How to Teach an Old Dog New Tricks…Divorce Him.
Posted: January 9th, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: humorous moments, tips for a peaceful divorce | Tags: dealing with conflict, ex husband, humorous moments | 12 Comments »
Does your partner ever do something that just drives you nuts? Maybe it’s the way he pronounces a certain word or eats his food or forgets to put the cap back on the toothpaste tube. I know, it’s petty and silly, but it can be crazy making.
Well, I had a particular pet peeve and tried as hard as I might, I never got my ex to change this habit (surprise, surprise). After we had kids and I took some time off from teaching, we went from sharing the cooking and cleaning duties to me being the full-time cook and him being the cleaner. It made sense because that played to our strong suits, and I was also now doing the food shopping. Exhausted by my young kids, I went to bed pretty early on most evenings, while my ex was a night owl. As he stayed up late and watched movies or whatnot, he had the tendency to snack a lot. This was not one of my favorite habits, but I admitted that it was just a control issue for me. Except for one big sticking point. If he finished a food item, I wanted him to put that item on the shopping list.
I get in moods to cooks certain dishes and so I keep a lot of different foods on hand, just in case. As a result, I would make plans to make a dish only to find out that a key ingredient was missing because…that’s right, he had finished it and not put it on the list. I know. I know. This should have been no big deal. Or he should have offered to run to the market to pick it up. But he didn’t. He refused, and this would drive me crazy. I felt like he was being selfish. And yes, I wanted to control the kitchen pantry. In my defense, he benefited greatly from my creative cooking impulses. I made us wonderful dinners every night.
I’m such a shrew. I know it, but this is one of the things I most love about living alone. No one eats my cooking ingredients…or do they? Since my ex and I have such an amicable relationship, he does his laundry here, usually about three times a week (he also does hot yoga, which creates a lot of sweaty clothes to be washed). This is cool with me. It gives us a chance to catch up, and he will often stay for dinner a couple of nights a week, which the kids love. Sometimes, he snacks while he’s here.
I’ve finally gotten to the point where I don’t care about this. He rarely finishes something completely, and I just don’t hang onto it the way I used to. However, I was shocked, amazed really, when I got back from California and saw something on my shopping list. Candied ginger. My heart leapt. How could a woman be so excited about candied ginger? He had finished it and put it on the list!!! Once again, I will admit how ridiculous this is, but it truly elated me. And all it took was eight years and a divorce. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because I stopped nagging him about it.
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Yes, I soooooooooooooooooo agree with this. I’ve let go of a lot that my ex has stepped up with. I think it was a control thing.
There are still some things that drive me crazy but that’s why he’s my ex. :)
T recently posted..Random thoughts from the weekend
Isn’t it interesting how we get polarized about things and then they fossilize into full blown conflicts? Is there nothing that your current guy does that drives you crazy? Soon or later, something usually arises, no?
Great example how nagging won’t get the results we are hoping for! Will a great story cure me 100%? Probably not. Old habits just don’t completely die!
Love the picture!
Michele recently posted..Happy New Year
I love this post, Molly. And I happen to think it may be because you stopped nagging him, and also because without you nagging him he remembered how much he loved/respected you.
Shawna recently posted..Why
it’s always good to hold the long view!
Sarah Buttenwieser recently posted..Pretty in Pink is So 1986 2011 is the Year for Handsome in Pink
How much does my partner annoy me? On the other hand, how much do I annoy my partner? However, isn’t the issue about what’s truly important? Yes, we can talk and try to come to an agreement but there will always be something, some little thing which bugs us and the same goes for the little thing or things I keep doing to my partner. At the end of day though, there has to be a view of the bigger picture. Doesn’t there? Instead of “irreconcilable differences”, am I going to see “candied ginger”?
William Belle recently posted..Writing- Less is more- the drabble
Well, it’s not like the candied ginger broke us up. I would have stayed with him despite it ;). However, you do bring up a very good point. We annoy our partners too, and we have to remember that when we get self-righteous or feel like we’ve been done wrong.
Shawna-
It’s good to hear from you. I tried to go to your blog through your Twitter account and noticed that it’s a defunct url. Isn’t it a bit sad that the little things can obscure our view of love? That’s deep…I’ll have to ponder that one a while.
xo-Molly
Thanks, Michele. I loved the picture too because it reminded me of the absurdity of the whole issue. I read recently that it takes 21 days to break a habit. Just something to think about…
The long view? The higher ground? So important to remember that when you are in the trenches!
[...] years of my marriage. I over-reacted to my ex’s bad moods and let some of his habits really get under my skin. I realized that I blamed him for my own unhappiness and that wasn’t fair. I set about the [...]