How to Put the Happy in Divorced Holidays

I know I'm a show off but once again this is my achiote-rubbed turkey.

Today I posted an article about how to co-parent during the holiday season on my blog’s fan page (Did you know I have a fan page? Come “like” me).  Now this is a stressful time of year for many folks, but being divorced right about now does have its special challenges.  I am lucky because my divorced family is planning on doing Thanksgiving together.  However, I became acutely aware of how divorce affects other families by talking to my friends.  You see, I wanted to invite them all over to join us because my motto is the more the merrier, and my kids agree.

However, this year, it seems that my friends who don’t have prior family commitments have a different problem.  They don’t have their kids on this particular holiday.  Now that can really sting.  I’m sure that single people often feel that way, lonely at the holiday season.  Yet having kids and not being able to spend a holiday with them is often an especially acute pain because it can reactivate the loss that one felt during their divorce. It can remind you so poignantly of what you no longer have, namely a family unit that you know will share holiday traditions each year.  Human beings crave that kind of stability and security, even if it isn’t particularly enjoyable (let’s face it, a lot of people hate spending time with their families at holiday celebrations, but they do it anyway).

Being the optimistic, proactive thinker that I am, I decided to come up with my list of recommendations for how to enjoy your holidays as a divorced person.

First of all (and you know I am going to say this), reach out to your co-parent and try to make some kind of attempt to be together as a family. Some of you will think that this is impossible and I get it, but if you decide to try this, you may be pleasantly surprised.  I had a friend who was moping over not being with her kids on Halloween and I suggested that she call up her ex and extend an olive branch and ask nicely to be able to be included, however briefly, in the ex’s planned festivities.  She did it and it worked.  She was able to make an appearance and take some pictures and have a cup of cider with her ex.  It was a brief détente, but a moment of peace nonetheless.  Those little moments of peace can be strung together bit by bit to create a more lasting sense of family.

Second, be flexible with your co-parent and there will be a precedent of goodwill. When we are deprived of our kids and our established family traditions, we can get a little cranky.  Another friend of mine was mad because her ex wasn’t including her in his big Thanksgiving dinner with the kids and his friends, but then he wanted to do a Christmas morning celebration the four of them, even though she had custody then.  I told her to do it.  Be the first to give in.  Show your ex that you can be understanding.  It may not work miracles, but it does set the groundwork for goodwill, a quality that is often in short supply when it comes to divorce.  A guest blogger on my site once wrote that the guiding principle in her divorce was to make sure that she would be proud of her current actions in the future.  So even if your ex doesn’t treat you as well as you would like, it feels good to do what you know is the right thing for your kids.  Her daughters will be very happy if both of their parents are with them on Christmas morning to see them open up their gifts.

Third, create new family traditions at the holidays. My family is always trying new ideas for the holidays because, well, they can get a little stale, just like the fruitcake that your aunt sends you every year that you never eat.  Last Thanksgiving my family ended up on a Wild Animal Safari trip in Sonoma County, California, of all places.  They took a jeep ride to enjoy a wild animal preserve and then ate at long plank tables with people they had never met before.  They had a blast.  A couple of years back, we decided to do a recycled Christmas theme in which we bought each other second-hand gifts or gave something from our own closets that we didn’t wear anymore.  My sister gave me great pair of brown cords and I gave her a necklace that had a small map of the Santa Monica Bay where we grew up.  We both really enjoyed those gifts more than the new store bought ones.  So maybe the holidays don’t have to be celebrated like you did when you were married, or even on their exact day.  With a little creativity, you can create all sorts of holiday alternatives that still allow you to share the celebratory spirit with your kids.

Fourth, reach out to others and form a sense of community. This is really important.  I have written on many occasions about the alternate family bonds that I feel my kids now have since our divorce.  Not only do they have my ex’s girlfriend whom they adore, but they have my platonic boyfriend Tobey, my other co-parent Jon and their god parents, just to a name a few.  Those people feel like family to them and they enjoy spending holidays with them just as much as the blood relatives.  This Thanksgiving I invited my Thursday night group to join me, but they all seem to have other obligations.  In fact, I even flirted with the idea of rescheduling my big turkey dinner to another night so that I could include more friends.  It might be kind of fun to do like a Jewish Christmas and eat Chinese food, or Indian even.

However, I have invited a divorcee friend who is without her kids, and she is thrilled at the invitation.  Another kidless friend and I are now brainstorming about how we can combine our little groups together and have one big celebration.  No matter what the plans end up being, I know that we will find a way to have fun.  And of course, we will eat great food because I always have control over that.

I’ll keep you posted on how things go for us.  In the meantime, I’d love to know what your holiday celebrations are and how you plan to cope with your new family constellations.  Don’t forget that the holidays are just a few individual days throughout the year.  The true measure of family is how you bond with them all the days in between.

Related posts:

1. This is What a Divorced Family Looks Like
2. A Divorced Family Tradition
3. A Happy Marriage is an Inside Job
4. Happy Election Night
5. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?