How Can We Help the Sons of Divorce?
Posted: January 26th, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: parenting, tips for a peaceful divorce | Tags: co-parenting, parental competition, parenting after divorce, tobey | 14 Comments »
My thriving son of divorce
The most recent divorce gloom and doom comes from Tara Parker-Pope’s Well blog from the New York Times where she reported yesterday a study that sons of divorce are three times more likely to consider suicide than males whose parents weren’t divorced. As confident as I am about my parenting skills, news like that always makes me cringe a bit. First, because I hate to think of that being true. Second, because so much of the news on divorce is so grim. I guess that’s why I write my blog, now isn’t it?
Of course I feel compelled to find a positive spin on this report or come up with a possible solution. When these kinds of alarming statistics come our way, it is a good opportunity for us to be more mindful about how we are raising our children. Perhaps we need to pay special attention to how our boys are responding to their parents’ divorces. Instead of lamenting how divorce is destroying future generations, let’s come up with some ideas to help kids cope with their (and our) setbacks.
Here are a few of my suggestions.
1) It is important for boys to have a constant relationship with their fathers. I am a big advocate for both parents having as much contact with their kids as possible. This is why my ex and I both see the kids almost every day. Our custody arrangement is unique that way because our kids spend four nights a week with me and three nights a week with him. Luckily we live 5 minutes away from each other and can come and go with ease. I have noticed that my son is particularly attached to my ex and sometimes calls him and asks him to come over to tuck him in at night. My ex usually says yes.
2) It is also great to cultivate a strong relationship between your son and other men in your life. When we spend time in California, Jonah definitely gravitates more to my dad and really enjoys spending time with him. He is also close with his best friend’s single dad with whom he has sleepovers once or twice a month. It’s a total boyfest, and they do activities I would never dream of. Lastly, he also takes a weekly karate class with my friend Tobey, and they have developed a wonderful mentor-student relationship. Tobey is a great role model for him and Jonah adores him. These relationships give him a wide range of ideas about masculinity and help him build a strong sense of identity.
3) Always speak well of his father and other men in general. One of the best pieces of advice that I got when I split from my husband was to always make the kids feel like they have the best father ever. Certainly a child feels stronger about himself when he thinks that he has people he can count on. He naturally wants to feel proud of his parents. When we mothers are frustrated with our ex-husbands (or other men we are dating), it is important for us to avoid male bashing. I sometimes fall into the trap of openly disparaging certain unpleasant characteristics that are associated with the male gender, but then I remind myself that I have a future man listening to what I say. I want my son to feel good about his masculinity and know that I admire the men in my life.
4) Encourage your son to talk about his feelings. My son has always been very intuitive and empathetic, traits that aren’t usually typical of young boys. I certainly can’t take credit for that because he seems to have a natural sense of how people feel, but I do know that I have always encouraged and fomented it. My ex is by nature temperamental and moody, and Jonah and I often talk about how he handles his moods. He understands that he is never to blame for someone else’s state of mind and has developed strategies to remain calm and happy regardless of the circumstances of the people around him. Recently, I made the mistake of letting my kids watch the movie Coraline one Friday night before we went to bed. My six-year-old daughter was both mesmerized and really scared by it and told us that she couldn’t fall asleep. Jonah immediately jumped in and told her to think about things that made her happy. He reminded her of three or four occasions during the holidays that had made her laugh. Sure enough, soon she was giggling and happy again. I, personally, was flabbergasted and extremely impressed at his ability to 1) notice moments that brought Layla joy, 2) remember them, and 3) bring them up as a means of helping her dispel her feelings of fear.
Clearly I am biased, but I have to say that my son is a boy who is happy, confident, and has excellent interpersonal skills. He is certainly not going to be some depressing statistic that proves that divorce is damaging to children. I truly believe that with a little creativity and dedication on our parts, all our sons of divorce can have equally positive futures ahead of them, and that researchers will soon have to do new studies to report our successes.
Related posts:
- Being a Family After Divorce
- The Victimless Divorce
- Field Notes on a Child of Divorce: My Son Gets It
- An Advocate for Divorce?
- Congratulations Al and Tipper. Divorce is not a failure.
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This is such an important piece of writing you have done! I frankly, do not agree with the studies. I believe that your children are who you raise them to be, and if you give them a strong loving home, even if one parent is absent, then you will have a strong loving man in the end. Bravo to you and your ex for making it so easy on your son!!
Lee recently posted..Uncover Financial Secrets in a Divorce by Suzanne Cramer
Your suggestions are good advice in general. I am not impressed by this NYTimes article, and a link to the original source was not provided. I glanced at the comments, which included some cogent criticisms. The NYTimes Well articles are often of dubious quality in my opinion. I have a new post on dating and marriage on my blog that might be of interest to readers.
paul recently posted..Dating and Marriage
Thanks, Lee! You bring up a good point. It really just takes one loving parent. Luckily my son has two.
Studies are so limited and always seem to be focused on the damages. But maybe they can be a wake up call for some parents to reach out more to their kids.
I put # 4 higher on the list! But yes, all very important & I have no worries for your boy. Happy. Held. Loved. Loving.
Sarah Buttenwieser recently posted..Friends in Foul Weather
Well, Sarah, the numbering doesn’t necessarily indicate a preference among the options. I know Jonah is doing great but I hope to spread the message to other parents. Parents I know felt disheartened by the study.
I, too, heard this study presented on “Today” yesterday. And I thought all kids, girls and boys, could benefit from the kind of advice you offer (and their psychologists offered). Too many divorces are advesarial and put the children in the middle, right smack in the middle. I had to remind my ex when he got crappy and aired our dirty divorce laundry in front of the girls, to never, ever bring this stuff up in front of them. The girls grew up knowing I loved their dad and I wouldn’t change a thing about being married to him.
You are a wise woman, Molly Monet. Having children involved makes one rethink how to handle a divorce but even without them, handling it amicably would be nice / should be the rule of the day.
William Belle recently posted..Writing- James Patterson
Thanks so much William. I feel like I’m on a bit of a mission lately to get people to rethink their approach to divorce and post-divorce life. I’m working on a post now entitled “How Can We Move Divorce from Kramer versus Kramer to Kramer and Kramer.”
What a great post. I think you may be a pioneer and you have so much wisdom to share with others. If all parents followed your path there would the world would be a better place.
ayala recently posted..Refresh Mind And Soul
Thanks Ayala. I am hoping to spread the word to other parents. Divorce can be handled so much better than it is.
There is another positive synergy at work, Molly, when you take the approach you suggest. Men who do not have their own children, or whose children are no longer young, often still enjoy the role of mentor and role model. Although we are not playing the role of the traditional father, many of us still want to be part of the village that is raising the children. Your approach makes that much more likely to happen.
Oh, baby, I’m glad it’s good for you too! Thanks for being such a great guy.
I am trying so very hard to adhere to these..despite the repeated negative attempts by my ex to completely bash me and to control both our children’s and my life (telling all of us that HE can control what we do when he’s not with us because the kids won’t talk to him at night on the phone). I do encourage them to talk, but they seem to go through a stage that they want to keep their two lives (at his house and at my house) separate. Daddy’s new wife to be doesn’t help the situation.
And yes, I realize that I have my own issues to deal with in regard to how our divorce came about, but your article made me realize that I still need to stay positive about him all of the time (even subconsciously) as the kids will pick up on it. Difficult to do in the face of a man who cannot talk to me without insulting me or yelling at me…but I really do try.