011:
I am a new reader and appreciate your honesty. I am in the process of a divorce and strive for an amicable relationship. The anger is what underminds it so far, though, the guilt/pain/resentment that simmers beneath the surface. I think it is only through honest exchanges, the positive and the negative, that we have any hope of achieving our goal. We still love each other and to mask or deny that seems futile and destructive. For the sake of our children, if not ourselves, I think it’s best to embrace the positive, own the confusion and express the honesty. If that can come with a chaser of compassion then we have hope.
28 Molly Monet said at 10:02 am on March 30th, 2011:
Welcome, Momma. It sounds like you are on the right path to a peaceful divorce yourself. I’m going to continue to write about anger because I see that it is one of the major stumbling blocks for us all in moving forward to a post-divorce life that benefits all involved. Good luck!