Lessons Learned from My Divorce
Posted: June 18th, 2011 | Author: Molly Monet | Filed under: tips for a peaceful divorce | Tags: divorce lessons, ex husband, family, friends, happiness | 12 Comments »
Photo by Lisa Echevarria
Recently I read a really satisfying article on divorce yesterday in the New York Times’ Modern Love column cheekily titled “Let’s Get a Little Divorced.” The author, Rachel Zucker, a woman who has been married for over thirteen years, wrote about the ways in which her parents’ and her friends’ divorces have shaped her vision of her own marriage. As she watched many of her friends blossom and find real happiness after their divorces, she asked herself whether there were some positive lessons from divorce that she and her husband could incorporate into their own marriage. I loved the article because not only did she point out some real benefits from divorce but she also bucked the notion that divorce is contagious and instead decided to be inspired by others’ divorces to make her own marriage better.
In discussing this article with one of my divorced friends, I learned that he really couldn’t articulate the benefits of his own divorce. I asked him to make a list of the ways in which his life was better, and he was a bit stumped. So, in part to help him find his own list, I am making one of my own, a sort of gratitude list of the positive lessons that I have learned through my own breakup.
- I am now more appreciative of my ex husband. When we were living together, things had gotten really tense. We were certainly no longer enjoying each other’s company and were often engaged in vocal disagreements. Now, with the distance, I am able to appreciate the ways in which he is a great father to our kids and a loving friend to me. I am so happy to be able to enjoy spending time with him again and for us to have peaceful interactions.
- I am more appreciative of others in my life. As I have learned to focus more on the aspects that I appreciate about my ex and let our disagreements fall to the wayside, I find that I am able to do the same with family and friends, thereby enhancing all of my personal relationships.
- I have a fuller social life. As I no longer have a built-in social life (ie never-ending dates at home with my hubby), I have made more effort to reach out to others. This has reminded me what a truly social person I am and how much I enjoy getting to know new people and having a large circle of friends.
- I have a better relationship with my kids. Now that our home life is free of tension, I have a lot more energy to dedicate to my kids. The three of us have developed such sweet rituals, as they have with their dad, and I think that the alone time with them has been so beneficial for all of us. It has also allowed us to develop our own parenting methods, free of the other’s criticisms and commentary.
- My life has more balance. Now that I have had some time to reflect, I realize that there are four key components to having a happy life: time for family, time for the couple, time for friends, and time for yourself. When I was married, I really only fulfilled the first of those components, and as a result, I found myself wanting more stimulation. Now that I am divorced, I have my Monday nights alone, my nights with the kids, my Thursday night social group, and my Friday family dinners. When I am dating someone, that changes a little bit, but I do have to say that in future relationships, I will make sure to take care of all of those needs.
- I am happier because I realize that I alone am responsible for my happiness. Breaking up with my husband made me realize how much I was blaming him for my own lack of contentment. Once I shifted that burden back onto my own shoulders, I felt so much better. However, I have also learned that I am better off with a partner who doesn’t see melancholy as a superior life perspective. In other words, I am now looking for a man who also takes responsibility for his own happiness and is actively working towards that goal.
I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that my life has improved because I took my divorce as an opportunity to reevaluate my life and to do things differently, or maybe just see things differently. I believe that every crisis in life has the potential to be a wonderful learning experience. We just have to find that silver lining.
As always, I’d love to have you share with me about what lessons you have learned from your own divorces. Or maybe, like the majority of my friends who read my blog, you are married, quite happily so. Perhaps you have learned something from my mistakes or successes and like Rachel Zucker have found a way to incorporate them into your marriages. Do share.
Related posts:
- Lessons That I Have Learned from Friends and Family
- Eat, Pray, Love: Lessons for the Average Divorcee
- 127 Hours: Lessons from Adversity
- On the Eve of Your Divorce
- An Advocate for Divorce?
Your Mom and I pursued the “open marriage” concept for a short time in the 1970s. It allowed us to get a “little bit divorced” and as a result, it definitely enabled us to re-evaluate, improve and recommit to our marriage for life. Love, Dad
I like to think a friendly divorce can also serve as a friendly reminder that a friendly marriage trumps a hostile or unfriendly one!
Sarah Buttenwieser recently posted..On Princess Boys & Scrappy Girls
I’d go so far as to say that a friendly divorce trumps an unfriendly marriage, which is what we had at the end. We’re in a much better place now.
Thanks for this and many other posts. Your thoughts/posts resonate a bit of truth and reason that is necessary for a harmonious divorce relationship, which is really the best for the kids. So… I took the first step and invited my ex to have Christmas dinner with the kids and me, to the sheer delight of the children. Letting the kids know that they wouldn’t have to only see ONE of their parents on Christmas and that we could come together for THEM was an amazing feeling. Thank you for helping me see that I could do this too.
Oh Laura, you have no idea how much this warms my heart! I am so glad that I could help inspire you to do this. Remember that it might seem awkward at first but will have great benefits in the end. You are also forging great memories for your children. What a gift to both them and yourself!
I am SO glad that you experienced your divorce (over time) in such a positive light and that you are sharing this with others. As a divorce lawyer I see so much negativity and it is just wonderful that you and your ex have come through to the other side in a positive way. As an “adult child of divorce” (TOTALLY hate that expression, but it applies) I am so thankful that my parents were able to find a place of respect for one another. You should be very proud of yourself (and of your ex) for giving this wonderful gift to your children (and to yourselves). Okay, there’s my corny comment, but I just wanted to give you a pat on the back for all of your hard work.
:)
Gabrielle
As a (mostly happily) married person for more than 13 years now, I love this post. As my husband and I watch people around us divorce and move in different directions with their lives we are reminded of why it was that we choose to travel this journey together, it has made our marriage stronger. Also, we have some friends who live in hostile marriages and it pains us to think of living in a household filled with that kind of tension, we often wish that they would just “get divorced already”. So thank you for your words and your position in life being an inspiration to all of us that seeking our own balance and happiness is best for everyone.
Shawna recently posted..Warm Hearted
Your comment isn’t corny at all. It is very heartfelt. I love to hear reader appreciation and your own experience with divorce!
I do believe that divorce provides an opportunity for most of us to grow but you have to be willing to do the work. It’s been three years since my divorce and I’m stilling learning. My biggest lesson has been about honoring my feelings and being comfortable to speak up about my needs, even if it creates disagreement. Another lesson I’ve learned is asking for help and doing that means opening yourself up and being little vulnerable.
Like you, I’m a happier person now and I think that’s in large part because I’m being true to me.
Mandy recently posted..Trading a man for a cat
[...] this post from Molly at Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce about the lessons learned from divorce caught me eye. Yes, there is always learning to be done from a divorce … you just have to be [...]
First, let me just say I’m a tad addicted to sunflowers…they just scream happiness, don’t you think?! More importantly, as I’ve told you before, I strongly believe that the principles that you bring up for discussion are applicable to any relationship in which we choose to make a lasting investment. And, the way that you communicate about healing and growth is so motivating! I’m always moved to examine some aspect of myself ~ and, as we move through the ups and downs, learning to LEARN from them is such a great victory!!
I love this post–and the very title of your blog. It is so positive and loving. What I, as a mediator and as someone now blogging on mediation (come by for a visit to the series, starting at http://candidaabrahamson.wordpress.com/2012/02/15/mediation-good-for-me-good-for-you-and-above-all-good-for-the-kids/) would love to know is: DID you mediate? And if so, did that make the difference? And if not, how did you keep your positive attitude??